How do you leave your husband?

Oldernotwiser

swingaloo wrote: »

It will be hard, (Im sure someone better able than me will be along to advise on the financial side of it) but you will get through it and come out the other side feeling more content. I have a sister who has been in a violent marriage for over 20 yeras and she often says she wishes she had the courage to do what I did. I think it takes more courage to stay in a bad marriage. Dont waste your life, your children will find it hard but they will come to understand.
If I was to give any warning I would say dont be too quick to 'get a life'. You say

*I* want a life *I* want to have some fun and *I* want to be me now??

but 'you' are 'you' now. This is who you are, a mum and unhappy wife. Take some time to get your new life on track and make sure you and the kids are settled and content before you become a 'party animal'. Having fun will happen later, first you need to assess your life and where you go from here.

Its a rough ride for a while and Ive looked back and wondered how I got through it but I know I did the right thing.

I hope things turn out well for you.

But the OP isn't in a bad marriage and certainly not an abusive one.

jamespir

mrsunhappy wrote: »

I know that but I am very sociable and struggle with the fact I don't go out because it makes him uphappy

is that what hes said or what you percieve

ailuro2

tbh I'd give him a chance, sit down and be honest with each other - now the kids are older there's nothing to stop you having "date nights" and getting into the habit of spending some time together, and also building into that some time for "you" so he can have the kids for some quality time while you go off and have a walk in the park, meet a friend for coffee, whatever it takes to help you feel like someone other than your kids' chief cook and bottle washer 24/7

Good marriages aren't good all the time, they take work and a fair bit of luck - yours doesn't sound like it's completely irrepairable, I'd not bin it yet, who knows maybe you can all come out the other side stronger than you went in - just as some marriages can survive an affair, some marriages can survive a major shift in one person's life goals.;)

clearingout

You need to see a counsellor together, immediately. Try Relate (they generally have a waiting list, however) or find someone else locally. Divorce is hell - I know I didn't want my divorce so my perspective is different, but I don't know of anyone on either 'side' who thought it was easy. You invest so much into a marriage that it's horrible watching it all ebb away. If there is any chance you can save things, then take the chance, see a counsellor and try and work it out.

My one observation would be that with three children, one of whom has a disability, as a single parent, you are not going to be in a position to get out and enjoy yourself. If anything, your life will become increasingly isolated as you cope with everything on your own. Don't bank on the shared care situation - my ex wanted that (and even fought me in court for it) but when it came down to it, he couldn't cope with it. Girlfriend was not understanding he had children - so he chose her.

paulrn_2

JoJoB wrote: »

So your husband can afford to stay in the marital home by himself while you and your children face the upheaval and stress and expense of moving? Does that sound right to you? What kind of man would agree to this? No wonder you are leaving him.

You have been married 18 years - even if your name is not on the mortgage you have a right to equity in the property. Don't allow guilt feelings to come into this simply because you are the one to end the marriage. You need to see a few solicitors to see who you gel with and who gives you the best advice.

You should get some child maintenance in addition to your benefits (I think CSA rates are 20% of his income). This might make meeting the mortgage more feasible. Or an arrangement (via solicitor) whereby he contributes to the mortgage until the youngest child is 18, selling the house at that point and splitting the proceeds.

In addition if your name is on the mortgage and you leave you may well be seen as "intentionally homeless" and refused social housing or housing benefit. You really must rethink your position in what you think is being "fair" in this situation, and must think about stability for your children - as must your husband. If he gets nasty or abusive at the suggestion he leaves and life becomes untenable at home then speak to womensaid about local refuges, and your local authority housing options team - if violence or abuse is an issue then they will help you to move.

Get good advice, see solicitors and CAB asap. Do not leave the marital home unless your husband is making the situation completely impossible, it is your home and your children's home.

Just remember he is a husband not a cash machine he will have feelings why should he pay, If I was him I would make sure my children are well cared for but nothing else. If this thread was a man who was bored there would be a lot more pull yourself together comments.

belfastgirl23

OK so you're unhappy, that much is really clear.

The only thing I would say though is that it's very easy to fall into the trap of blaming all of your unhappiness on your OH when there's more to it than that. Yes there are clearly things about him that you don't like, but to be honest, welcome to marriage on that one, no one is perfect. And his imperfections sound fairly typical in one way, low level selfishness etc.

In order to leave him, you have to be certain that he is the cause of your unhappiness and that getting rid of him is what will make you happy. In some cases (like Swingaloo for example), especially where there are other issues like violence or alcoholism, the problem does lie with the other person. But in most cases it's more complicated than that. But is it really your husband's fault entirely that you don't go out? Can't you go to the gym or the cinema or for cups of coffee with friends? Yes it's more effort to do it alone but not impossible. And what you perceive as him taking your confidence, are you sure that's not just sort of a mid-life crisis (I say as one having one of those myself of a sort)

While he is in your life, you have someone to blame for your unhappiness, whether fairly or unfairly. Please before you do anything drastic and split your family up, step back and try to take a cold look at yourself and your own role in all of this. In a relationship breakdown, to my mind nothing is just one person's fault.

Minxy_Bella

Life is too short to be unhappy, for whatever reason. If I were the OP, I'd be squirrelling money away each week into a personal account for my escape fund.

Once the love has gone, it's incredibly difficult to get it back without huge effort on both sides and even then, there's no guarantee. I wish there was.