Advice on finding out ex's new gf's social services history please!

DooMoo

Hi there,

I'm a regular poster on Grabbit but have had to change name because of topic!

I'm not sure if this question can be answered and I'll try to keep it simple!

My ex and I broke up in February after 11.5 years together. I kicked him out because he started getting nasty to our DD9, smashing things up at home and trying to slash his wrists in front of her. (as ya do!)

She lives with me and up until he met his new gf in approx August we had a relatively good relationship and he saw his daughter more or less every other day.

Ever since she came on the scene his contact has lessened and when he does see DD he rarely takes her anywhere like the cinema etc, as he used to do. He takes his gf out to posh restaurants yet feeds his daughter that cheap 9p curry in a jar (and that's all - no meat or veg with it)

It has come to light that the gf lost custody of her young son (now aged approx 7) when he was young, allegedly due to her being an alcoholic and drug addict (Information given to me by reliable sources who aren't friends of mine but people just concerned for my DD's welfare.)

It also transpires that her own parents reported her for suspected child abuse and that is what led to the child being given to the boys father. She apparently now has access to the boy but he still lives with his dad.

Relations with my ex are recently very strained due to his treatment of DD and lack of interest in her. I have also made it quite clear that until I get concrete proof that the GF isn't a risk to my DD then there is no way on this earth that they will meet up.

I have heard these allegations from more than one person and so am finding it very hard to believe that she's as innocent as my ex makes her out to be. She told him that the child was taken from her due to her taking an overdose and that he went to live with his dad whilst she was in hospital, but then after being released went to live in a shared house so the judge wouldn't let her son live with her in that situation. How truthful can that be?

I have every sympathy in any mental health or substance abuse issue as I have had close dealings with it (friends and family) so that isn't the problem, I just want the truth.

So, my question is, Is there any legal way I can find out more about her background?

I hasten to add that I have no feelings for my ex at all and don't give a flying fig what him and her get up to, but my concern is wholly for my daughter. I have a new partner whom my daughter loves and am very happy so there is no bitterness or jealousy issues on my part

Any USEFUL!!! (I know what some of you bugg3rs on here are like, as I've posted for over 5 years!) advice welcomed.

Many thanks guys

delain

Erm, sorry but her story is perfectly reasonable.

By all means keep your DD away from her if you aren't comfortable with her, but there is (quite rightly) no way for you to access her confidential records!

Mojisola

If several different people told me that someone my child was going to spend time with had drug and alcohol problems and had been suspected of child abuse, I would have to find out more about it before allowing the contact.

Her explanation is possible but then why are other people saying something different?

I would also be concerned at the change of the Dad's behaviour with his daughter since meeting the new girlfriend.

I've never been in this situation so don't know the answer but would it worth raising this with Social Workers? They obviously wouldn't tell you anything about the new gf but, if these allegations have any truth in them, they should be concerned.

gizmo111

You will not be able to access her records, you could ask to meet her and discuss the situation, you could maybe contact the father of the child. The onus here will be on your ex to protect the child whilst in his care and part of being satisifed that this is happening will be acknowledging that his gf has a past. I imagine she probably still finds it all painful. People do change over time and she may have a totally differnt attitude to the lifestyle that led to her having her child removed all those years ago.

I've never been in this situation so don't know the answer but would it worth raising this with Social Workers? They obviously wouldn't tell you anything about the new gf but, if these allegations have any truth in them, they should be concerned.

Concerned for who?

concerned43

I wouldn't let my child near someone like that and I don't just mean the GF - trying to slash wrists in front of child and your just questioning the GF! Get real and keep your DD from harm (from both of them) but if you must - keep contact with her father through supervised visits, but only between father and daughter, the GF is irrelevant.

paddy's_mum

I'm afraid that I'm with concerned43 on this one. Slashing your wrists in front of your own young child has to be some very sick or sordid behaviour and I cannot conceive how a grown man could delude himself into believing that a jar of curry sauce is a meal.

In your shoes? I'd have been telling him to shape up or ship out, and that means from his daughter's orbit too if the examples you have given are indications of his abilities as a father. Sorry - I'm not being one of the "bugg3ers on here" but I too would be moving heaven and earth to avoid the child ever being where her father could continue with his stupidity.

In the end, it is your daughter who needs and deserves protection. Clearly, she can't rely on him ... does that answer your question?

Vaila

if your daughter isnt concerned with not seeing him , i think you can afford to tell him to sort himself out and if he doesnt its his loss

DooMoo

Thanks, some very good advice and Paddy's mum (hello cos I chat to you regularly on this and other threads under my real username!) I'm totally in agreement with you. Although it was the first time with the 9p curry as it's usually McDonalds or take away..... (rolls eyes)

But to be fair it was 'all I had in'. Even though he knew she was coming for tea and lives within sniffing distance of a Sainsburys Local...AND was the one who did the cooking when we were together so it's not like he isn't capable.

'concerned43' I also agree, although I did 'get real' cos I kicked him out after the 'episodes' and reported him to S/S myself. They did investigate him and he had counselling due to 'stress'...and they concluded that he wasn't any risk to her, which to be fair to him (although through very gritted teeth!) he hasn't behaved this way towards her since the counselling, which was almost a year ago. He didn't beat her or anything like that, but just became less tolerant and used to grab her arm to take her upstairs for example, and leave a grab mark. Which of course is still wrong but I just wanted to clear up any confusion.

Gizmo111 - I see your point too - this is why it's so bl00dy hard to know who to believe. I suffered from PND after DD was born and was a totally different person to who I am now, (didn't lay a finger on DD I hasten to add) but that said, I have heard how GF behaves and it isn't pretty reading/hearing. (house is trashed, had to have pest control in cos of fleas, leaves a puppy for over 9 hours at a time, drinks excessively etc etc)

Yesterday she (through a text from my ex's phone) threatened to 'do' me for harassment due to the info I'd been relaying to my ex about her (out of concern for DD) Not quite sure how I can be 'done' for harassing someone I have never personally spoken to or contacted directly. It's not like I'm slagging her off, just asking him questions based on info given!

I fully understand the confidentiality issues though. I did try to listen to her version of events (as told to me by ex) as of course there are 3 sides to every story: hers, theirs and then the truth (to quote Robbie and Gary!) but it's very hard to ignore the 'no smoke without fire' phrase in this situation, especially as it's coming from people who aren't friends of mine, or enemies of hers either.

Mojisola: I think a call to SS is in order to see how I stand. Of course they can't tell me anything about her, but like you say, if I can at least raise the concern then the situation can be monitored, or at least get some advice.

That said, the crazy biatch aint going within breathing distance of DD without my permission or I'll be the one behaving badly!

For the record, DD doesn't want to meet her anyway (bearing in mind that I have NEVER slagged her off or tried to turn her against DD - even though it's damn hard!) DD isn't that fussed about seeing her dad either as he just shoves her in front of the TV. The only time she has fun there is if his housemates children are there.

I'll leave you with a great text he sent DD whilst on hols in the party area of Ibiza 2 weeks ago (partying on his own...!!!!!!?!)

'I'll try to remember to bring you something back'! TRY TO?!!! Oh my days!

Thanks for all your comments so far

aliasojo

I don't think the g/f is the problem...I think your ex is. Doesn't matter what the g/f was like, if your ex was a decent caring Dad then he'd make sure DD was not affected by anything the g/f may (or may not) do.

clairec79

I'd also be more concerned with the slitting wrists things than the girlfriend, it is possible that she has changed her life round.

My SIL used to be into drugs and so on and her eldest lives with my MIL, she has managed to turn her life around (admittedly it took moving away from her old life and in the beginning there were some slips) but she's grown up now - has another child who lives with her (SS have no concerns about her keeping the baby although obviously did investigate), sees her son regularly (I think if she pushed it she could possibly get custody back)

dazzler123

Do you realise you called her a "crazy biatch" then said in the very next sentence that you've NEVER slagged her off? I think your ex sounds like more of a concern than the new girlfriend to be honest. I would suggest trying to get on friendly terms with her so you will have a better idea about her situation, instead of relying on hearsay. For your daughter's sake.