i am not coping with grandmother

Princess_Cinderella_2

i know this is not really moneysaving but i really need some help i am 23 and live at home just before i took my finals in may my 94 year old grandmother came 2 live with us as she was unable to cope at home on her own. everything was ok 2 start with i was doing exams so spent most of my time in my room with my head in a book:rotfl: . since then i have become increasingly unable to cope with her living with us, she is spliting the family apart my little sister spends most of her time at friends now and even sleeps there. my mum always looks tired and stressed although she claims she is ok. my dad is in a really ackward position because he can she is upsetting us but it is his mum and the only family he has.

everyong has less patience and for the first time in 25 years my parents are having arguments. the last straw came yesturday when i took my mum out for the day shopping so that she could have a break from the house and about 1/2 an hour into the shopping trip we got a phone call 2 say that grandmother had falled at home and was in a & e. this as u can imagine but an end 2 our day although we did not go 2 the hospital cause dad and sister were laready there we ended up coming home throught worry (on mums part mainly) she has done this before. in the summer when we were not paying enough attention 2 her she fell deliberatly 2 get sympathy now there is the question has she done it again?

reading this back i probably sound like a drama queen but i just dont know what 2 do anymore i am at uni doing a masters degree so i have lots of work 2 do but seem 2 spend lots of time cleaning up plates and dropped food. getting the paper and general tasks that distract me. i worry 4 my parents health as mum is 53 and dad 61 so they r not young 2 have all this stress.

i sometimes feel she has inflitarated our lives when we c friends the first thing they say is how is grandma it never used to be this way. i am just not sure where i can turn for help there is no question of her going in a home she would not survive she went in one for 2 weeks in september so we could have a break and she has done nothing but make us feel guilty about it ever since.

i did not realise i had writeen so much Sorry:eek: but i had 2 write it all down. has anybody been in a simillar position 2 me? or has any advice on what i can do to cope better with the situation? cause at the moment i am not sure what i can do for the best to keep my family 2gether in the way it used to be Thanks

chatta

I am sorry this is hard on you, and I can see your side........ Guess its hardest for your dad as it's his mum. He is in the middle of a difficult problem, and my admiration to him for not just putting her in a 'home'. You have to see some of them to imagine how horrible that could be....... If you think she is just attention seeking then I suppose she is of sound mind. Try to see the good side of this and take advantage of that. Sit down and talk to her, she is a living history book. She has lived through at least one war, brought up your dad, and so on....... Ask her about how naughty he was when he was little, or how she coped during rations after the war....... When you are young like you are it's hard to imagine her ever being your age, talk to her about what was the difference between you both....... Maybe she would rather still be in her own home as well......... Good luck, and remember she wont be with you forever........

Lyndsay_21

I know exactly how you feel my grandma lives with my parents and it has made huge dents in their relationship. I think the problem lies with the fact its also my dads mum and blokes find it harder to stand up to their mums, my grandma obviously needs to go into a nursing home but my dad 'wont' do it for whatever reasons. She can hardly walk she's incontinent and has just come out of hospital and has mrsa, so she really does need to be somewhere where they can take care of her full time yet the hospital recomended coming back home and having someone in 3 times a day to take her to the loo etc.

Princess_Cinderella_2

thanks 4 the advice it is good 2 hear from people with some persepctive on the situation i might have a go at talking 2 her

emilyt

Hi there Princess Cinderella,
Sorry to hear about your problems.
If your dad refuses to encourage your gran to go into a home then i think it is only fair to your mum that you get some help.
Maybe ask social services or age concern. Crossroads is another organisation that can help out.
They can come in and either help your gran with personal needs or just sit with her while your mum gets a well earned rest.
Remember nothing lasts forever and there are people out there to help you.
Hope this helps.
Take care
Emilyt

Savvy_Sue

Social Services are the place to start for getting your grandma's care needs assessed, but also - and this is a key thing here - your parents are also entitled to have their needs as carers assessed.

It sounds as if the brunt of it falls on your mum, TBH it doesn't seem likely that your dad would be doing much in the way of helping grandma dress, wash etc, if she needs that kind of help.

I don't know how old your little sister is, but maybe you and your mum and dad could talk together about how things could be improved, what help would be needed etc.

Another question is was grandma like this before she came to live with you, ie demanding, manipulative, attention seeking? If she was, then it's not likely she's going to change. If she wasn't, then probably she is as unhappy as the rest of you, and maybe talking to her as well about how difficult everyone is finding it would be worthwhile.

Good luck, and hugs.

glenstan

I really feel for all of you, my advice is to phone duty team tomorrow at your local social services dept and ask for help. they will give it because your family are saving them thousands a month by helping your gran to stay in her community- your mother is entitled to a carers assessment as well as your gran being entitled to an assessment of her needs. social services will not assess your mother in front of your gran so she will be able to truthfully tell how the careing roll is affecting her and the family. maybe your gran could go to a day center a couple of days a week and be with others her own age, transport is usually arranged to drop of and return people back home for teatime,this is only one idea,there are many others that social services may suggest. I have been a carer to 2 elderly people for 8 years both of whom have sadly died during the past year, i was like your mother and said i could cope but when i look back i do not know how i did it, one of them was my husbands mother, he felt awful because he knew i was worn out but he could not do any more for his mother. ( lots of her care involved very personal things). your mother should not hesistate or feel guilty in asking for help, she is entitled to a life. best of luck and keep going until you get the help you need

livinginhope

Hi princess cinderella,sorry you're feeling fed up at the moment,I think a lot of the problem is the generation gap.I know how seemingly manipulative some elderly people can be,BUT I don't think they knowingly do things on purpose,although it can sometimes seem that way.
I was basicaly going to echo what glenstan said,try to find out about a day centre where she can be with people her own age and do things to keep her mind active,if you think about it she probably feels as fed up about the situation as you.
Concentrate on your studies and remember she won't be around forever,so love her while she's here,faults and all.

Princess_Cinderella_2

thanks for all ur advice its nice 2 hear from other people i will tell my parents about all ur suggestions and mayb they will take some of them up she does go 2 a day centre 1 day a week but there is not enough room 2 list all the faults she has found with it i appreciate all the comments

consultant31

I know exactly what it's like, I looked after my MIL for 2 years till her death, then FIL for 12 years till he too died. It was very hard for all of us and since they've both gone, I've found out just how hard it was for my children.
At the time I didn't think it affected them much, but they've recently said how they hated always having to be quiet in the house, and how I hardly had any time for them because the old folk were so demanding.

My husband and I were actually drawn closer by looking after FIL because he was so difficult, spiteful and demanding. He never liked me and resented the fact that I got money (a carers allowance) for looking after him. For the last 2 years of his life, he was doubly incontinent, wheelchair bound and he developed dementia and, at last, became easier to deal with though the physical demands were greater.

I honestly believe, for the sake of you and your sister, your parents should consider letting your Gran go into a home. It may seem cruel, but it will save your family unit from coming apart at the seams. You'll need to do lots of research to find a home that's got a good reputation, but then your parents will need to sit your Gran down and explain the reasons behind it - it's not that they don't love her, but that the family, her granchildren, have to come first.

As others have said, she won't live for ever, (though she could live for several more years) but then, neither will you be at home for ever and neither will your sister be a child for ever.

If they're anything like me and my husband, it will be their sense of duty which makes them want to look after her, and it's going to be warring with the love they have for you and your sister - believe me when I say, there can be no compromise in the house when an old person lives in it - everything always ends up being in their best interests and not the interests of the other members of the household.

I have already told my children that when their Dad and I are old, I will not allow them to take us into their home. I would far, far rather be in a comfortable 'old folks home' and have them visit because they love us, than forever wonder if they were beginning to resent us because we were a drain on their energy while they looked after us in their own home.

I wouldn't think twice if I had my time over again, I missed such a lot of my children's lives - a time which can never be repeated.

nearlyrich

I sympathise totally it's hard to share your home with an outsider even someone you care about and older people are often set in their ways and don't understand that people have busy lives.

I have had some dealings with the local social services for a relative and to be honest they are about as much use as a chocolate teapot. If you care about your relative they can get away with not offering much in the way of help because they know you will manage.

I hope you can get through this as a family, keep talking to each other, don't feel bad about how you are feeling.