i am not coping with grandmother

consultant31

PrincessC, I forgot to say anything about Social Services.

I think it depends a lot on where you live, and in the beginning we got no help at all. That changed when I burst into tears on the phone to them one day and told them we were cracking under the strain.

Within a month they had sorted us out with a schedule of "respite care" where FIL went into a local 'home' every month for a week.

It was wonderful: we were able to have a few days away, where previously we hadn't had so much as a day out for over two years. The respite care continued until his death and was, I truly believe, the one thing that stopped us completely falling apart.

If you have to keep your Gran at home, please do try for the regular respite care - it'll make all the difference.

margaretclare

livinginhope wrote:

Hi princess cinderella,sorry you're feeling fed up at the moment,I think a lot of the problem is the generation gap.I know how seemingly manipulative some elderly people can be,BUT I don't think they knowingly do things on purpose,although it can sometimes seem that way.

Sorry to disagree with you, livinginhope, but I am pretty sure that some elderly people DO knowingly do things on purpose just because, as the OP writes, they are not getting the attention they think they are owed. I hasten to add - I have no reason to think that this is happening here, but it is a possibility. I've seen it happen. It's a bit like toddlers really, although less easy to deal with than toddlers.

On the other hand, falling is very very common in people of Gran's age.

Best wishes

Margaret

[Deleted User]

princess cinderella. You have one heck of a caring family. What a shining example in this selfish age when oldies are often neglected or put into a home too early in their lives

I never knew my grandmother and anything I heard about her life was from other relatives. Grab the chance with two hands and find out all you can, while you can. She was your age once and time flies

CFC

Princess C, don't you think you should grow up a bit and stop being so selfish? You've done a degree, you are not 12, needing your mum's attention all the while. Heavens knows, you've done a degree but you can't even punctuate your post correctly. I don't know what the education system is coming to. Ooops, am I starting to talk like your Grandmother?

You certainly sound rather selfish, if you can complain that friends are asking after her as soon as they see you, and then describe their interest as your Grandmother infiltrating into everything, and the fact that you're living at home while doing a Master's but have to do some washing up and clean up dropped food, and get the paper for your Grandmother.

She's 94, and your parents, for whatever reason, do not want her to live in a home, or at least not until she is so ill or disorientated that she needs a nursing home. More kudos to them. You say you are unable to cope with the situation. Real life, I'm afraid, is not how it is depicted on the tv where you live out your desires and wants endlessly, unrestricted by the needs of others. Your Grandmother brought your father into the world, and without him you wouldn't be here. Your poor Grandmother perhaps feels rather unwelcome in your home, after having had the stress of moving in. It's her new home now too, you know, not just yours.

Certainly, old people can be a pain in the rear. On the other hand, so can people of all ages. It's true that older people can be deliberately manipulative to get attention, in the same way that young people and children can be. One deals with in the same way, with consistency of attention and building up routines.

Your Grandmother moans about the day centre. So what? She's reliant on people in a new home who don't seem that welcoming to her, and perhaps when she goes to the day centre she's mixing with the kind of people that she would have crossed the road to avoid when she had her strength and health. Old people get all their choices in life taken away a little at a time. Of course they moan and whinge, because life is so limited for them. When you're young you can put up with more because you see the end in sight, when you're old, the only end in sight is a wooden box. Just grin and bear it and don't try to fix it. Mentally tune the whinging out!

One thing to think on - if you were your Grandmother, do you think you'd be happy and feel you were getting a good deal out of the little life that you've got left? If you think maybe that you'd be unhappy yourself, perhaps focus on positive things that you could do that would make her feel happier. Having said all that, if she really is being a pain or rude, then tell her. Being old excuses some things but not others, and selfish people often get worse with old age for all the above reasons.

As another poster said, you've got living history in that person. Even taping all her reminiscences about times past could be interesting to your own children and grandchildren in future. Look on the positive side. Perhaps you'll find that with consistent, positive and interested behaviour towards her, that she'll become more pleasant to be with.

And remember, you'll be old one day, and reliant on the kindness of others. Cast your bread upon the waters while ye may!

Princess_Cinderella_2

CFC wrote:

Princess C, don't you think you should grow up a bit and stop being so selfish? You've done a degree, you are not 12, needing your mum's attention all the while. Heavens knows, you've done a degree but you can't even punctuate your post correctly. I don't know what the education system is coming to. Ooops, am I starting to talk like your Grandmother?

You certainly sound rather selfish, if you can complain that friends are asking after her as soon as they see you, and then describe their interest as your Grandmother infiltrating into everything, and the fact that you're living at home while doing a Master's but have to do some washing up and clean up dropped food, and get the paper for your Grandmother.

She's 94, and your parents, for whatever reason, do not want her to live in a home, or at least not until she is so ill or disorientated that she needs a nursing home. More kudos to them. You say you are unable to cope with the situation. Real life, I'm afraid, is not how it is depicted on the tv where you live out your desires and wants endlessly, unrestricted by the needs of others. Your Grandmother brought your father into the world, and without him you wouldn't be here. Your poor Grandmother perhaps feels rather unwelcome in your home, after having had the stress of moving in. It's her new home now too, you know, not just yours.

Certainly, old people can be a pain in the rear. On the other hand, so can people of all ages. It's true that older people can be deliberately manipulative to get attention, in the same way that young people and children can be. One deals with in the same way, with consistency of attention and building up routines.

Your Grandmother moans about the day centre. So what? She's reliant on people in a new home who don't seem that welcoming to her, and perhaps when she goes to the day centre she's mixing with the kind of people that she would have crossed the road to avoid when she had her strength and health. Old people get all their choices in life taken away a little at a time. Of course they moan and whinge, because life is so limited for them. When you're young you can put up with more because you see the end in sight, when you're old, the only end in sight is a wooden box. Just grin and bear it and don't try to fix it. Mentally tune the whinging out!

One thing to think on - if you were your Grandmother, do you think you'd be happy and feel you were getting a good deal out of the little life that you've got left? If you think maybe that you'd be unhappy yourself, perhaps focus on positive things that you could do that would make her feel happier. Having said all that, if she really is being a pain or rude, then tell her. Being old excuses some things but not others, and selfish people often get worse with old age for all the above reasons.

As another poster said, you've got living history in that person. Even taping all her reminiscences about times past could be interesting to your own children and grandchildren in future. Look on the positive side. Perhaps you'll find that with consistent, positive and interested behaviour towards her, that she'll become more pleasant to be with.

And remember, you'll be old one day, and reliant on the kindness of others. Cast your bread upon the waters while ye may!

thanks for what u said :mad: just to let u know i have extremely severe dyslexia which if u dont know affects spelling and language and communication skills so it is not my fault the way i spell:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: . yet u made the assumption that it was my education thanks. i am very far from selfish i have looked after my grandmother for the past 2 weeks on my own so my parents could have a break it is not just picking up food :mad: i do a hell of a lot more. i dont want my mums attention all the time i want her 2 have time 2 herself 2 do all the things she used 2 enjoy doing. i am at home because with my grandmother here we/i cant afford 2 move out all my student loan that i saved from my degree is paying for the masters. unless u live with a manipulative old person u can not understand out they inflitarate ur life. i do not think my life should be like it is on tv i have some brains:mad:

we have done everything in our power 2 make her comfortable at our house she has her own room, sky tv a radio and most of her things from her house her friends come and visit and we take her to their houses she sees more of them now than she ever did when she lived on her own. we have also encouraged her 2 meet other people her own age around us and have made numerous suggestions of places that she might like 2 go but she hates old people! so there is not a lot more we can do. we even take her 2 her old house when she asked as we have said we will not sell it untill she is ready so she can go back and have time there whenever she likes.

i personally think she is having a much better quality of life than she has had on her own. she does not have the worry of a house 2 maintain before she moved in with us she had been housebound for about a year she now goes out a few times a week to see people and do things she asks 2 do.

we have tried 2 talk 2 her i am a history postgraduate and have tried 2 involve her in my work but she does not want 2 talk about the past. she will not talk about anything that happen in her childhood or my dads we have all tried i even suggested that i could do my final year dissertation about her experineces of life in a changing city but she would not help at all.

i know i will b old 1 day :mad:

margaretclare

Hi Princess, I sussed out that you had dyslexia, and all credit to you for doing a Master's while coping with this disability. My eldest granddaughter is also dyslexic. It was never picked up throughout her school career, although I spotted it when she was about 9, but those who were paid to teach her at school did NOT manage to spot it until late, and even her Mum writes it off as 'an excuse for laziness', which it certainly isn't.

Best wishes

Margaret (also a grandmother although 20 yrs younger than yours)

glenstan

have your parents considered the direct payments route for your grandmother , as you said she dose not enjoy going to the day center, your grandmother would need an assessment of her needs from social sevices, she could then get the time assessed in a direct payment allowing her to employ someone to take her places and to help her in her daily living / tasks you will find more info here https://www.direct.gov.uk/disabledpeople/fianacialsupportl] i got my mil out of a home and back to her own home with the help of direct payments.

cupid_s

CFC wrote:

Princess C, don't you think you should grow up a bit and stop being so selfish? You've done a degree, you are not 12, needing your mum's attention all the while. Heavens knows, you've done a degree but you can't even punctuate your post correctly. I don't know what the education system is coming to. Ooops, am I starting to talk like your Grandmother?

You certainly sound rather selfish, if you can complain that friends are asking after her as soon as they see you, and then describe their interest as your Grandmother infiltrating into everything, and the fact that you're living at home while doing a Master's but have to do some washing up and clean up dropped food, and get the paper for your Grandmother.

Sorry to edit your post so much. I don't think the OP is being selfish. She can see her parents arguing more and her sister hardly ever spends time there. Her family is suffering and I can understand it must be really worrying. Whilst she shouldn't begrudge doing odd tasks for her grandma, if hers is anything like mine is, the OP is being asked (or possibly told) to do this, that and the other so often that she has little time left to study.

I didn't get the impression is was lack of attention that was the real problem, my mum has various health problems and I know (and she has told me) that if my gran had to go and live with my parents it would kill my mum! So I can see why the OP is worried about her parents health and whilst it's lovely to think of all old people being cared for in their family's home if it's jeopardising a happy home lfie I don't think it's worth it.

Speak to your parents as surely they see the effect having her at home is having on everyone and might reconsider the position.

We will all be old one day I know, but I think the OPs parents should be putting their children and future before a 94 year old woman, mother or not (I am sorry I know this sounds harsh - maybe it's cos I have an awkward grandma and see the effect this has on my family even though she doesn't live with them)

margaretclare

cupid_stunt wrote:

I didn't get the impression is was lack of attention that was the real problem, my mum has various health problems and I know (and she has told me) that if my gran had to go and live with my parents it would kill my mum! So I can see why the OP is worried about her parents health and whilst it's lovely to think of all old people being cared for in their family's home if it's jeopardising a happy home life I don't think it's worth it.

We will all be old one day I know, but I think the OPs parents should be putting their children and future before a 94 year old woman, mother or not (I am sorry I know this sounds harsh - maybe it's cos I have an awkward grandma and see the effect this has on my family even though she doesn't live with them)

I've been there. I recall what it was like when my MIL (in my first marriage) sold her house in Eastbourne and came to live with us in the Pennine cottage. We had a lot of space and it seemed like a good idea...it was not.

Consultant31 wrote about a father who 'never liked me' - yes, this was the case with MIL. Because of dementia she'd managed to forget who I was, except that I was 'that woman her son lives with, his first wife ran away and left him, you know' which she was happy to tell anyone she came into contact with. There's always a grain of truth, and the fact was that I left weeks after our wedding mainly due to her, and we only got back together again 2 years later after he had left home. God alone knows why we thought it was a good idea - we felt sorry for her, she was great at manipulating and making you feel guilty, and she said some very hurtful things to her granddaughters who she didn't recognise either.

IMHO multi-generation households work if, and ONLY if, the older person has something like a separate granny-flat with own front door. Or even if the younger people have their own annexe - whatever, from what I've seen and experienced over the years I feel strongly that 'taking care of the old people in your home' is an extremely difficult thing to do.

To say that Asians do it - well, it's up to them, and it's mainly down to the daughters-in-law, from whom a lot is expected. I feel sorry for them. I recall when I worked in Saudi the third and final time, in 1992, I was asked by my staff - who were Libyans, Filipinas, south Koreans - why I wasn't at home being looked after by my daughters at my age, why I was having to go overseas to work: 'after all that's what you have daughters and daughters-in-law FOR'. They really said that! I can't imagine a more horrible prospect. I'd hate it, and please God I never have to resort to such a possibility. I like my own independence and personal freedom too much.

Margaret

CFC

Princess, dyslexia doesn't make you write like a texter - eg 'u'. And dyslexia doesn't make you unable to start a sentence with a capital 'I'. It also doesn't make you put '2' for 'to' or 'too'. That isn't dyslexia, it's text speak. You appear to be using a sympathy trump card of 'dyslexia' to try to make me feel sorry for you.

To say I cannot understand what it is like to live with a manipulative older person - how do you know I have not? You're actually quite wrong.

You're saying that I can't understand the 'infiltration' of granny - when you're using that phrase in the context of your friends are asking after her as soon as they see you. It pops into my mind that your friends appear to care about her and take an interest in her, perhaps instead of sympathising with you, and that you resent that.

I can only pray that when the posters on here are very old, that they will enjoy going into a home to be neglected by poorly paid 'carers'. There is a place for Nursing Home Care when older people are in very poor health, or are demented. At that point no ordinary family is equipped to look after a person in that condition. But here we are not talking about old people who need that kind of care, just 'awkward' old people. Old people can be extremely awkward, it's probably one of the few pleasures of old age, I guess, and they need kind and firm treatment to build up positive patterns, in exactly the same way as children do. It's unreasonable to expect every old person to have improved as they get older, as sometimes they do revisit a kind of second childhood. They sometimes will 'tell' you and not 'ask' you to do things, and they want them done NOW. That's very childlike and needs to be dealt with in the same spirit as one would with a child. But nobody wants to put a needy child into a home because 'they're a nuisance'.

Obviously you are all prepared to go into a home without complaining, and are fully in agreement that your own children should take little responsibility towards you in the future, other than popping into the home to see you when it suits them. Of course, that'll probably never suit the grandchildren, who will never or rarely visit the granny because old people are so boring, aren't they, and visiting an old people's home is like going to visit someone in hospital - it's not homely and it's full of strangers.

Presumably said children and grandchildren are also happy to forego any future nest egg from the sale of the old person's home without complaining, because they'd rather spend that money on slotting their mother or father into an old people's home, leaving them to the bought mercy of strangers.