how can i make it better?

babyshoes

I agree with the posters who suggest finding her someone to talk to who isn't connected to the family - when someone is close to you, it is very difficult to listen to their hurts without becoming emotional yourself! When that happens, your own emotions tend to overshadow the conversation making it difficult to have an objective talk about what the emotions actually are and how to deal with them.

She may also have emotions she feels are inappropriate, such as anger, fear or guilt and be reluctant to tell someone she is close to about them for fear of being judged. If you suspect this may be the case, you could try talking a little bit to her about your feelings (to show her that feeling angry, guilty, frightened etc is a normal part of grief), at a time when you are both feeling fairly calm and strong. Try to do so in an un-emotional way, so it is more of a discussion, rather than making her feel that she has to support you when she feels fragile herself!

You can also work on your own listening skills for the times she does talk to you. There is a lot that goes into it, like keeping your body language open, asking open ended questions rather than questions which can be answered with a yes or no, trying not to 'suggest' how she is feeling, using some silence carefully to encourage her to say more, (we naturally want to fill silences) and with that silence using small words of encouragement.

Also, as others have said, try to avoid easy platitudes like 'it will be alright' but rather just listen to her feelings and acknowledge them (you can use a summary to do this to show you have understood eg, 'it sounds like you are feeling a bit angry/very sad/worried etc'). If you want to give her reassurance, reassure her that you love her and that you have heard what she has said - and that it is OK and normal to feel what she does, you are there to help her get through this. (Even if you think her feelings are NOT normal don't tell her that- you can always find someone to help her deal with them, it isn't her fault that she feels the way she does!)

Most importantly, try to stay calm while she is talking to you! A few tears are ok, but breaking down yourself won't help - save it for later when she isn't around if you possibly can!

There is a lot more to it, but I am sure a google will bring up lots of theory!

P.S. Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not suggesting that you don't listen to your daughter, just that most people's listening skills could do with a brush up even if they are already good, especially if you are involved emotionally, so it is worth thinking about how you will listen and encourage her to talk before she does open up.