Partner not paying his way

Milkymoomoo

I'm hoping this forum may be able to offer some advice (I hope i am posting in the correct place?) on a tricky home situation im currently dealing with. Basically my boyfriend lost his job about 7 months ago, which was just a few weeks after we decided to move in together. During that time he has had a small amount of income from odd jobs and handouts, he has not at any time given me a penny towards bills and rent, he has however bought food and also put credit onto our electricity meter occasionally, but i feel his contributions are minor compared to the huge monthly household expenses i have to cover. During his time out of work i found that whenever he did have money he needed it either for contributions towards his daughters maintenance (from a previous relationship) or for paying costs associated with his car. Now he has finally found a job. When he got his first pay check i didnt expect him to start paying the rent and bills straight away as he had been without money for so long that i thought it was best that he get back on his feet before i start making financial demands on him. But i told him that when his 2nd pay comes in he would have to start paying his way....but low and behold his car breaks down and needs a whole new engine! On top of that he is saying that he has to pay off his yearly car insurance premium before the end of January. So in essence he is telling me that even though he hasnt paid anything for rent or bills since he moved in 7 months ago (because he didnt have a job), now that he DOES have a job he wont be giving me anything for the foreseeable future because he needs to sort his car out.

I know that i could just say that he has to choose between his home or his car and either pay up or ship out but if i put him in that position and "force" him to give me money for rent he will most likely end up losing the car and he needs the car to get to work. It would not be benificial for either of us to be without the car (although i rarely use it, maybe once a month or so). I feel like im in a catch 22 situation and i lose whatever i do....if i put pressure on about the rent he will lose the car, or if i let him just get on with his "priorities" i will continue to resent him and eventually end up kicking him out because god knows when he will actually hand over some cash and start paying his way.....

What do you guys think?

Make him pay rent and lose his car? Or cut him (some more) slack and "hope" he pays up in the future?

jayII

I think you need to sit down with him, with a copy of the household expenses in front of you both, and ask him--adult to adult--what he plans to do about contributing, i.e. when, and how much, etc.

I wouldn't want to decide for him, as that could set a precident of you taking responsibility for such decisions, and could cause other problems in future. But I would be considering setting a time limit.

Just to put it into perspective, I'm female, but in his position I'd be looking for a second job, rather than leaching off a fairly new partner. It just wouldn't feel right. If he was in shared housing, or his own flat, he would be evicted for putting his car before his housing costs.

You know him best, but it sounds as though he's taking advantage of you. Fine if you're happy to support him, and it's been talked about, not so fine if it hasn't been discussed.

Milkymoomoo

jayII wrote: »

I think you need to sit down with him, with a copy of the household expenses in front of you both, and ask him--adult to adult--what he plans to do about contributing, i.e. when, and how much, etc.

I wouldn't want to decide for him, as that could set a precident of you taking responsibility for such decisions, and could cause other problems in future. But I would be considering setting a time limit.

Just to put it into perspective, I'm female, but in his position I'd be looking for a second job, rather than leaching off a fairly new partner. It just wouldn't feel right. If he was in shared housing, or his own flat, he would be evicted for putting his car before his housing costs.

You know him best, but it sounds as though he's taking advantage of you. Fine if you're happy to support him, and it's been talked about, not so fine if it hasn't been discussed.

Thanks so much for your feedback. I have actually on numerous occasions sat him down and explained how much everything costs and we also agreed on a fair amount that he should contribute......thing is he doesnt know when he will be able to start making those contributions.

You are so right about he would be evicted if his car came before rent and he lived on his own! It seems that the rent burden is on my shoulders only and he is taking advantage because he knows i will never let it go unpaid!

Our relationship is not very new, we have been together for a few years now but since we have been sharing a home i just seem to resent him more and more.....but it seems an awful shame to throw away an otherwise ok relationship because of financial issues.

jayII

Milkymoomoo wrote: »

Thanks so much for your feedback. I have actually on numerous occasions sat him down and explained how much everything costs and we also agreed on a fair amount that he should contribute......thing is he doesnt know when he will be able to start making those contributions.

You are so right about he would be evicted if his car came before rent and he lived on his own! It seems that the rent burden is on my shoulders only and he is taking advantage because he knows i will never let it go unpaid!

Our relationship is not very new, we have been together for a few years now but since we have been sharing a home i just seem to resent him more and more.....but it seems an awful shame to throw away an otherwise ok relationship because of financial issues.

That puts a slightly different slant on it, in that you presumably know him quite well, and can judge if he really is taking advantage, or genuinely struggling.

Maybe have a good long think about what you expect /need him to do as a minimum contribution, and discuss it with him from that perspective.

Good luck, it's not an easy situation.

raddyantic

Agree with JayII, you've been together a while and can probably tell if he's being genuine. It just sounds like a bit of bad luck that the car has broken down. I think that although you have been more than generous and patient already maybe just say that after he's paid to get his car fixed that's it. The following months wages have to be put towards the house - end of.

Also Milkymoo you say: 'Just seem to resent him more and more.....but it seems an awful shame to throw away an otherwise ok relationship because of financial issues' - Finance matters. How you are with your money in a couple reflects your attitude. Quite simply you've moved in together and that means a shared financial commitment now - he has a responsbility and needs to be told that he made the commitment to live together and that he is no longer living on his own. I guess when you move in together it is a bit of a different 'ball game' and you get to know what people are really like.

globetraveller

Is he spending money on going out? New clothes? Is the car a status symbol or just genuinely a means of getting from A to B( ie can he trade it in for a cheaper one?)
If you are beginning to resent him then at least you know before you commit further. Its not "just" financial issues- this is a major part of a relationship. You obviously don't think that he is playing fair or you wouldn't be asking here. Good luck in getting this sorted out

edit to add- to call it an otherwise ok relationship speaks volumes. Think about it.

January20

From my point of view, he is behaving like a teenager living with him mum i.e he pays board but expects that when he has others financial demands he can be let off paying his board and the responsible adult will take care of it all because it's not really his responsibility. Hardly the behaviour of a grown responsible man is it?

It could just be bad luck, but perhaps the best thing to do is keep an eye on the situation and see what happens.

How are you coping with paying all the bills though? Can you manage to do it? If money is tight, are there luxuries that you can get rid off like say Sky sport, beer etc. It would teach him that he can't have everything for free if nothing else if you "had" to get rid of his luxuries. After all life is getting very expensive

wildthing01

the tack i have taken with any kind of relationship unhappiness (not necessarily financial), has always been to set myself a time limit - say 12 months (you'd prob want to do less though in your case!). i will let things go until that point, but if by then things are not at least moving in the right direction, i would cut my losses and bring things to a head one way or the other. it's still quite early days in your live-in relationship and in his new job, so i think you need to give it a bit of time yet and see what sort of partner he's going to turn out to be. people are different when you see what they are like to live with, rather than just dating, so you still probably need to get to know him in that respect. i wouldn't let him take the !!!! for too long though - don't tell him what your time limit is - just have it in your head and keep track of whether you feel he's making any progress towards contributing fairly.

also,you need to balance the financial side against what he's like as a partner. people have different criteria for what they will accept - some people may just be happy that their partner isn't cheating, and wil put up with quite a lot else, while others are more exacting. if he's a really good bloke and contributing in kind (housework? diy? etc), then you may think that the money is less important... you say it's an 'ok' relationship. if it were just the financial side that was annoying you, and everything else was great, you'd be looking at a different course of action to if he's lacking in other areas too...

FATBALLZ

January20 wrote: »

From my point of view, he is behaving like a teenager living with him mum i.e he pays board but expects that when he has others financial demands he can be let off paying his board and the responsible adult will take care of it all because it's not really his responsibility. Hardly the behaviour of a grown responsible man is it?

Agree with this, paying your share in the home comes first. If his car needs fixing he can put it on a credit card.

BAFE

It sounds like a very unequal relationship in which you're the one doing all the giving. What exactly does he contribute to the relationship.

Giant_Space_Lizard

tell him if he doesnt start contributing he can GTFO and spend £400+ a month on rent and bills elsewhere. Dont allow him to take advantage of you, be firm