Help why cant I take care of my own parents?

rose28454

I originally posted this thread on the redundancy thread a few months ago as I was basically asking about what monies would be due to a carer who gets paid £100.00 cash a week? I have copied the original thread on this different thread as there have been developments today.

"To cut a long story short my brothers and sisters and I are all in our 40's and 50's and Mum is 84 and Dad 90. My oldest brother always has been a big bully and I am the only one who does not speak to him as basically he persuaded Dad to invest in 3 failed business and has left them with a large never ending mortgage. I look after them on a day to day basis as I live near and they had a cleaner who came twice a week. She was not great with timekeeping but cleaned well and they got to be quite fond of her. However 6 months ago my brother decided they needed a carer/cleaner so he advertised and got someone then sacked the other lady and told her not to phone or visit them again. My Mum was really upset but they are also frightened so gave in. I was really incensed by his attitude of " I wont be overruled on this " and after some discussion with my sister' I agreed to give it time.
6 months has passed and things are not going well. They wont let her do any actual caring ( which I understand ) and my daughter and I go daily to put my Dad's cream on as he has a bad rash. I have been talking to my eldest sister about this but as she lives abroad she has not seen what has been going on. However she came home to visit them and was shocked at the fact my parents are paying this woman £100.00 per week for 12.5 hours of cleaning and caring and she had to spend all week cleaning. ( this woman insisted she needed this many hours when he interviewed her). She also told my brother she could shop and do the garden. Mum wont let her shop as she likes me to take her or do it for her and I had to re-plant all the pots she did as she made such a mess of it. She was put out that my sister did the cleaning but as my sis said she had too as the house was so dirty. To top it all she told my Mum to ask my sister not to do her work. My parents are so frightened of upsetting my brother that they did not say anything. However I am livid and want to tell her to leave. My brother even took my Dad's cashcard and he draws the money fortnightly to pay her. Dad has Alzheimers so gets very upset and really want his card back and my parents are paying her so can be trusted to make sure she gets her money.
Because of my issues with him I have to be careful that my anger is not misread as a vendetta so I have e-mailed my sis and asked her to intervene.

As my parents health has deteriorated recently my 2 sisters and my other brother have all come to an agreement in the last couple of weeks that the carer needs to go and I am going to take over from her. As I cant communicate with my brother my oldest sister spoke to him last week and told him that with Mum and Dad's agreement I will take over next week. He basically agreed in principle but then went away for a few days. My other brother said he would speak to him and agreed that she should be paid this Friday and then told that the job is finished for her. My sibling all think she should be given some money as recompense for losing the job ( say 1 weeks wages). Yesterday my Dad was very poorly and had a very upset tummy and only got up for 30 minutes all day. I persuaded him to get up for t but he was very agitated and upset. His dementia is much worse and we all feel that one of us needs to care for them.
This morning Mum aske to call the doctor to call her to discuss his health. The doctor came out at lunchtime and said he needed to go to hospital for a few tests to make sure he was not bleeding internally. He left a letter for the Ambulance and after he left my brother arrived. I let him in ans gave him the letter to read. He basically sntached it from my hand znd instead of coming into the lounge where my parents and I were he went into the other room and went into the corner with the carer in order for her to update him. He then came into the lounge to ask what was going on. I tried to tell him but I may aswell have been invisible. So I decided as they were not on their own I had better leave. I got into my car and called my other brother in tears who told me to go back and ignore him. When I was going back in the carer came out to go home and asked me what was wrong. I decided I had enough of lying and I said what was wrong was that my brother should be talking to Mum and I and not whispering with her in corners. She said Oh and got in her car. When I went in I asked him what he thought he was doing behaving like that and told him Mum and Dad and the rest of us had agreed to the change in carer from next Monday. He swore and shouted at me an basically said she would not be going.
My parents never wanted her at all and find it very instrusive having her there every day. Neither of them will allow her to carry out any personal care and I already have to do a lot of the cleaning as she only does some of it.

My brother then left and we waited 4 hours for the Ambulance ( one of us would have taken him in had we known). He came back as Dad was leaving in the ambulance and he took my mother back with him to stay at his house.

Now I know I may come across a !!!!! but as I said to him today this is about them and not us. I feel totally helpless that I cannot even look after my parents because of him. He rarely comes to see them himself but instead sends his wife and daughter. My 24 year old daughter and I do the main caring and one or other of us does his cream every day. My sister in law works for our local primary care trust and the way he spoke to me this morning you would have thought he was talking to a meeting of care givers not his sister. I am sitting in my chair crying as I feel so helpless. No doubt he thinks his motives were well intentioned but it has not made their life better only worse.

Please dont think I am a !!!!! I am just a daughter who knows her parents need her and I am being prevented from helping them.

Angely

Ok, i confess it takes time to read through......Anyway, GOD bless!

Jinx

Im sorry you're having such a bad time when you just clearly care about your parents.....

You said your dad has Alzheimers, is your mum okay? I was just wondering if you could have an agreement drawn up which allows you to control the finances and decisions, is it a power of attorney? Its a legal position anyway. Im sure someone more knowledgeable will clarify. That way you could get rid of the carer and it might help with your brothers bullying.

Or would it be possible to have a family conference with both your parents and all your siblings, so that your brother would see that your family agree with you?

I understand where you are coming from.... my mum is in the position you are with regards to a brother, however my grandparents are still healthy but have had to put a lot of safeguards in their wills and in their business to prevent this brother bulldozing his way through the other siblings.

ecgirl07

more learned people will be along in a minute but there are issues such as POA to be considered for your father if his condition deteriorates.

Wishing you the best in the situation and i hope you and your two siblings stay united and strong.

paddedjohn

flippin heck! i thought Ben Hur was an epic!
What is your question?

katsclaws

Hello Rose, Could I suggest that you go the Alzheimer's forum called Talking Point ( alzheimers.org.uk. )It's a wonderful forum with very knowledgeable people. You could also ring your local Alzheimer's society. Does your brother have Lasting or Enduring Power of Attorney for your dad?.
I can understand how worried you are for your parents. The Alzheimer's Society or Age UK will be able to help with the benefits you and your parents are entitled to eg Attendance Allowance, Carers Allowance.


katsclaws

paddy's_mum

It's been suggested to you before that it is the rancour between members of the family that is the driving force behind this 'problem' (SarEl's post in your earlier thread contained much good advice, I felt)

Have any of you given serious thought to seeking family mediation to try to resolve all these feelings of resentment, rivalry and low grade hate, put past injuries behind you and attempt to go forward in united fashion?

It just seems such a pity that with all the concern you each demonstrate for your parents, what is actually happening is that family squabbles are simply creating chaos and stress - not a very loving way to go on, is it?

How much better it would be to direct all that energy to the advantage of your parents.

rose28454

We have tried on many occasions to get together to discuss things and a close family friend has already suggested acting as a mediator. However my brother refuses point blank to be in the same house let alone room with me there. He was not comfortable yesterday with me being there. My younger sister and brother have both spoken to him today with regard to the carer going but I am not sure how it went as I am trying to keep out of the disagreements.
I phoned my mother at my brothers this morning and agreed to pick her up at lunchtime and take her to visit Dad. On the way I actually saw him drive by me and he actually put up his hand to acknowledge me. This indeed is a step forward!!
With regard to getting them help I got Mum the attendance allowance some years ago and I got it for Dad about 1 year ago. I also claim the Carer's allowance for looking after them. My parents made a will some time ago and did fill out Power of Attorney forms but they have not yet been implemented. Mum actually asked me if I thought she should get the Power of Attorney acted upon so that she could be in charge of Dad's things. Some of their money is in Dad's name only and her and I have been discussing getting her name being put on those accounts to make it easier for bills to be paid etc. At the moment I have a joint account with Mum and she also has one with Dad. I pay a lot of bills or them and arrange odd jobs, electric suppliers . plumbing etc on their behalf. If for instance my sister does shopping for them then I arrange to pay her back.
I will look at the Alzheimers forum as it sounds like it may be helpful. Dad is in for tests for a few days and I had t with Mum and she is going to have an early night as she does not get much sleep with my Dad at home.
Many thanks for everyone's input. I think my brother took on board some of my observations yesterday and Mum said he even went to the shop this morning to get her the daily paper as she has it delivered at home.

Penry

If your Dad is still in hospital and his care needs have increased, I would suggest getting the hospital Social Work team involved in assessing his needs, and let them arrange an appropriate care plan for your dad. If you have concerns that your brother is exerting undue influence on your mum and/or dad then you need to raise this with them. They and medical staff will be able to decide if your mum and dad have the capacity to make their own decisions about who provides care. If not - who will do this on their behalf? (what does the POA say?). If they do - what is their choice (away, with respect, from the influence both you and your brother).

I would be surprised if Social Services would be supportive of your mum and dad paying you to be their carer, especially if you are also claiming Carer's Allowance. Obviously we don't know your brother's side of the arguement, does he not want you to be their carer for some reason, or does he just not want you to get paid for it? Why is he so attached to the carer they have in place?

This sounds a complicated long running situation and your mum and dad seem stuck in the middle. If they are not able to decide/ act on what is in their best interests, someone else needs to do it. It sounds like the family will never agree.

Good luck.

I_know_my_ABC_and_my_CMYK

Is is possible that your brother has taken charge of the situation as he didn't feel anyone else would?

We have had a similar situation in our family where our father is concerned.

I have 2 brothers, brother A and brother B.

Brother A has called the shots with father, done all the arranging with hospital appointments, Carers benefits etc., he even has power of attorney on his bank accounts. Brother B who it the eldest does nothing, his wife tried to get power of attorney for father but brother A stepped in and stopped it by getting in there first, this was actually a good move.

Bother A who is also a self employed building contractor sees to our father at some point every day, I do his hopping 3 times a week and if he calls for me to go down there. I am disabled myself brother A has been recently diagnosed with heart problems and brother B sees father for 2 hours once a fortnight but actually has more free time, he is also healthy.

This situation has caused problems but I now can see it was the right way to do it as brother B doesn't do anything unless his wife says it ok.

Sorry this is confusing, but I wonder if your brother feels if he doesn't take charge no one else will.

rose28454

Penry wrote: »

I would be surprised if Social Services would be supportive of your mum and dad paying you to be their carer, especially if you are also claiming Carer's Allowance. Obviously we don't know your brother's side of the arguement, does he not want you to be their carer for some reason, or does he just not want you to get paid for it? Why is he so attached to the carer they have in place?

This sounds a complicated long running situation and your mum and dad seem stuck in the middle. If they are not able to decide/ act on what is in their best interests, someone else needs to do it. It sounds like the family will never agree.

Good luck.

The Adult care team were dealing with my parents case until April when this woman was appointed. I had most of the dealings with them and they were very helpful. However my brother arranged a meeting with them when I was away on holiday last year. He was insisting that the Social Services pay for a wet room for them ( they already have a lovely shower room downstairs and an upstairs bath and toilet). The lady who was dealing with their case called again once more and as she was leaving told me that they would sign off the case as my brother told them he was dealing with it. She told me off the record that he was quite rude to them and she could see why I had a problem with him. I do however call the office from time to time to talk to her and she is always very helpful.
With regards to the Carer's allowance I am self employed and it is declared on my tax for as it is taxable ( It is £50.05 per week) and I would also declare any monies my parents paid me. One of the offers the social services was to provide my parents with some extra monies ( about £140.00 per month) with which to pay for someone to drive for them. However my brother also vetoed that as the authorities wanted paperwork to show where this money was going. As I am a bookkeeper that would be no problem for me.

However I have been very depressed and stressed by all of this last night and today am wondering if I can indeed put myself through all this grief. I younger brother was on the phone last night giving me a 25 minute lecture about it all. I feel I had the best of intentions but although I want to help them I am beginning to feel maybe I should not. I have been seperated from my ex for 3 years and have not had an easy life. He was an alcoholic ( 3 years dry now though!) and I am left with a lot of debt and having to sell ouR family home in the near future. My 2 grown up children have both landed good jobs recently and my daughter is moving out in the new year. Maybe I should be selfish and just leave things as they are.

As to the other poster who asks if he took control because nobody else would. My sisters and I found a good cleaner who they really liked ( although her time keeping was not always good) who he dismissed by phone and told her not to come near my parents or phone them again. Dad has been in hospital since Tuesday for tests and except for a swift visit from him yesterday nobody has been to see her since Wednesday morning except me( and the carer)
Dont know what to do. On the one hand I feel guilty thinking about not helping them and on the other I think I need to look after me as no one else does.