CSA not involved - but advice needed

JulietAmber_2

Why would you feel bad for asking Clarks to measure his feet even if you're not going to buy? It's what they're paid for!!!
Supermarket shoes these days are pretty good - make sure child has plenty of room around toes, no rubbing etc. And Clarks 'doodles' shoes aren't as expensive as leather.
As for your son being upset he can't go into shops and buy things for his child - that's just a fact of life. A child appreciates love, effort and time far more than expensive gifts. It won't always be that way - he has a whole life to work and earn money for the things he wants to buy.

Kimitatsu

Unfortunately the advice you have been given is correct - shared care is a bit of a misnomer unless he has baby 7 days and then mum has baby 7 days and so it goes on. You would be unlikely to get that though in all honesty with little one being so little.

Have you tried your local SureStart centre to see if there is anything you can get help with, they often have table top sales and some even have their own little shop that they sell second hand stuff from.

Having had two myself, I too would go for charity shops, car boot sales etc for clothing, toys etc and keep the money for shoes. If you want to save on nappies how about going for reusable ones? You can often get grants to help out with those and then they could stay at your house for when he visits. How about asking her to bring a change of clothes etc when he comes - had you thought she may not have thought he needs them? Perhaps she doesnt have a great deal else to put him in, its not easy bringing up any child on benefits and she may not be financially very savvy.

If your son is worried about contact, then get it put into an order, if he is on basic benefit he is entitled to legal aid and it should be relatively easy. Once he is awarded benefit if she chooses to go to the CSA he will have to pay a flat rate of £5 a week for maintenance.

McKneff

But now I have had time to think, how much benefit does he get.

How much board and lodge does he get.

If he has no expenses he must have at least £40/£50 a week to call his own.

If he has priority debts, fair enouh but if hes spending it on mobile phones, internet etc (and Im not saying he is)
then he needs to prioritise.

Sal5oh

McKneff wrote: »

But now I have had time to think, how much benefit does he get.

How much board and lodge does he get.

If he has no expenses he must have at least £40/£50 a week to call his own.

If he has priority debts, fair enouh but if hes spending it on mobile phones, internet etc (and Im not saying he is)
then he needs to prioritise.

He gets £45 per week, he pays us £15 toward food and utilities and has the rest, he has to pay bus fares etc to get to meet his friends, go to a youth group where he is a leader, he buys extra food that we don't eat (his dad is on a restricted diet) and does buy things for the little one but what he has doesn't go far, especially if he needs new shoes or a winter coat. Before you ask he doesn't drink but does smoke, he is weaning off. He doesn't do 'clubbing' or anything like that never has it's not his thing so he's not 'wasting' money there, he is paying his overdraft back to the bank (he got it when he was a student) so really only has around £10 a week to himself and it's out of that he buys little things for the baby but if he had to buy the nappies etc. he'd have nothing.
I appreciate everyone's replies and the answer was really what I was expecting, it just seems a little unfair that because the little one doesn't actually sleep here more than 3 nights he's not eligible for joint custody. We'll get by, we have done before and the little one will of course be fed and clothed it would just be nice if the financial responsibility could be shared as equally as the child (IYKWIM).

JulietAmber_2

Sorry to put more of a dampener on things but imagine this scenario -
The case goes to CSA. You have child 3 nights a week and are therefore entitled to a deduction in maintenance. However, his mum tells CSA that in fact, your son doesn't have him ANY nights.
The CSA will believe the mum - without question unless there is a court order.
Happened to us.
Try and keep CSA out of everything - get a legal consent order drawn up if poss.

clearingout

you haven't said why the child is being left with dad...university? work? or something else?

clearingout

Sal5oh wrote: »

Thanks, I do use ebay a lot it's a life saver, I do get annoyed though when the little one turns up in cheap supermarket shoes, I don't think his feet have ever been measured ( I can't afford Clark's prices so feel bad going in and wasting their time just for a measure). I feel really upset because this is the one thing I made sure of with my children, that their shoes fitted properly, and it breaks my heart that I can't do it now.
My lovely son gets so upset that he can't go to the shops and buy things as he feels he should, and it's worse at birthdays and Christmas because he just can't afford to do it.

this can be seen as 'attitude' in my opinion, it feels as if you're judging her because she receives all this money but refuses to buy what you consider to be the best shoes for her child. My children have to wear cheap supermarket shoes, I have no choice in that. I get alot of support by the way of Child Benefit and Tax Credit and I work around 14 hours a week on a self-employed basis, but once I've paid bills and insurances and put some way for a rainy day, Xmas and birthdays, there is no money left to buy shoes, let alone Clarks shoes. I make sure the kids are clothed and fed (with proper food) and have age appropriate toys and books (all secondhand these days), what more could a parent or grandparent ask? It is very upsetting when you can't afford to buy your children what you feel they deserve but that's single-parenthood and we all have to get used to it. There is far more to bringing up children than money, that's for sure (although it sure as hell helps!).

I can see you are a grandparent trying to help and do what's best for your son and his child. It's just worth remembering that what you say and do can have a major impact (negative and positive) on relationships so always try to be positive towards mum and look for solutions rather than problems (not saying you are, it's just life seems easier when I tackle it that way!).

clearingout

sorry, me again! this has played on my mind a bit. You mention somewhere above that mum has said that she is limiting nights because of the financial situation and because she fears losing resident parent status. This was exactly my point although perhaps I didn't make it very well! I can understand that - I really can. She thinks she's doing her best by her son, he gets to see dad on a regular basis (far more than most), she's struggling to make ends meet (as most single mums do, particularly young ones as they dont' have the work experience to be commanding higher salaries), and somewhere there's a 'threat' of losing her child if she leaves him with dad just that little bit too much. That might be a perceived threat, or indeed a very real threat, but put yourself in her shoes....what would you do? It's all very well seeing it from dad's side - that he doesn't get to see his son as much as he would like - but mum has the same fears. What if she loses resident parent status, will her ex partner let her see her son as much as she wants to?

Opening dialogue is the way to deal with this. Make it clear you're on her side and there is no intention of taking the child away. Then work out contact arrangements and get them drawn up into a legally binding agreement.

Sal5oh

clearingout wrote: »

sorry, me again! this has played on my mind a bit. You mention somewhere above that mum has said that she is limiting nights because of the financial situation and because she fears losing resident parent status. This was exactly my point although perhaps I didn't make it very well! I can understand that - I really can. She thinks she's doing her best by her son, he gets to see dad on a regular basis (far more than most), she's struggling to make ends meet (as most single mums do, particularly young ones as they dont' have the work experience to be commanding higher salaries), and somewhere there's a 'threat' of losing her child if she leaves him with dad just that little bit too much. That might be a perceived threat, or indeed a very real threat, but put yourself in her shoes....what would you do? It's all very well seeing it from dad's side - that he doesn't get to see his son as much as he would like - but mum has the same fears. What if she loses resident parent status, will her ex partner let her see her son as much as she wants to?

Opening dialogue is the way to deal with this. Make it clear you're on her side and there is no intention of taking the child away. Then work out contact arrangements and get them drawn up into a legally binding agreement.

Ok, I can see you're coming at this from your own experience but my son isn't the 'baddie' here. He knows he sees his child far more than some dad's do but let me be straight here, it's only because it suits mum to do so. What I write may seem to come accross at 'attitude' but that may be because I am so frustrated, everything is done on her terms because it's actually my son who's terrified he won't get to see his child if he 'rocks the boat'. They never get to sit down and talk, he's never had any progress reports from midwife/health visitor visits. She drops the baby off, usually by taxi so there's no opportunity to talk then, if son drops the baby home, it's a doorstep conversation. My son has asked this week if he can see her to talk but she won't let him to the house and they obviously can't talk privately here with us in the same house so it's another doorstep conversation! I still can't get over the fact that she's happy dropping the child off for 3 days in just the clothes they stand up in, even when we were on our 'uppers' so to speak when my children were babies I never sent them to grannies without a change of clothes and a supply of nappies.
The point of the thread was to ask if dad was entitled to any support and my thoughts were confirmed in that he isn't so thanks everyone for that.

JulietAmber_2

I think here, dad and mum really need to sit down and talk. Dad needs to be firm that yes, he wants an active role in his child's life but not just as a glorified babysitter. He wants to be involved, copies of progress reports etc.
Good luck.