Help please - don't know what to do about my Dad

mountainofdebt

Blade

Could your dad not be only feeling grief but guilt as well?

If it was you that encouraged your mum to go to the doctors, could he not be feeiling guilty from feeling that as the person who lived with your mum, he should have been the one who encouraged her to go......perhaps he's thinking that if he had made her go earlier, then the outcome might have been different?

Also perhaps he's feeling he should have been there to reassure your mum before she was sedated but wasn't - through choice I know but hightsight is 20:20.

webitha

firstly please accept my heartfelt condolences
and please dont take the following personally

but

you really need to stop for a min about oh poor me, and think of your dad, yes you have lost a parent but he has lost his partner that he choice to spend the rest of his life with, the woman he choose to bear his children,
its hard for him very hard espesh with xmas coming up,
yes you want your dad back and he will in time, but its got to be in his time, it took me at least 12/18 months to start "gettingback" after my OH was killed and we where together nowhere near as long as your mum and dad was, he is not being selfish, he is breaking apart inside,
and unless you have been through it you cannot understand how much of you dies with the other person.
give him time dear heart, and he will come round, but he has to go through it at his own pace
give him time, give him space, give him an ear if he needs it or a shoulder to cry on.
Your lucky enough to get that councilling, use it for your own grief, and you are grieving sweetie which is why it all seems very one sided.

bless you and all your family and i hope that you will come out of this stronger, but be prepared for more tears on xmas day (hey the first one i still set out a plate for him) and raise a toast to your darling mother and again on the first anniversay and her birthday, once those 3 dates have passed, you might find he starts becoming the man you know and love


again poease dont take this as a critisim towards you personally, just an insight from a person who was once in the same place as your dad

meritaten

I am so sorry about your mum. I am also sorry about your dad, you must feel as if you have lost him too and got this stranger in his place! you have had the benefit of counselling and so you recognise your feelings and how to put them in their proper place....Dad doesnt! right now he is in the Angry stage and is blaming everyone. you are getting it in the neck because if it wasnt for you mum wouldnt have been in hospital and got sepsis but at the same time the bowel cancer may have taken its course, but of course he isnt thinking that way is he? he may feel totally alone in his grief and feel no-one understands and worse than that perhaps even HE doesnt understand himself! He may well be hating the person he sees in the mirror (hence the drunken rambles about suicide - he may well be feeling that way when he is sober but wouldnt dream of saying it). His wifes death has hit him hard and you really cannot know how he feels.
perhaps the memorial weekend was too much for him to cope with..........or perhaps he felt that he hadnt been consulted enough over the arrangements.......or perhaps he just couldnt cope with all those people alive and well when he desperately wanted his wife to be alive and well too????????????? I know its hard when peoples behaviour is so challenging but, maybe a bit of patience and TLC and just BEING there for him will help bring him around.

I try not to be sexist but men really do have a problem about counselling - right now he cannot see what good talking about himself will do, when nothing will put right the REAL problem and that is the loss of his wife! maybe a gentle hint that your mum wouldnt approve of him drinking so much or hitting a child may start him thinking that he really needs to do something even if it isnt counselling........perhaps he could use his anger in more constructive ways, such as raising funds for bowel cancer patients in the area or research into sepsis?
I hope that with time and patience you will get your dad back - my heart goes out to you it really does!
best wishes
merit

Blanc

I am so sorry to hear of your pain and your fathers. Death is such a traumatic time for everyone, and everyone deals with it in their own way. You by getting help, your father by not. Time is a great healer but unfortunately "time" is different for everyone. You need to get and continue with curse and get the help you need to cope with the passing of your beloved mum and when you are able to support and help your father. He is still your dad and he needs his time to grieve and accept that your mum is gone. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.

Blade26

Its only because I love him so much that I have posted, the suicide
threats, drinking, physically hurting my nephew, the nasty words etc etc are so out of character that thinking about it all is upsetting me hugely.

Sorry of I am coming across as wo is me, I am greiving too and have lost my Mum but I do understand the love for children is different from the love of a partner the person we chose to spend our lives with. I guess I just have to tolerate what is happening, speak to my counsellor and see what she recommends.

Thanks all

RadoJo

I agree with what others have posted - people handle things in different ways anyway, but grieving for a mother is different to grieving for a partner. Your Dad may not be handling it well, but I think you have to just accept that the dad you have had your whole life is in there, but (probably for the first time since you've known him) he is totally wrapped up in himself and isn't really able to be a Dad to you at the moment.

Fortunately, it sounds as though you are in a loving relationship where you can seek refuge from someone who is able to support you in your grief, but your Dad doesn't have the person he chose to be with him and as much as he loves you it sounds as though he just isn't able to see past the hurt and anger at the moment. It's a shame that he is lashing out, but if you can control how you react to it, then you should be able to maintain a relationship with him when he needs it. Grief is no different to anything which affects our mental health, so if you try to think about his anger as a symptom of the turmoil in his head and heart rather than personal attacks it might make it easier to accept.

I hope that you can stay strong enough to help your father through his grief and I'm very sorry for your loss and that of your family.

mountainofdebt

the other thing to remember is that whilst our generation wouldn't see any shame in seeing a counsellor, your dad's generation probably would and so the thought of a) you seeing one and b) him seeing one (however benefical it would be!) is totally alien.

I know someone who lost her sister nearly three years ago and whilst she has found conselling to be beneficial, her mum still isn't coping very well - part we think in the fact that she wouldn't contempate seeing one.

GobbledyGook

Sorry about your Mum.

Your sister, not you though as it's her place, is quite right to speak to him about hurting your nephew. That is not on and your sister is quite correct to put him in his place regarding that. She needs to decide what she wants to do, if she wants an apology that what she should say, if she just wants to make clear it's unacceptable and if it happens again x or y will be the consequence then she should make that clear to him.

Other than that then you need to stop trying to fix your Dad. People grieve in different ways and it takes them different times to get through it. Just because you are ready to face things and deal with life doesn't mean that everyone else should be too. Think back to the very worst days - can you imagine how angry and resentful you would have been if someone had tried to tell you how to deal with it, if they had tried to tell you it was about time you'd done x, y or z?

Your father has no right to physically hurt your nephew. However, he is a grown man and he has the right to grieve for his wife in whichever way he wants. You do not have to like it, but it is his right.

When we love people we want to make them better, we want to take away their pain and sometimes we're all guilty of trying to fix them when they are not yet ready to be fixed.