Advice on finding out ex's new gf's social services history please!

DooMoo

Dazzler123 - good point! Although I did put the comment in jest (it's an annoying habit of mine to try to lighten the mood!), because I'd have put a whole lot worse if I meant it!

I have tried to get on friendly terms with her but I think that due to the length of time the ex and I were together she sees me as a threat so won't entertain any civil conversations. As I say - ex was fine until she came on the scene - that's why I have issues with her. He has now taken up regular binge drinking (and driving...) and basically has become a total ars3.

It's very true that she may have turned her life around, but she certainly isn't showing it very well.

I suppose I'm just fearful of what 'could' happen if she were to be some total maniac and ex went against my wishes for DD and GF not to meet at the moment and something happened.

I know it's hearsay, but I just can't get it out of my head that the people giving me this info are her family, friends/work colleagues, who don't know me or DD, so why would they bother if their concerns weren't justified? It's not like they slag her off, they are just advising me of the type of person she is/was. Allegedly.

Anyway, I have just emailed the ex to inform him that for this week there is to be no contact, whilst I seek advice on the subject. He will probably not argue with this, considering he was moaning at the weekend that because he was going to see DD every evening this week he wouldn't get to see the GF!!!

He also maintains that DD would be perfectly safe with GF, but considering he has only been going out with her for about 3 months then to me, he's still in the loved up honeymoon phase and wouldn't be able to make an unbiased judgement.

This is all new and unfamiliar ground to me as things were going fine until about July/August! Grrrr!!!

robpw2

As much as i appreciate your concern in this situation whatever you do , do not allow your predjudices and concerns punish your daughter . She still should be able to see her daddy , contact does not have to be going out with him or spending day with him it could be a hour or so in your home with supervision.

I would suggest you speak to your ex and gf together of you can to arrange what will happen long term and get to know the girl .. yes she has had health problems but that does not mean your daughters at risk . You have been told things by others but the only way you can be sure is to ask this girl what happened .

clearingout

DooMoo wrote: »

She told him that the child was taken from her due to her taking an overdose and that he went to live with his dad whilst she was in hospital, but then after being released went to live in a shared house so the judge wouldn't let her son live with her in that situation. How truthful can that be?

The courts favour what is termed as a 'status quo' with children - that is, things continue as they are unless there is evidence to suggest that the arrangements are to the deteriment of the child or that new arrangements would be better for the child. Living in a shared house, in my opinion at least, would be enough to make a sensible judge question whether or not to return a child to her mother. So for me at least, this bit rings true - although obviously can't say if she's actually telling the truth.

As a mum who has had to pack her children off to dad and less than desireable girlfriend, I know how worrying it is. And my ex's girlfriend is no where near this 'bad' and my ex has appropriately cared for the children (no 9p jars of curry, although I suspect he relies on takeaway more than he'd have me know!). Doesn't make it any easier. I would say, at the risk of making myself unpopular, give yourself a good talking to and make sure that your feelings are to do with genuine fears for your children and not a dislike of the fact that your ex has managed to 'move on' quite quickly. If you're quite certain you're happy your ex has moved on, I'm afraid that you may need to take a step back and let your ex get on with it - your ex is responsible for his relationship with his daughter, not you. That he doesn't see her, let's her down or leaves her with an undesierable girlfriend is not really your problem - you just have to pick up the pieces as best you can. That's the reality of life for children with parents who have separated. You get used to it after a while, believe me. However, the line between this and leaving your daugther to actually be abused is a fine one and only your instinct can tell you where it's being crossed. Hope that makes sense.

Finally, I do find the self-harming in front of your daugther more of a worry than the girlfriend, if I'm honest. Is this dealt with? Has he got support? You could go down the road of a residency order and supervised contact but I have no idea if you'd get it and you do need to consider if this would be in the best interests of your daugther.

DooMoo

Thanks again, and yes, he has dealt with his issues and had support from the GP and counsellor way back in December when it all happened. I most certainly have moved on and am glad to be rid of him - it took me long enough to get him to take the hint that we were finished anyway. I have been in my new relationship since March and my DD is more than happy with her home situation which is great, but the last thing I want is for her to 'notice' his latest lack of interest with her and for it to affect her schoolwork or behaviour, as it slowly appears to be doing.

But again, some very useful and thought provoking points so thanks for your time, regardless of your opinion. I will be taking a step back and just be there for DD whilst ensuring that she comes to no harm and basically will have to let the ex and GF get on with it and if DD loses interest in him (she isn't that fussed about seeing him anyway) then it's his loss. At least I can sit back knowing my partner and I are doing our level best to be there for DD