Help please - don't know what to do about my Dad

Blade26

I could do with emptying all the thoughts I have in my head, and to see if how I am feeling is normal!

My Mum died in February this year following an operation on bowel cancer which was only discovered on 15 January, she got sepsis and her body slowly poisoned itself and she passed on 7 February at 10.37am with myself, my 3 sisters and my Dad at her bedside.

I am seeing a counsellor at CRUSE which I am finding cathartic in so many ways. We each got chance to say goodbye to Mum which I am sure some people would say that we were lucky, but I dont feel that way, I feel cheated of the years that Mum should have still been here, cheated that she wont be involved in my wedding (June next year), wont be there to tell me how proud she is of me, or how beautiful I look, cheated that any children I have will not have a mad Grandma like my nephews have had.

My Dad is burying his head in the sand, and is doing my head in. I know grief is a very personal thing, but he is so insensitive and cruel that I sometimes (forgive me) wish it had been him. He feels that he is the only one who is devastated by mum's death, keeps going on about his own feelings of loss but never ever asks me or my sister's if we are OK. He is drinking lots, is totally self centred and has no sense of empathy towards anyone else. He never rings any of us, expecting us to do the running and the straw that has finally snapped is this weekend.

It should have been Mum's birthday, so we arranged a family weekend away where Mum was born and planted a tree in her memory etc, it was lovely. But because everyone was chatting about memories of Mum which was lovely for us to hear Dad just sat there. Thinking he was finding it hard, my Sister spoke to him and he just said he wasnt speaking to anyone because we had taken over and he couldnt get a word in. That night we set off some sky lanterns and had a drink to Mum, Dad got absolutely hammered and one of my Sisters and I had to put him to bed, where he started to rant at us and tell us that he wanted to commit suicide as he missed Mum so much. My sister and I were obviously devastated by this, and tried to talk to him the following morning but he made clear he didnt want to talk about it. I am very worried about him, but also furious with him for being such a selfish man.

He has waited until I went to see CRUSE before agreeing that he could maybe do with speaking to someone, but that's all he has said, if someone doesn't arrange it for him he won't do it. I am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells around him, but dont want to say anything that cant be unsaid and create a big argument, but I can't go on with this feeling of absolute derision towards him. Help please before I go mad, I have my next CRUSE appointment on Wednesday - have a feeling I need it.

Sorry for the rant!

Blade26

turn3r

Just read your comments and wanted to say Hang in there! My father died very shortly after being diagnosed with Bowel cancer (within 3 months), my sisters and I were in shock but my mum's world was completely destroyed! You loved your mum, but she was your dad's life partner. He had no time to get used to the fact she was leaving and I know she was your mother but it will affect him in ways you can never imagine. He wont mean to upset you but he wont be thinking straight. I found it hard as I felt that I had become a parent to my mum! But I began understanding her when she said that she felt that half of her was gone! The drinking is his way of blocking out the loss and the hurt he is feeling! I hope this post doesn't upset you, i just wanted to share what happened to me!
Big hugs xx

belfastgirl23

I think a lot of what you're feeling is also grief and it's coming out as anger at your dad. Have been lucky enough not to have had to deal with something like this myself but I just wanted to say that it might help you to think of your anger as part of your grieving process as well? And it's very hard to see someone you love in distress and you're perhaps converting some of that to anger too. Anger is really a natural part of grieving and you should probably try to see it as such.

He will need to go through his own grieving process and you can't really change anything about this, all you can do is try to 'manage' your own feelings about him. Can you see if someone else in your family (or even maybe your husband) could make his appointment at Relate?

I hope things settle down for you soon and just wanted to also say how sorry I am for your loss.

Errata

First of all, it must be hard for you and Cruse is a great help. You say you feel cheated, and perhaps you're angry about that - that's pretty normal. But your dad has also been cheated and perhaps he feels very angry about that, doesn't know which way to turn and is lashing out at everyone.
He can't walk in your shoes, you can't walk in his. You have your OH to help you through this sad time, your dad no longer has an OH to help him. Why not talk to your counsellor about how you can acknowledge your dad's feelings in an open and honest way? Doesn't he deserve that, and isn't that what your mum would want? HTH

Blade26

Thanks for the replies, I think Turn3r has hit it on the head, its almost like role reversal, but all I want is my Dad back. I know that he is bereft by the loss, but he's not helping himself because all he is doing is alienating himself from us all. It's got to the point now that I dont know what to say to him, I wouldnt say that I had a great relationship with him before all this, but he's the only parent I have now, and I want to make things work, but it takes 2.

I will speak to my counsellor about how to be more honest about how I am feeling about his behaviour and the way he acts, he has to accept that Mum isnt coming back as much as we would all give everything for that to happen. Mum would want us to help him, but you can't help someone who doesnt want to help themselves.

julie03

my mum alienated herself for at least a year after my dad died, none of us got time to grieve we had to look after her as she had a row with my dad the night before and she had incredible guilt to deal with as well, it takes time, my mum started to come back to us about a year after.

nickyhutch

Blade26 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I think Turn3r has hit it on the head, its almost like role reversal, but all I want is my Dad back. I know that he is bereft by the loss, but he's not helping himself because all he is doing is alienating himself from us all. It's got to the point now that I dont know what to say to him, I wouldnt say that I had a great relationship with him before all this, but he's the only parent I have now, and I want to make things work, but it takes 2.

Sorry to be blunt, but you'll have to wait I'm afraid. Your Dad has lost his soulmate, his partner, and with very little time to reconcile himself to the idea beforehand. Please be kind and patient with him.

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

Jemima5317

I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart. I'm not sure I can help exactly, but I would like to say a couple of things. When my grandma died, my Mum apparently turned round to Grandpa and said "I know how you feel" and he turned round, hurt to the bone, and said "no you don't" - and Mum now accepts that she didn't. Grandma was the Mum she got, but she was the woman Grandpa chose, the woman he lived with for over fifty years, raised children with, retired with... and now, for me, watching my brother and his darling wife with their beautiful daughter - being privileged enough to see their pride in creating something so perfect, but also their fear about doing it right, doing the best they can, you learn just how forged in fire a marriage can be, and just how much two people can go through - your Mum and Dad were probably the same as everyone with a good marriage, they had to work hard to make it a good marriage, and that was probably harder than you or your sisters ever knew sometimes (the mark of blooming good parents!). As someone very wise above pointed out, your grief is yours, and your Dad's is his - you can't know his pain, just as he can't know yours. I'm so sorry for all of you, but please bear with him. This will be an awful time for all of you, and things WILL get better in time, but for all that's true, I've never known it get more palatable to hear. Stick with it, and stick with your counselling. Cut your Dad some slack, and sometimes, when he is getting on your nerves, cut yourself some slack too - you're also grieving. But please bear in mind, when you say "I want my Dad back", right now, he is probably right out of strength to be the big strong Daddy that protected his girls, coz it probably feels to him like his world's been ripped apart, and there comes a point, as horrible as it is, when we all have to face up to being grown ups and knowing that our parents can't make it all OK for us any more. I'm so so sorry for your loss honey, and wish you all the best.

Jx

JustBe_2

You say that "he has to accept it"

I feel that this is something he has to do in his own time.

I`m really truly sorry about your mum.

JustBe

nickyhutch

Jemima, what a well-thought out post. Absolutely spot on.

Blade26

When I say I want my Dad back, I dont mean to make things better because he can't and I am accepting of that, but to be the a person who I want to spend time with rather than the nasty man he is being at the moment. My sister has just told me tonight that ahe saw him punch one of my nephews in the back at the weekend as he was chattering on about something and wouldnt shut up, I am sorry but that is not right, he's only 13. This is what I mean about walking on eggshells, why should my sister not say something to him about how inappropriate it was, its the fear of upsetting him further.

My counselling is helping, and I will continue to go until I feel that I am at a point where I don't need that outlet anymore. Alot of my continuing grief is centred around Dad and the guilt I do feel about alot of what happened before Mum died, such as it was me that encouraged her to go to the Drs and that ultimately led to her being admitted to hospital from where she never came home, and I know because he has said it that he blames me for her going into hospital, I was also the last person Mum spoke to before she was sedated and she said she was scared, Dad is devastated that he wasnt the last one to speak to her, but he decided not to speak to her before she was sedated, I guess if he has known the ultimate outcome his decision would have been different.

Its all so messed up and I fear wont be recoverable