HELP - splitting up, not married but have daughter

YummyMummy_5

hi, can anyone help? I am about to split up from my boyfriend, we have a 3 year old daughter. I work 3 days a week earning £1000 a month, £550 of that pays for nursery, then I pay for my car, fuel, food shopping, a loan that I had years ago, my daughter's things, swimming lessons etc, gym membership - so I am left with about £10 a week! He hardly ever gives me money, and has found my bank statement and went berserk because I am overdrawn more than I told him I was..I was scared to tell him - now he has told me that I should start looking for somewhere else to live as thats it. We have always argued about money - he is obsessed with it. Has a fab flat we live in, (bought before me or baby!), drives top of the range BMW, and pays the household bills and thats it - no compromise on his life at all.
Can anyone help? What would I/my daughter be entitled to? I can't afford to go and rent somewhere - as I have no money now I work part time - HELP x

tanith

Hiya, sorry to hear your news (((((hugs))) there will lots of help and advice along shortly I am sure, this is the right place to ask.. I guess the CAB would be the most useful to you as a first stop I beleive they have a website with lots of FAQ might be a place to take a look while you wait for all the informed people hereabouts to get weaving.....

good luck

frankiegirl

Sorry to hear of your news, if you were a single parent you would get help with the rent and be entitled to working tax credit and child tax credit and they will also help pay towards your child care.

Good luck.

abbecer

Good luck with the money issues. Have to say though it sounds as if you will be better off without him. As a parent you should learn to be selfless and it doesn't sound like he thinks of anyone but himself. Hugs for the future.

Rebecca x

YummyMummy_5

it doesn't help that he thinks I am a compulsive liar as I have hidden some bills from him (parking tickets that got out of hand, and my bank statement) - he is not the easiest person to talk to. Just cannot bear the fact that I will be a single parent and feel so guilty because I will have let my daugher down

hobo28

Hi there

Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately its you and your daughter who will end up coming off worst in any split. He holds most of the cards.

Technically he should pay you 15% of his net salary each month towards child maintenance but he can deduct off regular nights he has your daughter for. Ie. 1/7th for each regular night. That said, from what you describe I doubt he will do so willingly and the CSA are as much use as a chocolate teapot so I wouldn't bank on seeing that money anytime soon.

Since your unmarried and the flat is in his sole name since he got it before you met, you are not entitled to any part of that unless you have contributed to bills/mortgage etc. Again it doesn't sound like the case.

As others have mentioned you should be able to get tax credits to help towards the cost of the nursery. I think from memory it was 2/3rd's but it was a while back so my memory fails me. If your employer also does those nursery voucher things then that will also save you money.

To be honest, I'm not sure even with all that you and your daughter will be able to carry on with the lifestyle you currently enjoy. Being a single parent is hard and involves a lot of change. It can work well though.

Is there any chance of maybe going to counselling with him or maybe a trusted friend/family member who can talk some sense into him? It would be a crying shame to split up over money.

Personally I think since you both work, he should contribute towards the childcare. £550 a month is a hell of a lot of money for you to shoulder on your own. Your daughter is as much yours as she is his.

YummyMummy wrote:

it doesn't help that he thinks I am a compulsive liar as I have hidden some bills from him (parking tickets that got out of hand, and my bank statement) - he is not the easiest person to talk to. Just cannot bear the fact that I will be a single parent and feel so guilty because I will have let my daugher down

Sorry, just seen this bit. I think you both need to talk and find a compromise. You need to start managing your money like an adult. Stop sticking your head in the sand. Hiding bank statements and letting parking tickets get out of hand doesn't help anyone. I can see why he gets frustrated which makes you want to tell him even less. He needs to accept he has a family now and your problems are his problems too.

Playing devils advocate for a moment, he'll be saying he works hard etc. to earn money for his family, enjoy the finer things in life and balance the books whilst you are just wasting it all. I can see his point but then the finances are all stacked in his favour at the moment so he needs to recognise that fact.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Jet

It sounds like he's a bit controlling. Not letting you have any access to his life - he's made sure you can have no claim on the home you live in, but he leaves you to financially support his child. Hmmmm.

It sounds like he's having a nice life but you're expected to struggle and when you don't get it "right", he throws you out!

Cheek. Sounds like you will be better off on your own.

Is he also telling you that you won't be able to survive without him?

YummyMummy_5

he thinks I will be nothing without him - doesn't do a lot for the old self esteem...

frankiegirl

YummyMummy wrote:

he thinks I will be nothing without him - doesn't do a lot for the old self esteem...

:mad: dont let that get you down! you are worth far more than that! Think of yourself as a Phoneix rising from the ashes and you will be better and stronger without him!!

jellycat40

I think that you need to talk to a solicitor. Find one with the half hour free scheme for domestic breakdown.

I think your OH is obliged to keep the roof over your child's head so I don't think it is as easy as you have no claim on the property. Now you have a child I think that has changed a bit. Also if you have kept house for him then you can be declared to have contributed to the property in this way. As I say having been in a similar situation (I still live in OH house now with my new partner) you need a solicitor to tell you exactly what rights you have.

Also start to apply for Child Tax Credit and if you can get it Working Family Tax Credit although if you clear £1k amonth a doubt you will qualify. However you will get help with childcare with tax credits. You should do this anyway as even with your partner you may be able to get some help.

It is a bit arbitary to say 15% of your partners wages should go to your maintenance, if he is well off he may be able to afford more and as he has raised an expectation in your childs eyes of a standard of living then you may well be entitled to more. i was. However my ex currently pays with no problem. Now he has another child with his new partner that may change but right now he has agreed to 20% until Jan 2007. The CSA will work out 15% of his net and then make deductions so don't go there unless you have to they don't produce results anyway and usually just get the OH hackles well and truly up!

Good luck, take it one step at a time, don't try to look at the whole picture or you will go mad, and don't project forward in time as none of us can see the future. Just know that this too will pass in time.

Louise

YummyMummy_5

how on earth did you manage? I just feel so crap that I have let my daughter down and she will grow up coming from a broken home - and she is only 3..thats what hurts the most...:(