How do you leave your husband?

mrsunhappy_3

Hello
Have only just registered but has browsed for a while and wondered if someone could offer me some advice please?
I will apologise in advance if it is a bit of a ramble,I just need to get this off my chest.
Ok we have been married 18yrs and have 2 teenage children.Things haven't been happy for a few years and it has all finally come to a head and I just want to leave.
The problem is my husband has now finally seen the errors of his ways (a few small things...not interested in me ,I do everything alone with the kids,I do all the home stuff,kid stuff and where he doesn't go out spending money he literally sits on his game station/watches football or takes the dogs out and never socialises etc..he has always chipped away at any self confidence I have) so now I have told him I am leaving and he has become all apolagetic,says he loves me and is prepared to do change,do anything to keep me. Although this upset me and makes me feel very guilty I just don't think I can love him any more like I should as a husband.:( I've thought about nothing else,I have tried and tried to speak to him over the years but I either get ignored or told things will change but they never do,this time he assures me they will and is more or less begging for another chance,I do believe that they would ...I can honestly say I don't want this but do I owe it to him and my children to give it at least another go??
There is no-one else involved on either side,however I do feel like my life is edging away and I want to go out and have fun.I had my eldest at just 16 and my youngest has a life time illness so I have been the carer for the last umpteen years (again on my own and have done every hospital appointment/visit on my own).Does that make me very selfish that *I* want a life *I* want to have some fun and *I* want to be me now?? (i will obviously alwys been the f/t carer for my child and nothing will ever change that,they will always come first)

My next problem is money.I work p/time (16hrs) and we have a joint bank account ,mortgage and very small debt (£1000 max ) we don't have any savings and most of the times we live to our means and don't have much left at the end of the month .
I have decided I will be the one to leave the marital home with the children (we have agreed shared care) as I could not afford to live here.I will look for a rented place and hopefully receive housing benefit to help me..my child gets DLA and I get carers.I also think the tax credits will help as I work 16hrs but how do I get together the deposit and one months rent the landlords want? I have no-one to borrow money from...Also what about a guarantor? I don't really have anyone I would feel comfortable asking them to do this!!

Please someone point me in the right direction of what to do

Many Thanks

Mrsunhappy

iceicebaby

Hi Mrsunhappy, I didnt want to read and run but I have never been in your situation so have no advice to give. Sit tight though and someone more knowledgable will be along soon.

sueeve

You have spent a long time getting to this point, and now he seems to be at least hearing what you are saying. It may even be that you are able to develop your life more if you stay with him but expect, and get, a lot more from him. Hav eyou ever had any support from/time with, a counsellor. This might clarify to you, and to him, just what you want? You will still be totally tied if you live on your own a a single mum, so I'm not sure that this is the most likely way for you to develop your lifestyle. If he came on board as an involved parent wouldn't that give you more space\/ It may be that a counselling session or two confirms in your mind that you are right to leave. It will also make very clear to him what the problems are. I recommend that you also make an appoimtment to chat with someone at CAB. The more information you can get about the reality of your proposal the better.
Lots of maybes and possibilities, because I cannot judge the result, just some thoughts for you

jamespir

sorry why is it always the mans fault there are two people in the relationship you must have your faults too


and if he dont want to socialise thats his choice your his wife not his mother

mrsunhappy_3

jamespir wrote: »

sorry why is it always the mans fault there are two people in the relationship you must have your faults too

I do have my faults,it is not all his fault by any means..I am writing from my point of view


and if he dont want to socialise thats his choice your his wife not his mother

I know that but I am very sociable and struggle with the fact I don't go out because it makes him uphappy

Turtle

I think it's worth another try personally. This time last year I was going to leave my OH after 14 yrs - we don't have any kids, but I identify with what you were saying about doing all the housework etc. Had tried to talk about this many times but always went in one ear and out of the other. I think he finally realised when I said I was going and really started trying. I still stuck to my guns for a few weeks but then decided to give it another try as I knew I still loved him, but couldn't go on the way we were. Anyway, one year on I'm so happy that we tried again - my OH does so much more round the house and although I still do the most, I'm really happy with how things are. If you think you will regret not giving it a try then please do - you might find that saying you're leaving is the jolt that he needs. Hope things turn out well for you.

JoJoB

So your husband can afford to stay in the marital home by himself while you and your children face the upheaval and stress and expense of moving? Does that sound right to you? What kind of man would agree to this? No wonder you are leaving him.

You have been married 18 years - even if your name is not on the mortgage you have a right to equity in the property. Don't allow guilt feelings to come into this simply because you are the one to end the marriage. You need to see a few solicitors to see who you gel with and who gives you the best advice.

You should get some child maintenance in addition to your benefits (I think CSA rates are 20% of his income). This might make meeting the mortgage more feasible. Or an arrangement (via solicitor) whereby he contributes to the mortgage until the youngest child is 18, selling the house at that point and splitting the proceeds.

In addition if your name is on the mortgage and you leave you may well be seen as "intentionally homeless" and refused social housing or housing benefit. You really must rethink your position in what you think is being "fair" in this situation, and must think about stability for your children - as must your husband. If he gets nasty or abusive at the suggestion he leaves and life becomes untenable at home then speak to womensaid about local refuges, and your local authority housing options team - if violence or abuse is an issue then they will help you to move.

Get good advice, see solicitors and CAB asap. Do not leave the marital home unless your husband is making the situation completely impossible, it is your home and your children's home.

Oldernotwiser

You have nothing to lose by giving your marriage another try and everything to gain.

Apart from the moral and emotional angles, living on benefits in rented accommodation is difficult , particularly with a disabled child, and to be avoided if possible.

pupsicola

I think the earlier posters recommendation of seeing a counsellor is a good idea. You could both be helped to express clearly to each other what you are feeling and thinking and would like from the realtionship in future. Its got to be worth a go.

Liquorice_Twirls

I think you do need to get some proper legal advice so I would try to arrange an appointment with CAB or a free legal centre. In the meantime you need to try to manage to have a little money behind you even if it's only a few pounds a week you can put to one side.

I would agree with Jojob that you should try to stay in your home for now. It will give some stability for your children and give you time to get legal advice.

Your local authority would be a good place to check about being rehoused and to check about being homeless.

swingaloo

I could be reading the story of my own past!

There is no easy way. I knew for years that I would leave eventually. He was a spoilt child who never grew up, had no sense of responsibility, had affairs and a drink problem and I told him time after time that I wanted out. I had been with him over 25 years and was deeply unhappy.

The trouble is that there is no easy way to leave, even if its what you desperatly want as in your case and mine, its still impossible to wake up and think 'I will do it today'. There will always be a reason not to go, holidays, Xmas, birthdays, family deaths, elderly parents you dont want to upset etc.

However putting it off dosnt solve the problem. I finally snapped when we had a row whilst we were out and I just never went home. I drove over 300 miles to 'hide' at a friends and them found myself a flat to rent. My son who was 20 at the time took it badly and there were things I could have done better. I left my ex in the family home as I couldnt make things any worse for him by expecting him to re mortgage to buy me out. He went to pieces and alternated between threatening suicide and threatening to kill me for months. I had all the anger and begging. The thing is that whilst still with him he had come to realise that I was serious about leaving him and tried to stop drinking, became a lot more attentive and affectionate to the point that he just got on my nerves. Once the love and respect has gone its too late to salvage a marriage.

The amount of guilt you will feel is incredible but keep in mind that you are doing this for the right reasons. I so nearly caved in a couple of times when he was crying and promising the earth but I had heard it all before and at those times you have to remember the reasons you wanted to leave.

Its now 10 years since I left and ex has married again. He hasnt learnt form his mistaked and his 2nd wife frequently threatens to throw him out. (He is now living in her house) He had a 2nd chance and I still see him occasionally but all he does is hark back to the past and repeat how sorry he is that he threw it all away. I still feel incredibly sorry for him and wish he was happy.

However I am happy and I know I did the right thing.Its hell going through it, when you have been with someone that long you do feel for them even if you dont want to spend the rest of your life with them. You have to be strong, if you are sure that its what you want you need to go for it. I went from a nice house to a grotty flat with no heating, but the bliss of coming home to no horrible atmosphere made up for the surroundings.

It will be hard, (Im sure someone better able than me will be along to advise on the financial side of it) but you will get through it and come out the other side feeling more content. I have a sister who has been in a violent marriage for over 20 yeras and she often says she wishes she had the courage to do what I did. I think it takes more courage to stay in a bad marriage. Dont waste your life, your children will find it hard but they will come to understand.
If I was to give any warning I would say dont be too quick to 'get a life'. You say

*I* want a life *I* want to have some fun and *I* want to be me now??

but 'you' are 'you' now. This is who you are, a mum and unhappy wife. Take some time to get your new life on track and make sure you and the kids are settled and content before you become a 'party animal'. Having fun will happen later, first you need to assess your life and where you go from here.

Its a rough ride for a while and Ive looked back and wondered how I got through it but I know I did the right thing.

I hope things turn out well for you.