Doing it alone (well with a little help).

iwantahome

Has anyone else taken the step of moving in with their parents to clear their debt and/or save up for a house/flat deposit?

How do you cope with your loss of freedom?

I am currently debating with myself about skipping the house deposit and security of owning my own place for a life of renting and paying someone else's mortgage simply to gain some sense of freedom back at a quicker rate than saving for a mortgage deposit.

I do have what people would consider a lot of freedom while living here, but it doesn't feel the same as living alone or with a partner. Feels like a step back, after more than 10 years of living out of the parental home.

Well no moves can be made until I finish clearing my debts and save for either a bond and furniture or a deposit, fees and furniture as I am not getting back into debt for this. My next debt if I decide to take it on will be a mortgage (this is consider acceptable debt).

(oh and my parents are wonderful for putting me up rent free, but they do drive me insane).

So I guess this is a thread about survival. Surviving the parents and shame of moving back "home".

Tete_en_l'Air

Hello IWAH - I saw this and have briefly looked at your other thread, and I'm in the exact same position. Moved out at 18 to go to uni, moved back in with Dad at 25 because I couldn't find any decent jobs where I'd been living. Got myself back on my feet - paid off debt, got a decent job, learned to drive and bought a car, all within 8 months.

Then met my boyfriend, and continued living with Dad for 2 1/2 years whilst we decided we were committed and wanted to move in together and found a house. Moved in together and three months later he ends it (two weeks ago) and I find myself back to square one - back in my bedroom which I've only so recently left and with no idea what to do.

I'm totally depressed to be living with Dad again at almost 29 - it wasn't so bad before as the plan was always to move in with the ex. Now I'm torn about what to do. I could move out into a rented flat on my own and just about afford it on my wages. Or as you say, stay here and save and save and save. The thing is, 'our' plan had always been to rent so we were free to move to Australia in a year or two ... so I feel as though getting a mortgage is so tying, even though moving to Oz is obviously not an option now.

I'm probably not making much sense but just wanted to say hi, as I understand what you're going through, and am pleased (in the nicest possible way) to find someone in the same boat as me really. I've been looking at various 'heartbreak' threads on here since the break up but most of them involve being left with a house they own, or with children, whereas I feel the last three years might as well not have happened - I've just rewound to 2007, but am three years older

iwantahome

Hi tete,

I think our experiences are remarkably similar. Its rubbish being left with nothing, I just wish I'd insisted on my name on the mortgage too, instead of just one name (but was persuaded not to at the time). Even tho a break up would have been harder with a flat to sell, at least I'd have ended up with something instead of just debt. There was quite a bit of equity in the flat due to the "boom", and the crash didnt wipe out enough of the value for their to be no equity or negative equity.

I too keep reading other people's situation but can't quite relate to a lot of them, as I don't have kids or a flat/house i've been left with. Maybe that really makes our situation easier as we only have to look out for ourselves, and don't actually have to sell a property to get clear separation. But somehow it doesn't feel like it, it feels like the split was completely favouring the other side to me. And having to move back with parents feels like i've regressed 11 years back to being a teenager again. It is embarrassing when all my friends and colleagues have their own places rented or owned and i'm looking a bit pathetic on the outside.

Pro's and cons. Everything has pro's and con's. Just keep thinking about all the hard work we are putting in now making a massive difference to the rest of our lives later on. Not having a mortgage with huge CC debt/loans etc. Just a student loan, a mortgage (which will be overpaid at every opportunity) and utility bills.

Just need to find 20k now. Hmmmmmm, not under my bed, not under the rock in the garden, not hanging off the trees, where is it??????

scubaangel

Hi IWAH,

I was in a similar position to you a few years ago, moved from work accommodation back to my Dad when I left the job with the intention of moving in with my then boyfriend fairly soon after - we split a couple of months after I moved home thankfully before we committed to a house together, and it was only this summer than I moved out again, almost 4 years later.

But I've moved in to lodgings as my boyfriend who I plan to move in with next year is military and works 300 miles from where I lived and worked, so I came to him. It was terrifying giving up the safety net of 'daddys house' where although I paid housekeeping if for whatever reason I hadn't had enough work to pay him I could put it off to somewhere that I have no choice but to pay regardless (and given I moved before I found work that was utterly petrifying).

iwantahome

Scuba,

You are proof to us all that there is life after daddy's house! Silver linings, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and everything else.

Although i've had a few dates since moving here, i am not looking for any relationship more than that until i've vacated this house and stepped out independently. Right now that is the most important aspect of my situation and I need to focus on rectifying it. And spending lots of money on a new relationship (we all do it) may just set me back in the long run. Well if something comes along unexpectedly I wont turn it away completely, but I'm not going to avidly look for anything myself. Think i'm going to have a lurk around rightmove for a bit and dream while I avoid ITV tonight.

Tete_en_l'Air

Avoiding ITV is no problem here ... I chucked my old telly when we moved in together as it wasn't needed and am now using a snowy Amstrad with no remote control, balanced on a dining chair in the corner - it doesn't get ITV - oh woe is me eh?!

You're right about the embarrassment factor - I'm cringing when I see the neighbours and know they must be thinking 'she only left a few weeks ago - that didn't last long'.

Scuba you do offer hope but at the moment all I can think is the timing. Does anyone remember the episode of Friends where Rachel turns 30 and starts panicking because she wants kids by a certain age and counts backwards and realises she needs have already met their father for it to happen? I feel a bit like that. 29 in February, it's going to take me at least a year to get over this, how long will it take me to find someone new ... then know they're the one ... get married etc etc God sorry, I'm depressing myself!

scubaangel

Honestly I still kick myself for falling for another mil guy....he was (and still is) a bloody expensive hobby when we first got together but looking back worth every penny (or at least most of them, lol) even the £150 I spent on his return train ticket from London to Manchester a few months after we got together because he couldn't afford to do anything while he was on leave.

I was absolutely adamant that I didn't want another relationship for a good couple of years, then met the boy almost exactly 12 months after I split with the ex, and it was a few months before I was sure I was ready to be with someone on more than a casual basis, for me at least I suspect I'd not have made that realisation if he'd been someone in my home town as it meant I still had the space to sort me and my life out without having to deal with the expense of dates etc - most of the time he came north and was too knackered after driving to do anything except on the Saturdays, I think we built virtually our entire relationship out on the moors or reservoirs walking the family dog.


I doubt there's any real prospect of us buying a home until he leaves the military and we've had more disagreements than I care to think about over rent being a waste of money etc but now I'm here I think he's realised that living out of camp means he can have so much more of a life than he does now - and tbh I feel very much that living away again I've got back my life, which is very weird given Dad did let me live the way I wanted while I was there.....I think it was the spotty dog who was more restrictive of my lifestyle than my dad!

Now my plan is clear the last bits of my cc debt, and start saving for things for 'our' new home, and long term start saving for a house deposit, somewhere along the way I want to find my career, as thats one thing I've still not managed...my excuse - I'll worry about it when I grow up!

Tete I know exactly how you feel, my neighbours knew I was coming home for a few months, and the constantly being asked when my oh would be home (he was forces too and on deployment at the time) and we'd be getting our house got really depressing, but once they know, they know iygwim? I found some of the strangest people were the most supportive. As for timing, I guess I'm still young enough not to have that clock ticking in my head but can understand how bloody scary it is.

iwantahome

morning! Had a lovely early night last night and feel all fresh this morning. One of the perks of living here just burst through my bedroom door (my dad burst in to wake me up carrying a bacon and egg sandwich and cup of coffee) no matter how much I moan its not all bad.

My parents are the most liberal parents anyone could have, and give me all the freedom I want. I just resent being asked where i've been etc. Well its not even that, its the teenager in me screaming "I didnt get bombared with all of these trivial questions when i lived away". I'm not really a teenager, but a little bit of kevin and perry still resides in my soul.

I think for me even though I have freedom here, probably as much as if I had my own place its the "stepping backwards" that hurts more than anything. Having my own place will just end all of that. Its not the neighbours that get me, its the rest of my family and my friends and colleagues seeing that I cant afford my own place that gets me. Even though I know deep down a lot of them are probably thinking that i'm doing a positive thing, i still feel their eyes burning pity and shame on me.

Also I want to live in a house/flat that contains furniture and decor to my taste not my parents, have friends round for drinks if I want, be able to use the washing machine when i want, and not be nagged about how long i spend in the shower (its far less time than they do but they still nag), and skip dinner if i want to skip dinner (having a choice on dinner would be amazing) lots of little things will be what makes the difference.

Souk08

Hi lovelies, just found this and wanted to say hi and also to say that it REALLY doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You need to do what's right for you. I totally know what you mean about steps backwards but sometimes we all have to do that to go forwards. I lived with a guy for only 2 and a half months too and when he left I have scrimped and struggled to keep this (rented) place on on my own. It hasn't been easy but nearly 3 years on I can finally really afford to have my place and live the life that I want.
For me I will never be able to buy without saving so much that I couldn't afford a life and I choose to have a great social life so i will always rent and I'm fine with that. NO point for me in buying a nice place and having no one to visit me but each to their own.

I wish you well with whatever you decide and XXX

scubaangel

That sarnie and coffee sound lovely, pity I don't have time to go get one myself before work!
I spent alot of time worrying about people pitying me for having had to go home, eventually though you'll just think sod it - I'll bet you're in a better position financially than most of them when you do move out again and probably with a much more realistic view of what you want/can afford.

iwantahome

Hi Souk

I know exactly what you mean, about the buying thing. I am constantly in two minds about buying/renting. Its a choice of renting from a bank for 25 years then having no rent to pay in my retirement, or renting all the time. The first one has the bonus of not having to pay rent when i'm scrimping on a pension, but the second one means I could be out living life in the next 6 months (after saving for furniture and a buffer fund to keep in the bank). the downsides being: with the first option any mishaps or things breaking down i'd have to pay to fix myself, and i wouldnt be able to move around as easily or often, and with the second one dodgy landlords and never really feeling like the place is mine.

If I lived in London, or lived in another country I know I wouldnt have this dilemma as there would only be one sensible option, to rent. But i don't and am constantly nagged by my parents to NEVER RENT and to buy at whatever cost. I guess that because they arent in my position and just see what they want for themselves and want that to rub off on me. I quite like the idea of living in a nice newbuild flat/small house near the centre of town, but will need a huge mortgage (huge in my head and with regard to sucking up some of my spare "going out" cash). I could however rent somewhere like that for around 550-600 pcm and not need a 20k deposit. Buuuuuuuuut it wouldnt be mine! hmmmmmmmm????

I have a fridge washing machine and freezer stored at my parents that my dad was given from someone at work (practically brand new) and he has specifically told me that if I rent somewhere then I am not allowed them. (I think he's just trying to be macho here though and will give me them really, well after a few "awwwwww but daddyyyyyyyy pleeeeeeeease" moments.

I reckon wait the winter out with the cold weather and coming home to cooked meals, and then see what the spring comes up with when a bit of savings have been acquired.

(pets will be out of the question renting however, booooooo!)


Scuba, I am in an unbelievable position financially compared with anyone else I know. I do get comments of how people think what i'm doing is very lucky and they would love to do it, but they couldnt cope with their parents lol. Talk about a double edge sword. They do own their own homes however (well rent them from the bank), but with CC debt, loans, HP on cars and all of that too. i'd like the house but definately not the extra debt.