financially trapped in relationship

kez1_2

hope this is an appropriate board to poat on, really have to get this off my chest so please excuse me if i go on!


the title of the thread says it all really.

i really cant see a way out.i dont earn much although i do work full time,

i think i might be able to get a small motgage but actually buying a little place means i would need my partner to buy me out at more than a 50/50 split which is doubtful.we are both on mortgage, but he wouldnt move out which is why i would have to.we have just 1 child.

i would get tax dredits for the next 4/5 years which would possibly make living possible but then what?i have done the maths so many times and even if i were to switch any mortgage to interest only at this point there ingoings/out goings still dont meet up. and my figures dont even take in2 account the cost of living going up.

am feeling so trapped that its starting to make me feel ill.the cracks are really starting to show and i'm finding it hard to hold it together, am even finding it hard to type as my eyes are so teary that the keyboard is blurred!

have tried & tried. oh wont go for counsilling etc even though i have begged.he sees nothing wrong and to all who dont know the truth we are the golden couple.


i'm resigning myself to the fact that this is as good as it gets for me.

i have no family to help me and i just cant see things getting any better.

shykins

i feel for u as i was in the same position.... if u were to rent it is likely you would get help through housing benefit and council tax benefit.. once you have your financial settlement you could then reconsider whether you could afford to buy

this is basically what i did, i rented, leaving my ex in our house until i could afford to buy once the settlement had been agreed and the old house sold

HTH
good luck x

victory

my brother went through exactly this but he offered my sister in law a higer percentage of the house they sold so she would pay less mortgage each month and him higher. He got a 100% mortgage out and basically started again with a 2 year interest only re-payment so within that two years, he had a house that he had bought, not paying anything on it bar interest and had time to sort himself out financially.
He went to CAB to be advised, got in a family mediator, had everything agree and signed so that it could not been gone back on.
Also look into asking a IFA exactly where you stand financially.
Best wishes x

kit

((( hug ))) I know what this feels like.

I worried about it for ages but in the end just had enough and left. I moved in to rented (if you are on a low income you should be able to get housing and council tax benefit). I stayed in rented for a few years (my ex wouldnt agree to anything I wanted so it took ages to sort) and I have finally just bought a house using the settlement money and a 30 year mortgage.

It can be done as long as you dont mind being broke for a while.

Good luck.

JillD_2

I really feel for you, its so hard and even harder if there is a child to consider as well.

I walked from a relationshio about 9 years ago, and left half a house and started again.

I rented for about a year and then to my horror my landlady chucked me out and I had a month to sort something else out. I decided to try and get a house rather than throw more money away on rent. I took out a 100% mortgage with Northern Rock which also allowed a personal loan of more money at the same interest rate as the mortgage and I was allowed to put solicitors fees on that so I could buy the house without spending any cash. It was very hard to get a house that I could afford but I was in a strong position as I had no house to sell.

I had already signed over my half of my previous house to my ex. I could have fought for half of any equity but decided for an easy life to not fight so there was more chance we could divorce smoothly. I did get to keep most of the furniture. Between moving out of rented and moving into the new house I bought, I had to stay with a friend for a month or two and that was hard.

Are you able to change your working circumstances to a better paid job ? Or move to an area where houses are cheaper ?

Would he buy you out at 50/50? Wqould he pay any maintenance for your child and would that money tip the balance ?

You are being very brave and stgroing even writing this down and considering moving out. You must be a strong person.
Jill

Horasio

I am sorry to hear you feel the relationship can't go any further. I must admit I feel the same way most of the time. My husband seems to think I blame him for things I don't, yet won't do anything about any of his actual faults, rather than ones he think I blame him for, if that makes sense. He makes no sense to me at all(???). He won't face his weaknesses that are basically eroding our marriage. I have spent years having counselling and taken pills trying to deal with mine. We went to counselling a few years ago but that is all. We have been together 25 years, I stayed as I was young and couldn't afford to leave, then stayed together for our child, who is now grown up.

I am lucky, I am fortunately, in a position to move out but I haven't got a job. Living with my emotionally draining husband (and now lazy son) ensures I don't have the energy or confidence to get work.

We are wanting to sell our place in January and split the proceeds between two houses, initially he would have to support me, whilst I look for work, then would come to some agreement.

hobo28

victory wrote:

He went to CAB to be advised, got in a family mediator, had everything agree and signed so that it could not been gone back on.

Just a small point, I don't think whatever your brother and ex signed is legally binding. Useful for court if ex is for example denying contact out of pure spite. But totally useless if for example she decided to move away out of the area. Courts would see that as a good reason why she doesn't stick to the previous agreement. Even court orders are often ignored with impunity.

When it comes to being a single parent, experience tells me that the only person you can rely upon is yourself. Take the advice of solicitors, well intentioned friends with a pinch of salt and never try to rely upon your ex for anything if you can possibly help it. I sound really cynical but I bet there are loads of single parents here who will agree.

kez1_2

thankyou all for taking the time to reply.

i am feeling slightly better toady but also feel that this is a bubble soon to burst (again)

shykins & kit thankyou for pointing out about the help with renting privatley, i had a look on the entitled website again, this time putting in a typical private rental cost and i would get help withg it (about 25%) which would free up approx £100 to pay for other living costs.

victory, i recently saw your thread and i feel for you, (you write so beautifully about such a difficult situation)

jilld, i'm so glad it has worked out for you, your words were very kind, thankyou.

ccstar, i too live with someone who has no faults, accepts no blame and so never has a need to apologise.it sounds like you are on the cusp of a new life, which i'm sure will be new and exciting and importanly your life can be focused on you.

hobo, the advice on only relying on yourself was very true.in fact i am trying to juggle my maths so tha i can try and find a way to do just that (just incase i'm the only person there for me!)

the wholle situation could make some developments this week as i delve further into truths/untruths (its a very blurred line as far as my o/h goes) for over 12 years he has lied about things hes paid, not paid, on at least 5 occasions (that i know of) has taken out credit (we are talking thousands & thousands) without discussing it, without my knowledge i have often 'found out' rather than him finally admitting it.

i am at the stage where i need to clarify almost all he tells me.its not a nice wat to live.

victory

thank you very much kez, I wish you all the very best xxxxx