Help please! reviews and reassessments

Loopy_Girl

I'm fine too Lynn...also happy to help if I can or just listen as you vent!

alwayspuzzled

lynn45 wrote: »

thankyou

I guess i worry because i have had to deal with it on my own, and I don't have much, if any knowledge or experience with the csa. Also I've felt embarrassed about the pickle DH has landed himself in with regard to the arrears that he owed, & because of this i haven't been able to talk to any friends or family, it's really affected me.

My DHs a bury his head in the sand type of guy, some might say he's easy come easy go, but he isn't, he just chooses not to think about things

I know exactly what you mean I have found OH's reaction to the CSA unbelieveable and an embarrassment and find I'm wondering why we're even together, true his ex and family have put us thru hell and worse over the past 7 years but to see him dismiss his children both emotionally and financially from his life so easily makes me sick. I have 2 ds from previous relationship as well as a dd to OH and can only imagine how devestated my boys would be if their dad walked away from them.

lynn45

thanks to you all

I'm heartened by the way you offer your help and support.

Wouldn't have managed these last few weeks without everyone on here, truly.

Loopy_Girl

alwayspuzzled wrote: »

I know exactly what you mean I have found OH's reaction to the CSA unbelieveable and an embarrassment and find I'm wondering why we're even together, true his ex and family have put us thru hell and worse over the past 7 years but to see him dismiss his children both emotionally and financially from his life so easily makes me sick. I have 2 ds from previous relationship as well as a dd to OH and can only imagine how devestated my boys would be if their dad walked away from them.

Thank you for that. I have always wondered what the other partners of errant parents thought.

It's a brave and honest thing for you to say.

clearingout

alwayspuzzled wrote: »

I know exactly what you mean I have found OH's reaction to the CSA unbelieveable and an embarrassment and find I'm wondering why we're even together, true his ex and family have put us thru hell and worse over the past 7 years but to see him dismiss his children both emotionally and financially from his life so easily makes me sick. I have 2 ds from previous relationship as well as a dd to OH and can only imagine how devestated my boys would be if their dad walked away from them.

then why stay with him? I know this deviates from the moneysaving side of things, but why would you want to be with a man who all but abandons his children? what's the pay off? My ex's girlfriend was happy to stand by and take a full time salary from our business (whilst already having a full time job herself) go on weekends away abroad, 3 holidays in 12 months, have spa days, theatre breaks and to to music festivals...knowing full well that no money whatsoever was coming the way of his wife (who was pregnant with her husband's child) and two small children. And given that she had three children by three fathers and moans about how society views her because of that, you'd have thought she'd have had some empathy for the wife left behind?!

Anyway, I agree, thanks for saying it. It's good to know there are people out there who can see the wood for the trees, I guess.

lynn45

I don't know why I am still with him, especially, but not completely because of this.

I do know that i've always had an extremely soft spot for him though- not easy to explain, but i know.

What i'm not able to do however, and i've tried so hard, is to forgive him over this and to move on. He said that he realises that whole arrears thing has caused me a lot of pain and worry.

He hasn't much time for his ex, but loves his son, (he hates it that she swanders money on ridiculous things like going to concerts & takeaways, & even goes to america when her children need decent shoes and clothes. Last time we saw my stepson, we felt embarrassed at how she dressed him- jumble sale was in mind. We've not seen him for a while, which is a shame. We used to have clothes for him to wear when he came to us, we did send some home but the next time we saw him wear them they were ruined- not laundered and totally crumpled. PWC isn't a nice person- took him for a very long ride that went on for many years

Iam angry with him though, he should've kept on top of the csa thing himself. It's turned mine and MY children's lives upside down, can't forgive him.

lynn45

clearingout wrote: »

then why stay with him? I know this deviates from the moneysaving side of things, but why would you want to be with a man who all but abandons his children? what's the pay off? My ex's girlfriend was happy to stand by and take a full time salary from our business (whilst already having a full time job herself) go on weekends away abroad, 3 holidays in 12 months, have spa days, theatre breaks and to to music festivals...knowing full well that no money whatsoever was coming the way of his wife (who was pregnant with her husband's child) and two small children. And given that she had three children by three fathers and moans about how society views her because of that, you'd have thought she'd have had some empathy for the wife left behind?!

Anyway, I agree, thanks for saying it. It's good to know there are people out there who can see the wood for the trees, I guess.

just read this once more, and it's making me think long and hard, which isn't feeling very nice at all, but has to be done. thank you

alwayspuzzled

clearingout wrote: »

then why stay with him? I know this deviates from the moneysaving side of things, but why would you want to be with a man who all but abandons his children? what's the pay off? My ex's girlfriend was happy to stand by and take a full time salary from our business (whilst already having a full time job herself) go on weekends away abroad, 3 holidays in 12 months, have spa days, theatre breaks and to to music festivals...knowing full well that no money whatsoever was coming the way of his wife (who was pregnant with her husband's child) and two small children. And given that she had three children by three fathers and moans about how society views her because of that, you'd have thought she'd have had some empathy for the wife left behind?!

Anyway, I agree, thanks for saying it. It's good to know there are people out there who can see the wood for the trees, I guess.

Our relationship is about more than his relationship with his ex and his children, us splitting up would not resolve the issues there and would leave another little girl with a part time dad.

By "whats the pay off" are you implying I sponge off him? Trust me this is not the case.

In our situation the PWC is adamant that we are driving new cars, go on holiday several times a year and generally living the life of Riley, non of this is true. Before she went to the csa we always made sure his financial contribution was well above what was due based on his wage, but she thinks this proves he can pay more and when the benefits rules changed and she went to the CSA got upset because the amount he was paying went down. Yes we have a decent lifestyle but that is due to my wage, I earn more than he does and not through clever accounting but simply because I do. Yes we live in a nice house and she lives in a council house, but I worked 38hrs+ a week whilst doing my A-Levels to save up a deposit for my 1st wreck of a house when I was 19, several renovation and sales later I have a nice but not excessive 4 bed family home, whereas she has lived off benefits for years and has nothing to show. I have no empathy left for her after she ensured that I would no longer go out of my way to make him visit his girls by claiming that she was sleeping with him every time he visited - I don't believe her BTW but since hes not allowed to see them unless he stays at her house even though his parents live 5 mins away it did make me stop actually organizing it for him.

Yes he is an idiot and thinks the things they said to him last year and the fact the only mention of last yrs Xmas presents (no thanks from the girls not even a txt) was a rant from her that he should have sent a gift not cash and then a comment in her appeal paperwork that he 'only' sent them £100 each, is down to the kids and won't see that HE needs to make the effort to overcome the lies she feeds them.

Yes I hate the fact he hasn't seen or spoken to his youngest for over 1 year and only spoken to the eldest once now shes left home, and it makes me feel sick that I can't get it through his thick skull that if he says they are too young to understand then they are also too young to be held responsible for their reactions to a 1 sided story, and if he hadn't allowed her to stipulate what they could and couldn't know then the situation would be very different now.

But I don't see how me leaving would actually improve anything? Other than I would no longer have to worry about the tribunal deciding to take account of my income and the stress of the CSA overall.

clearingout

I guess what I'm asking is why a parent would willingly want to be in a relationship with another parent who appears to have deliberately set out to abandon their existing children in favour of a new family, partner, more money (or all of the above)....it's not about those who are blocked from seeing their children, for those for whom contact is difficult because of distance,or even those that close their eyes to having to let the CSA know if they change their jobs etc. but those who could have contact and don't or who could pay but don't.

If I came across my ex today knowing what I know now about relationships and how things work (or not!), I just can't imagine I would want to be with him, however attracted I might be to him, if I knew that he was happy to have holidays at the expense of making sure his children had a roof over their heads. My ex's girlfriend was happy with this. She owes me nothing, I understand that, and I equally understand she has her own lifestyle to protect and maintain, but it's willfully standing behind someone whilst seeing children go without that I don't understand!

I hope I have explained that. I certainly didn't set out to offend anyone, it's just one of those things I wonder about. Of course, when I meet someone new and he isn't paying maintenance and I fall for him, perhaps I'll have to have a serious look back and this and wonder...nothing in life is certain, we can't help who we fall for but we can help the difference in reactions between our heads and our hearts, surely?

alwayspuzzled

No personal offense taken, I guess I just feel compelled to explain/justify myself!!!

When we 1st met it was clear his kids meant the world to him. Until the last couple of years he paid many of her bills by DD, replaced anything in the house that wore out (washing machine, carpet, pc etc), gave her 'gifts' of several hundred cash every time he visited (she was on benefits and refused any formal payment), he also bought many many gifts for the girls.

This continued despite the hate campaign conducted by her 2 adult drug riddled 'children'. She told him it would destroy the girls if they knew they had split (they had already lived apart for several years due to him working 500 miles away) and so the lies started. He managed to continue his relationship with the girls throughout the court case and the child protection case down here caused by her children's vicious lies (even social services realized how ridiculous their claims were when they sent a letter claiming I was a crack head addicted to Crystal meth)

When we 1st heard from the CSA and got back a payment schedule we offered to pay triple the assessment because his most recent tax return at the time was for a really bad year. OK she says I'll cancel the CSA, we set up a SO, next thing we know the appeal paperwork lands. CSA and NACSA both advised cancel all DD's, send no more cash and just pay thru CSA in future.

Meanwhile his relationship with the girls became strained (at around this time his eldest left home and wanted to stay with us for a while but her mother told her if she set one foot in our town she would no longer have a mother or sister) and then various happenings caused a termination of all contact. This breaks my heart. Yes if I'd had a crystal ball or the benefit of hindsight 7 yrs ago our relationship would have remained a friendship in fact even 4yrs ago before I was pregnant with our dd I would have ended things if I'd seen how bad it was all going to get. But I didn't and now here we are and I just have to make the best of what we've got for the family we are now.