Reducing access for NRP?

SingleMumOf2_3

grateful atm he has baby for 4 hours once a week. And I send a bottle of formula.. as I have tried and failed at expressing. I'm just unsure when to start overnight as this may put an end to my breastfeeding days. Though I in no way want to prevent daddy spending time with him.

minimoneysaver

Singlemumof2, I think you already have in your mind what you are going to do. Nothing we say on here will change your mind. You say, "I'm not bothered about benefits more concerned about routine. He wont have them on a work day if he gets a job." I think you and the rest of the MSE community know that this is not going to happen and is the very reason why he had you get the solicitors letter. He thinks he is sitting pretty and using your children as an excuse to not work. They are children and need routine and lots of love. They are not a bargaining tool.

clearingout

I had a baby after my ex and I split up. He was (still is) breastfed. My ex dragged me through the court system for shared residency of our older children and the youngest one obviously got brought into the equation once he was born. No one suggested I should stop breastfeeding and there was no pressure from dad, his solicitor , CAFCASS or a judge for me to hand the baby to dad for overnights until he was over 12 months old. Believe me, if my ex had thought he could get away with it, he'd have been pushing so the fact he didn't, in my opinion at least, shows that the court system won't mess with breastfeeding (frankly, can you imagine the headlines?!). The cafcass officer did ask me when I was going to stop and I told her when the baby felt like it (which is what my other two did - they stopped of their own accord) and when she pulled a face at that, I told her that the World Health Organisations says breastfeeding to the age of 2 is beneficial and I would pull that out in court, if necessary! She laughed.

In the end, we agreed to baby starting over nights at 13 months old and it has all worked fine - he is happy to toddle off with his brothers and seems to enjoy being with dad so it's all good. I still breastfeed him at night and so far, him disappearing for a couple of nights makes me uncomfortable but it hasn't affected the supply - he doesn't apparently get upset at not having boobs when he's at dad's house (that's according to my eldest child). They get used to different routine in different settings.

I agree with the other above, your ex is not wanting to work. And yes, I think if you're not careful, you're going to have a fight for full residency on your hands so you do need to act carefully into the future. No judge, however, is going to be sympathetic to a dad that uses his children as an excuse
not to work and I think it is pretty obvious what his game is. You will do yourself far better justice to get out to university and start building a life for you and your children than an ex who wilfully sits at home on JSA ever can. Keep a diary - particularly of the dropping off early/picking up late but of anything he says or does which might show not working is his first concern, his children second, just in case you ever end up in court.

gratefulforhelp_2

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

grateful atm he has baby for 4 hours once a week. And I send a bottle of formula.. as I have tried and failed at expressing. I'm just unsure when to start overnight as this may put an end to my breastfeeding days. Though I in no way want to prevent daddy spending time with him.

Breastfeed for as long as you and baby want it. As clearing out says a court is not going to mess with b/f, despite what a very few dreadful misogynists may post...not commenting on anyone on this thread...I've also been through this with a solicitor so it isn't conjecture.

clearingout

I think it's also worth saying that CAFCASs recommended a baby under 12 months have contact with dad on a 'little and often' basis so that he got to know him. This was crucial, I think, in dealing with the separation anxiety stage (kicks in around 9 months) so that baby doesn't get distressed when being separated from you. You might want to think about letting him have baby for 4 hours 2 or 3 times a week on this basis. You can then slowly build that up over time to him having the odd nap with dad so he gets used to the bedroom and having someone else settle him and then add in the overnights when you're comfortable with it. Remember, most babies are going through the night after the 6 month mark so it would be possible to facilitate overnights as soon as that happens but not have any impact at all on your milk supply so he can continue to breastfeed. How does that sound?

SingleMumOf2_3

clearing it out we discussed this and were worried about the impact it would have on my 2 year old if dad came and then left without him. same when i start overnight, i wanted him to have him on a sunday night when he first starts overnight access as my mum only gets to see baby on a monday. ex only wants him on a mon night as is last night of the week he has eldest, which is fully understandable. but due to work commitments my mum cant see baby any other day and i feel it unfair she never gets to see him as ex's mum gets a full day and night with eldest every week.. and my mum rarely gets to see eldest.
i am trying to find the right balance, but am finding it hard. when we were married it was easy to ensure all relatives got time with their grandchildren, but since being apart i feel like i am being tugged in all directions to keep everyone happy.
i want consistency and routine. and tbh if i get a place in uni for next year i'm not even sure i'll take it now. as it will mean shift work etc. so no idea how i would manage routine around that!
I do agree though that dad would benefit from seeing baby more. baby is not too bad going out with dad and leaving mum atm, but if he is left with anyone else he now creams the house down. and thats at only 4 months.

Jo_R_2

Just wanted to add, DD2 was 8 months when I split up with her dad, she was breastfed, and we had an initial arrangement whereby DD1 (who was 3) had overnight stays but he would bring DD2 back though otherwise he had fairly similar daytime contact with both of them at the same time IYSWIM.

I was worried about the nighttime feeds in the main as she still feed fairly frequently and we both felt it wasn't appropriate to interfere with this (one of the things we could both agree with!) We agreed we would review the situation as and when it needed, and when she was around a year, she started having the same contact with ex as her big sister. I too found it didn't interfere with my supply and she seemed quite happy to adapt to having or not having a bedtime feed at that age depending on which parent she was with.

It's pleasing to see from other posts that there would be no legal suggestion of interfering with bf, and you shouldn't feel pressured - at this point I see no pressing need to adjust feeding habits to facilitate different access arrangements.

clearingout

I was worried my children wouldn't like going off with dad and leaving the baby (rather than the other way round) and they did comment on it but I just used the line that dad didn't have boobs and that babies need to be with mummy when they're very young and it was accepted. You could suggest to your other son that baby is just having some special time with dad - just like he has - when he comes to take the baby and you use that time to have some special time with him so he doesn't miss out on anything! My eldest occassionally gets annoyed that the baby gets more attention than him but he does understand, if we sit down and talk about it, why that is. Even 5 minutes one-on-one can help to stop jealousy and misunderstanding.