Reducing access for NRP?

SingleMumOf2_3

Ok so some of you will know that against the advice of some on here I went to the solicitors and gave my ex the letter he had been mithering for, for months stating that at present he had my eldest so many days and nights a week, so that he could claim JSA.

The solicitor said it would not have any bad impact on me and would not effect me unless I tried to reduce access and he took me to court. As they would then argue that he has been capable of caring for him for that amount of time for so many months.

My question is.. if I go back to university and he gets a job.. obv I cannot allow him to have the kids 3 days and 3 nights.. as he would expect to have them the days he doesnt work (well 2 of plus a nursery day).

So if I were to reduce access due to nursery, uni and work.. can he dispute this?

He also wants my youngest the same amount of time asap.. I would much rather he have both boys 2 days and 2 nights a week (well when baby is old enough and not breastfed).

But me being as stupid as I am I got the silly solicitors letter and keep giving in to his demands.

Also.. how can I give myself a kick up the !!!! and get a back bone and stop being so soft? grrrrr.

puddy

i dont know where to start

are these children human beings to the 2 of you, or meal tickets?

firstly to answer your question

it is not obvious that he 'cannot' have access on 3 days and 3 nights a week, why do you think this? i have assumed you meant that you need them with you (officially) so that you get the relevant benefits and allowances for university?

secondly, the courts and any assessment will work on the basis of the status quo. if there is no good reason to change the status quo, ie it is not in the child's interest to do so, then the current contact arrangements can stay as they are

thirdly, a plan to arrange custody to take advantage of the benefits system will indeed reflect very badly on both of you within the court system

SingleMumOf2_3

I'm not bothered about benefits more concerned about routine. He wont have them on a work day if he gets a job. Only days off.. but wants his mum to still have my eldest one day a week. He would rather have them all the time and be a stay at home dad while I am at uni. But I'd prefer him to work and see them round that. Surely thats reasonable?

Jewel_2

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

Ok so some of you will know that against the advice of some on here I went to the solicitors and gave my ex the letter he had been mithering for, for months stating that at present he had my eldest so many days and nights a week, so that he could claim JSA.

The solicitor said it would not have any bad impact on me and would not effect me unless I tried to reduce access and he took me to court. As they would then argue that he has been capable of caring for him for that amount of time for so many months.

My question is.. if I go back to university and he gets a job.. obv I cannot allow him to have the kids 3 days and 3 nights.. as he would expect to have them the days he doesnt work (well 2 of plus a nursery day).

So if I were to reduce access due to nursery, uni and work.. can he dispute this?

He also wants my youngest the same amount of time asap.. I would much rather he have both boys 2 days and 2 nights a week (well when baby is old enough and not breastfed).

But me being as stupid as I am I got the silly solicitors letter and keep giving in to his demands.

Also.. how can I give myself a kick up the !!!! and get a back bone and stop being so soft? grrrrr.

I would wipe this slate clean. I would share care 50/50 so that no maintenance or money needs to change hands, and then I would independently (the two of you) work around your responsibilities.

You're not together anymore, the children need routine as you say, but tbh it looks far too complicated to work out this way.

No-one needs to be a stay at home anything - you can both work and study. The children can go to nursery and you can both get on with your careers and offer your children something better for the future.

SingleMumOf2_3

Jewel.. do I tell him to claim CB and TC for one child? My only problem is my eldest goes to nursery twice a week near me.. and next year will start there 5 mornings a week (if I got into uni more if needed). But it is a 20 minute drive from where dad lives. So do I ask him to drop off and pick up on certain days?

I guess its all new to me sharing access. I want to do whats best for my kids. He keeps asking to have my youngest overnight, but because he is breastfed I feel reluctant.. but at the same time feel mean for not putting him on the bottle so dad can have him.

puddy

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I'm not bothered about benefits more concerned about routine. He wont have them on a work day if he gets a job. Only days off.. but wants his mum to still have my eldest one day a week. He would rather have them all the time and be a stay at home dad while I am at uni. But I'd prefer him to work and see them round that. Surely thats reasonable?

well i read some of your other threads and obviously things have been tricky lately so sorry if i appear sharp

however, there is nothing wrong with your eldest being at his nan's during the time that his father has him. when the child is with a parent (any parent) it is within that parent's control what the routine is and if staying the night at nan's is part of that, then so be it, just like if you decied that one night a week the child would stay at nans that would be ok

your ex sounds a loser, but at the same time, why is it ok for you to be a full time parent but not him? i understand you are looking to go back to uni but even if the both of you were working full time, why wouldnt it be ok to share custody? if you both lived together and worked full time, you would be sharing custody in that circumstance but you would be working as well, its the same thing except that you both live separately.

however, the fact is now he has nearly 50% access and shared custody or residence does not have to be accurately 50/50 time spent with each parent, so he probably would be considered as a full time resident parent just like you are.

routines are just that, they are routines which are put in place and stay in place with agreement. of course things change from time to time, children get older and have different school times or locations, parents may change jobs or come home and different times but i wouldnt consider there to be any reason to change his access unless it went against the welfare of your children and it doesnt from what you say.

however, you may be rightly concerned about his attempts to control the situation but this is where its your responsibility to be strong. you spoke on another thread about him wanting custody and would use your depression and self harming from a million years ago to blacken your name. this is unlikely to be taken seriously by any court or cafcass officer without the evidence and if there have been no concerns about your care of the children (being stressed after a colicky baby doesnt count) then it wont be taken any notice of

SingleMumOf2_3

I think I struggle because he always goes on about money. Like its the only important thing. And I try hard to set times for pick up and drop off.. I only change it if I have an important hospital appt or for example an operation I have coming up he will have him a day earlier.
But he picks him up late, drops him off early.. which always makes me wonder if he really does want to spend more time with them. As if I only had 3 days with my boys I'd spend every minute until I was due to drop them off.. not drop them off early.
But your correct.. neither of us has the "right". I am just confused by how it all works and the "correct" way to do it I suppose.

Jewel_2

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

Jewel.. do I tell him to claim CB and TC for one child? My only problem is my eldest goes to nursery twice a week near me.. and next year will start there 5 mornings a week (if I got into uni more if needed). But it is a 20 minute drive from where dad lives. So do I ask him to drop off and pick up on certain days?

I guess its all new to me sharing access. I want to do whats best for my kids. He keeps asking to have my youngest overnight, but because he is breastfed I feel reluctant.. but at the same time feel mean for not putting him on the bottle so dad can have him.

Believe me, from someone who has spent years trying to fathom out separation details, you do not want to think too deeply. What ifs are not facts. If I'm being honest here, you sound to me as though you're worried he will have custody (a natural thing to feel). Don't let that get in the way of practical issues.

If I were you (and I mean this without knowing the finances as I was never able to claim anything), work it out so that you don't need any help, if you can, and take it from there. Say you will do everything, and see what he comes up with. I can't work out whether he is helping or whether he is a hindrance, but it does sound as though money is his thing.

Edited after your last post - I had this lateness issue until I completely lost the plot and told him he must be on time. It's so difficult because you are putting the kids first, but when you make arrangements tell him he needs to stick to them. If you can trust yourself to be fair, you are doing no wrong. I do feel for you - he sounds like a bit of a b*gger.

puddy

yes, he will scupper his chances if he continues to be unreliable with lates and earlies, because this is the sort of thing that impacts on the welfare of the child. the child needs to feel fairly certain that on thursday mummy comes at 4pm and daddy picks me back up at 9pm so that i can watch night garden with her or him or whatever.

when one parent starts messing about with this, they are not putting their child's welfare first and this could be someting that you could apply to the court to vary because it is affecting the stability of the child.

however, it would be expected that you and ex sort this out without needing a court order, failing that, an order may be just the thing to get some structure and order around the details if necessary. this is a last resort thing though, dont do this out of fear of him having control, deal with this by being stronger

SingleMumOf2_3

puddy thats exactly what I want.. to just sort it between us both. But every so often he will mention money. Wrongly so.. I dont share my CB or Tc because right now I just cannot do that. I sat down and worked it out and if I did I would not be able to meet my rent and bills.. which would mean not being able to provide for the kids And I dont have any bills I shouldnt have.. other than the internet.. which is only £10 a month added onto my phone bill.
I provide most of what is needed for my son. And I do not and never ever will ask for maintenance.. which he is fully aware of. I feel like I am held responsible for an adult life that I shouldn't be iygwim. And it def needs to change. I just havent figured out how to do it bravely and boldly yet.

gratefulforhelp_2

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I guess its all new to me sharing access. I want to do whats best for my kids. He keeps asking to have my youngest overnight, but because he is breastfed I feel reluctant.. but at the same time feel mean for not putting him on the bottle so dad can have him.

Speaking from experience...you have no need to stop breastfeeding to facilitate his contact, and ignore any suggestions that you must express. Many people can't.

Any suggestion that you stop b/f are plainly not in the child's best interests.