Could do with some advice please.

ssedd

This may be long so sorry.

I dont know if anyone can really help me out with this but it is going to help me just to get things out.

I am married and have been with my wife for fifteen years, we have two young children of primary school age.
We have had problems in the past with debts and my wife having depression after having the children but have managed to work through things.
A few weeks ago we were having a bad time with me coming home from work to find her drinking at home when she was looking after the children; after lots of argument etc I threatened to move out if I found her drinking again when she was looking after the kids. She did so I moved out to my mums for a night hoping the shock might make her see sense. I went back home the next evening and she had been drinking again although wasnt drunk. After a long difficult chat I found out that she had run up debts on cards etc and she hadnt told me as she has done this a couple of times before.
I obviously wasnt happy but hoped that this being out in the open would stop her drinking. I have paid her overdue bills on the credit cards and things seemed to have gone back ok.
I got a phone call in work yesterday from my mother in law and my daughter had rang her to say that mum was in the bath and she couldnt wake her up I rushed home thinking she was ill or something and found her asleep drunk in the bath. To say I wasnt pleased would be a bit of an understatement but I thought we had sorted things out before i went to work today but when I got in again tonight she was again drunk asleep in the bath.

She wont tell me why she is drinking, she says she hasnt got a drink problem but wont explain to me what the poblem is. I dont know how to stop her drinking; because of her credit card debts I have taken her cards off her so she has only her bank card and to be honest I dont know where she is getting the money from for the drink as she dosent work.
I have arranged to drop the kids off at school in the morning and my mother in law has said she will pick them up from school so I know they are safe.
I work full time so cant drop the kids at school and pick them up and I dont feel I can now trust my wife to safely look after the kids so dont really know where to turn.

Jen151

Hi sorry to hear about your situation. just a guess but it sounds like your wife's over spending is a result of something else she's unhappy about in her life... her drinking could be linked to the same thing? There is someone very close in my family with a drink problem, and i would advise you to get professional advice and help with people who have experience in dealing with these things. Al-Anon are fantastic they are a support group for people who's life is being affected by someone elses drinking. They will happily talk to you over the phone and give you some advice on where to begin. They are really very good give them a call x

Edit to say - they have a website too if you want to google them

ssedd

Thanks, I have thought of calling them or getting in touch but the issue is that my wife wont say that she has a drink problem although it is clear that she does. If she wont admit to having a problem Im not really sure of what help they would be to me.

ssedd

About her being unhappy, I know she has gotten depressed with being at home with the children and not working. The problem is that she says she wants a job but then when she has managed to get a part time job that fits in with the kids schooling she dosent stick with it and quits.
I thought that when our youngest went to school she would be happier but if anything she seems to have started drinking more now she has more time of her own.
I have tried to ask here why she is drinking and if she has any problems that I dont know about but she says nothing is wrong.

Nostalgia_and_I

You really need to get her to admit she has got a problem. I grew up with an alcoholic father and he never admitted his problem. He died when I was 12, I believe if he had got help he might still be here now.
Has her mum tried talking to her about it?

GobbledyGook

Could it be her depression again? Can you go with her to your GP?

It maybe sounds crazy, but when my daughter started school I felt worse. I felt redundant (even though I had another child). Depression is a crazy, evil and sneaky thing and when it possesses you then you sometimes don't even know it.

Logically she might feel that once the children are in school she can get a job, but it may actually have given the time for her depression to really bite. Before she HAD to function because she had the child(ren) full time in the day, now she's got time to think.

You can't stop her drinking. Only she can do that, but perhaps you can help her find out what is getting her to that point.

ssedd

I have tried asking her to go to the doctors but she isnt interested. I also think it may be related to her depression but have asked her and she says she isnt depressed. She wont say that she has a drink problem also although she clearly has, the problem I have is that if she wont go for help I have no way of making her.
I havnt slept much tonight as i have too many things going on in my head at the moment. I can only think of asking her to move out of the house if she wont go for help but dont really want to go down that path as it may make things worse with her, at the same time i dont want her drinking in the house in front of the kids.

kafkathecat

Al Anon will help you even if she doesn't recognise that she has a problem. They support the families of people who drink.

Mojisola

ssedd wrote: »

I have tried asking her to go to the doctors but she isnt interested. I also think it may be related to her depression but have asked her and she says she isnt depressed. She wont say that she has a drink problem also although she clearly has, the problem I have is that if she wont go for help I have no way of making her.
I havnt slept much tonight as i have too many things going on in my head at the moment. I can only think of asking her to move out of the house if she wont go for help but dont really want to go down that path as it may make things worse with her, at the same time i dont want her drinking in the house in front of the kids.

This is a really difficult situation. While she won't accept that she has a problem, it's almost impossible to make progress. Do contact Al Anon - there will be people there who have been where you are now.

SandC

Agree with everyone else, if she won't accept she has a problem right now then you need to keep talking to her, keep a very close eye on her, be as supportive as you possibly can in light of very irratic behaviour.

One thing, please do stress to her that it is incredibly dangerous to take baths whilst under the influence of drink. I know you or anybody else can't be around at all times but right now it seems a bit of a habit for her to drink then go get in the bath. The obvious is that one could become drowsy, fall asleep and drown. The less obvious is that alcohol causes the body's temperature to rise, as does the heat of the bath, the blood vessels expand and the combination of the two could result in heart attack or stroke.

travelgran

For the sake of your children, please be very careful. Knowing that she drinks heavily, leaving the children in her sole care is dangerous and if an accident happened you would be considered also to blame. I'm glad you have your MIL to collect them from school and I hope look after them till you come home. The safety of the children has to be your first priority.
Sorry that doesn't help you with her drinking but I'm afraid it's true.
Good luck.