how can i make it better?

neveah

hi everyone , this is going to be a long post i'm afraid .i have a dd who is 12 and this year has been very sad for our family .
in march her grandad was in a car accident which wasn't his fault and since then he has been in hospital wth pre senile dementia .
In april my sil her auntie was admitted to a secure unit because of depression. she is almost better now but that was the fifth time in four years .
my uncle died in august who she loved .now in the last month my grandad is in hospital and is not going to get better .my nanny is really poorly with alzhiemers . my other uncle has just been told he has 5 months to live as he has cancer .so all in all a load to cope with but it has hit my dd hard she is crying most days but worries about upsetting me and dh . i talk and cuddle her but she is not sleeping properly and having nightmares and struggling with school , hormones etc .she is lovely and caring . i just dont know how i can help ...any ideas welcome ..thankyou for reading xxx nev

Threadhead

Sometimes you can't make it better. That's a whole load of sadness going on, and it's ok to say "yes, this is all horrible" and have a cry too. I am really sorry you and yours are having such a rough time xxx

Guinea_2

Can't really offer any advice. Big hugs to you and yours ((((HUGS))))

Loopy_Girl

Agree with above poster Threadhead...she is grieving for lots of things and it's a process...on the plus at least she IS crying in front of you - she's not hiding it

Difficult age as well, poor soul.

I would just give lots of kisses, cuddles and reassurance from both you and Dad....even if she is not expecting a kiss/cuddle, one out the blue will give her a warm fuzzy feeling.

On a practical thing...maybe 'girlie' days out with you, Dad takes her to cinema or even just quality time on the couch watching X Factor (yes, it IS quality time - in my house anyway!!!!:rotfl:)

She's learning some tough life lessons at a formative age and sadly you can't change what is happening so it's just a case of talk, talk and talking more until your tongue falls out.

Good luck

cobbingstones

She may be frightened that you may also die. It's very sad and incredibly difficult for you all to stay strong trying to deal with such emotions. It may be worth looking at websites or contacting organisations such as SeeSaw who deal with breavement from a child's prospective. It may help with all the confusion she might be feeling now.

Its good to hear your SIL is getting better though.

Wishing you the very best and remember we're all just human. Try and be easy on yourself too. x

neveah

thankyou all for taking the time to reply .just writing it down has helped me . i forgot to say that my grandparents live over a hundred miles away so that makes things a bit harder . x

Becles

Sorry to hear all that has been happening. It must be so tough for you and your daughter right now.

My son had problems dealing with my Gran and his friend dying suddenly and problems caused by my ex. My GP referred us to a service called CAMHS.

In each session we sat in a room that was more like a sitting room than a medical room, and the lady chatted to him about how he was feeling, his emotions and how he dealt with things. We both got a lot out of the sessions and he talks to me a lot more now rather than bottling things up by himself.

Something like that might be worth a try.

Thinking of you and hope you get things sorted out xx

KiKi

Hi Nev

Sorry you're going through it, and your DD, at the moment.

I was once given a fab piece of advice, which is that so often a child tells their parents something ("I've had a huge argument with my best friend"), and the parent will often respond by telling them that things will be okay ("it will blow over, you'll find new friends" etc) - because we want our children to be reassured and to feel secure. And actually kids (esp older ones) sometimes don't want to hear that; they want mum and dad to take them seriously and sympathise and agree that it sucks! I think it's keeping up the questioning ("how do you feel about that?" "what makes you sad about grandad?") than the 'telling' ("don't worry, it will be fine") that can often really help a child.

Obviously what's happening - particularly with her grandparents - can't be denied, and all you can do is give her lots of hugs, talk to her, let her be unhappy and keep seeing how she is. Very sadly you can't make it okay, but you shouldn't feel bad about that, or worry about it. She probably wants to know you feel the same, and that this is a horrible time.

I like the 'girly day' idea that another poster suggested - some special mum/daughter time, something nice that you wouldn't usually do together as a demonstration that you're there, even though things aren't great right now.

I hope things get better for your family very soon.
KiKi

Lilacblue

Kiki, that's a great post :T.

Hope things look up for you all soon Nev xxx

notlongnow_2

I am in kind of a similar situation. I wont elaborate as I dont know who reads this but I really do know what you are going through. i worry about my 12yr old and how he will handle this as he is very private and wont show emotion, whereas his brother is happy to talk things out and to cry etc. I have found that just being there is what they need. They need to know that (hopefully) I am not going anywhere and we talk about current issues plus recent grief and it helps them. I have yet more bad news to break to them and tbh I dont know how much more they can take, but it has to be done and i will remain there for them.

Some days I just think 'who is next?' its been that bad a year.

Have you made yr childs school aware of the things she is experiencing at the moment?

Good luck to you and your child, she is obviously happy to talk and cry with you. Be there to listen and comfort her. I keep thinking that things MUST get better soon...and it probbly will.

hugs to you

Savvy_Sue

Make sure she knows that there are people she can talk to if she doesn't want to 'upset' you, although of course you are always there if she wants to talk to you.

There's CAMHS, there's Connexions, there's her tutor at school, there's the GP (and you might consider taking her there anyway because the waiting list for CAMHS can be quite long), there's SeeSaw, and there are likely to be others. If she goes to a youth group there could be someone there.

It's horrid, nothing's going to make it better, so you have to concentrate on getting her and you through it.