My son spent everything in three days!

anxious_mum

Hi

I am looking for some advice on how to help my eldest son manage his bank account. A bit of history - I have been divorced from their father since our two sons were very small, they are now 17 and 15. Their father has always paid maintenance money directly into my account (£700 per month for them both) and I have used this money towards their upkeep, of course. In August, my ex lost his job and the regular payments stopped.

At first, I panicked drastically, because I relied on that money, but then I had a LBM and to cut a long story short, I am now financially independent and don't need anything from him.

Anyway, a few months ago, my ex paid £200 into each of the boys' bank accounts (without letting me know). When I found out and spoke to him about it, the idea is, he wants them to be responsible for their own upkeep, to buy their own clothes etc, and to pay me board from what he sends them. The amount will go back up to £350 per boy when he gets another job, but at the moment, he can only afford £200. Sounds good on paper, right?

What actually happened was, my eldest saw the money in his account and thought christmas had come early! Without telling me he had received this money, he blew the lot within about 4 days :eek: And he had nothing to show for it.......

I only found out that this money had been paid in because my SIL spotted him withdrawing money from the ATM in the village and told me in conversation. When I asked him if he had any money he said that yes, his dad had given him £200 to spend! I was in Romania at the time (I work away a lot) and I had to wait 4 days before I could sit DS1 down and explain that some of that money should have been paid to me towards his upkeep. This kicked off a huge row, but eventually we decided that he should pay me £25.00 per week, the rest is his for phone credit, transport etc etc. When the next £200 went in, he paid me £100 without any problem.

NOW......DS1 is arguing that because he pays board he should be allowed to do as he likes in the house! If I ask him to come of the PC at midnight he says he is paying towards the electricity! If I ask him to tidy his room, he says he is paying for the room so he can have it how he wants! I am at my wits end with all of this!

When the ex paid the money directly to me I handed out 'pocket money' to DS1 and paid for his transport, clothes etc, and everything was fine. This method is causing me huge problems.

Has anyone got any advice? comments? DS2 doesn't enter into the problem, he has Aspergers and isn't bothered about money. In fact, doing it this way, he will have some really nice savings building up, but DS1 is doing my head in big time!

thorsoak

Sit DS1 down with you - show him ALL the bills - from electricity & water rates, mortgage/rent/council tax, through insurances, car running expenses (that he benefits from) to food and toiletries to cleaning materials. Divide it by the number of people in the household - and show him just how much it costs to keep him!

He is growing up and he should be made aware of these costs - you would do him no favours by shielding him from them - of course he's going to mutter & moan - he's a teenager - but he has to learn about the financial facts of life too.

hngrymummy

Can your ex compromise and pay you the board directly and then the rest for clothes etc into your son's account? That way your son will learn about budgeting for his own clothes (else he ends up with old tatty jeans) and there are no more arguments about board money.

Jinx

I think your ex sounds like a good dad. Could he perhaps have a chat and explain exactly what this money is for? I love how teenagers think a few quid gives them a whole entitlement on lots of things! My brother excelled at this in a similar fashion to your son a few years back.

In my opinion each home should have a 'minimum' required, for example - his room can be a tip but if he wants any washing done then it has to be brought down and done by him personally (or provided when you call you're doing washing); all dishes should be returned to the kitchen, or alternatively no dishes should be taken out! Also if he has to be up for school/work then I would expect the PC to be off at a reasonable time; however Id probably let that ride for a while till hes soooo tired in the morning that he chooses to get off earlier.

When I was a teenager my mum did the whole, its my house so my rules thing which I hate; it was overkill as I paid 30% of my wages as digs every friday night after work and kept the place tidy, I just partied a bit too much for her! lol I would pick your battles anxious_mum... Good Luck

Dave_liverpool

Sounds a bit strange to me, my sister has children and is divorced so I've seen and stood by her trying to sort finances out for a few years now.

Why isn't he paying it straight to you? Even if its a reduced amount its still should go to your account, its for you to distributed as you feel (and as you need to)

It seems to me he is controlling your family situation by having you now to ask your children for 'board', even if now you don't need his full contribution, its yours isn't it.

If you want to give them a joint 'allowance/pocket money' from you and your ex then it should be done secondary but the maintenance/board should be 1st.

DW

anxious_mum

Thank you all for your replies. Thorsoak, I will certainly sit him down and go through all my direct debits, that will be easy, as I am online banking.

Personally Hngrymummy, I think the ex should pay the £100 pm 'board' per child directly to me, and anything extra into their accounts, then I wouldn't have the hassle of A) getting it from DS1, and having to go through the games of who is paying for what.

I can understand why the ex is doing this, the boys are old enough now to start to handle their own finances, but my god! the hassle this has brought down into my house! DS1 even talked about bringing girls home for the night (he hasn't, and he won't) but he said that now he 'pays' for his keep he should be allowed to!

I think that, even though I am not financially dependent on my ex now, he should pay the money to me, and I should then decide where it goes.....

Thanks again for your comments, specially to Jinx..I do pick my battles, trust me! And Dave_Liverpool, I agree, he is trying to control my family situation. I feel like telling DS1 not to bother paying me anything, keep the bloody lot for himself, then he has no hold over me!

BitterAndTwisted

I'm a bit cross with your ex-husband for not discussing it with you first. That was completely daft and very inconsiderate in my opinion. If it's at all possible I think you should make it quite clear what trouble it has caused now that it wasn't explained to your sons properly.

I wouldn't accept any of that carp from your DS1. You're not running a flaming hotel and he's not paying the actual cost of what it is to really keep him. Please make him aware that should he book a hotel-room i the UK for a single person and two use the room if they're caught, the bill doubles. He's a cheeky monkey and I'd most certainly stop doing any of his laundry or cook him any meals if continues to speak to you like that. GRRRR!

Penny-Pincher!!

You need to sit down with DS and establish some ground rules of him living under your roof and quickly! State you won't tolerate his rude behaviour and that he has to pull his weight. I think you need to be very firm or he will walk all over you.

Or, could he not live with his dad?

PP
xx

Jinx

Wow, am gobsmacked your son thinks a few quid allows him to bring (I assume) random girlfriends home!!!

You sound like a very sensible mum and I think the others suggestions are really good. My only other contribution is that perhaps you should get him to do his own food shopping for the week (giving him back his 25 quid) and see if he can survive the week and of course cook it/wash the dishes etc!! My daughter and I used to do a 5quid meal challenge and this has stood her in good stead now shes in halls at Uni. She found it a simple but useful challenge and it has helped her budgeting skills.

Angel_Jenny

I live with my parents (still!) and pay £25 per week, 1/4 of the bills and buy the majority of my food and do the ironing, help with cleaning and share carer duties but I still respect that this is my parents home. If I am going to be out late - I let them know and they know where I am. I wouldn't want them to worry about me when there is no need.

Their house - their rules!

thebaileys

Your ex should have discussed this with you first.

Of course most 17 year olds with £200 in there bank would be over the moon, but most would not know how to budget.

There are lessons to be learnt, once your money is spent there are no trips to cinema, out with friends for food etc...

I was useless with money for a few years, as moved out of home at a young age, and didn't have a clue about budgeting.

I think a word with your son about bills etc, may help.

Give him another month of managing his own money, maybe get him to buy a bus pass, and put so much away a week.

As for the not coming of the PC its your house and he must abide by the rules.

Good Luck