Any mum's of 10/11 year old boys - getting them organised?

gingin_2

I'm tearing my hair out with my lovely DS. He's going on 11 and I don't think that there is one thing that he takes the initiative to do himself.

He's been back at school less than 4 weeks and he has lost all of his 3 named school jumpers and his lunch box. Homework would not be done without me sitting him down at the table and banning him from any computers/ distrations until it is done and even then it is rushed and not thought through. He has to be told when to take a shower and brush his teeth and even when he goes in the shower I think half the time he just stands under the water to get wet rather than wash himself. More often than not will come downstairs in the morning in a dirty shirt from the floor of his bedroom, rather than the clean ones that are hanging up in his wardrobe.

I feel like a bully and a nag because I am constantly on at him but equally I worry that next year he will be off to High school and will have to be fairly self-sufficient, so this year is the perfect year to get him organising himself, but it's just not happening.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Please.

EssexGirl

My 12 year old son was just the same, except he's never tended to lose clothing.

When he started secondary school I instilled in him (over and over again lol) that he would need to take responsibility for himself more.
Silly things like folding clothes at the end of the day, hanging uniform up, removing his lunch box from his school bag and putting the sandwich box in the sink. He is solely responsible for making sure his bag is ready to go for school the following day.

We also have a big rule that is never broken. NO PC/PS3 or friends are allowed round until all homework is done to MY standards. I don't really check the work, but I do make sure it's presentable and doesn't look rushed. I've made him do it over again before now.

It may seem like nagging, but they have to learn to fend for themselves little by little.

As for the bathing thing, I'm still searching for answers to that one.
If we don't tell him to have a bath, he simply won't!
I still have to Liz Earle his face and neck from time to time to remove tide marks.

Honestly don't feel like a bully. We are being responsible by hounding them a bit. Hoping to turn them into decent young citizens. It's the kids who don't get nagged that worry me.

kegg_2

I think you are going to have an uphill battle as you have left it a bit late to start teaching responsibility.

My youngest is 12, soon to be 13 and if he fails to do his homework or does it to a bad standard then he knows he will be in trouble at school and likely to get a detention. He knows that there is no point moaning to me about it as i will just tell him that it is his own fault so get on with it.

He has been responsible for putting dirty in the wash basket and hanging up his clean clothes for several years so now it is second nature to him to put dirty in the basket as he takes it off.


I started making him make his own packed lunch in year 5 so now if he needs a packed lunch he will amke it the night before just like his dad does.

He is no by no means perfect but i want to raise him to be an independant and responsible young man and so far he is heading in the right direction.

gonzo127

agreed not overly uncommon and you do have to nag them,

i still have to nag my step daughter who is 13 (and had to with my step son) for some things although i generally go on the if they dont do something they will have to live with the consiquences (tough love),

so such as their packed lunch is made and in the fridge wiating for them if they do not put it in their school bag they will go hungry,

homework is down to them, if they dont do it not only do they have to deal with it at school but they also get a computer ban (grounding) when they get home if they get any warnings/detentions, 1 night ban for a warning 3 night ban for a detention and if i find out they got a detention/warning which they tried to hide from me they get a 5 day ban

the clean clothes thing, well this is a bit harder i have occasionally let them go out in the dirty clothes (depends on how bad they are) as i have found their friends can be the harshest critics and are usually the only ones that they tend to listen to anyway and a bit of teasing for smelling a bit or being a bit dirty would probably get the message to sink in far quicker than your 'nagging'

gingin_2

Thanks everyone.

Kegg, your words kind of sting a bit. I'm a good Mum and teaching him responsibility is exactly what I am trying to do and have been doing for a long while, he has a number of responsibilities around the house that he does but when it comes to looking after himself it's falling by the wayside. He's a beautifully behaved boy who just needs pointers in the right direction as to how to organise himself.

Getting all defensive but just feel a bit

Doozergirl

My DS just turned 10 and had just started Middle School. We have a funny school system here and I was really worried that he wasn't ready but we have had several stumbles over the last few weeks but this week he has been a joy. In his fifth year of first school, he couldn't even remember his book bag whereas his sister in Reception picks it up each morning almost without fail!

In the second week of big school he came home wearing two different shoes - neither belonged to him! He has lost his PE kit, lost some of his lunch money and left both jackets at school. He didn't do his homework properly and as a result got 2/10 in his spellings and a note home about his Science homework. But not mollycoddling him and showing him what happens when you don't pay attention to what your homework actually is seems to have made him appreciate.

He at leasts understands that he needs to take his bag every day and his planner. I do put his clothes out for him as I think any boy will happily go anywhere in dirty clothes, given a chance! But sits down now to do his homework now when I'm cooking and the Xbox has been lost during the week - there just aren't enough hours in the day!

Lots of communication now between us and his new teacher and they have organised an early parent's evening for new parents which I think is just lovely, but between us I think we're starting to get somewhere with him! He knew there was responsibilty with going to a new school, I think he is realising how it works - that it isn't just the new freedoms of being able to walk to school with his friends and having money in his pocket each morning but it's time now to start knuckling down and setting himself up for the rest of his life.

Honestly, I think his new school will really help - let him make his mistakes though as that does seem to be the way that my boy, in particular, learns!

(Of course you are a good mum, he hasn't had to worry about anything yet and I hardly think it's too late to start loosening the apron strings, it's probably just the right time )

kegg_2

gingin wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

Kegg, your words kind of sting a bit. I'm a good Mum and teaching him responsibility is exactly what I am trying to do and have been doing for a long while, he has a number of responsibilities around the house that he does but when it comes to looking after himself it's falling by the wayside. He's a beautifully behaved boy who just needs pointers in the right direction as to how to organise himself.

Getting all defensive but just feel a bit

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i didn't mean it like that and no way did i want to undermine your parenting skills.
Boys of this age can be a real chalenge but it is a lovely age as you watch them turn from a boy to a young man.

gingin_2

Sorry kegg, no wories, i'm just on a downer today. I left him at school having been on at him all morning and feeling like a really bad mum. I just wish there was a magic solution other than "nag". I don't make him get his lunch and so I think I might start that one.

nzmegs

You are not a bad Mum - he is just a typical boy. Listen to this: my son has just started secondary school. every morning I have to remind him to pack his bus pass, mobile phone, homework and PE kit. i literally have to drag him out of bed on occassions. He needs to be reminded to shower even tho he stinks and i had to show him how to wash his hair properly. i warned him that if he wants me to come in the shower room with him to check i will do!
Homework is an ongoing battle. He is extremely bright and very good with computers, but seem to think that 5 minutes is suitable amount of time to spend on important homework. wee have allowed just 1 hour a day on computer games - after homework is done.

it is frustrating, but I remind myself of what I was like at that age and the fact that he is doing well at school despite his disorganised attitude. I think we have to allow them to make their own mistakes. if they get told off by teachers for poor homework then you should not blame yourself.

My son surprised me this week after he had to catch the public bus home on his own rather than the school bus. he took two different buses, walked all the way through town to catch the second one as the first stopped somewhere unfamiliar to him. he managed just fine and didn't need to call me in a panic as i might have expected. I was so proud that at 11 years old i can trust him to be so sensible.

Just focus on what is good about your son and stop being so hard on yourself...

*Louise*

Hey - don't beat yourself up over it!!

My DS is 11 next month and he can be very scatter brained at times. I used to threaten to go into the bathroom and scrub him myself if he didn't wash his hair and face properly in the shower.:rotfl: He likes baths better so I tend to send him for one of those instead.

Homework is the same - he will forget unless I ask him specifically about it. What I do now is I let him have time to relax/play outside for a while when he gets in to make the most of the light we have in the evenings and he sits to do his homework after dinner, that way he isn't resenting it or rushing to finish so he can go out.

I'm sure your DS (and mine) will be just fine when they go to high school, it will be the wake up call I think that makes them realise they are older and have to look after things better.

nuttienettie

Please try not to worry ( impossible I know as a mum it comes as easily as breathing!!), My DS is now 13yrs old and he was just the same and we had awful problems geeting him to engage with teachers and us all through 10-12yrs old, but now he's so different I can't beleive he wasn't abducted by aliens and a clone left behind!!
He wants to shower, asks for particular clean clothes (but also knows to give me notice in advance to wash dry etc), homework can still be an issue but we can now negotiate how much and when he does it. He's not perfect but we feel we have got back a pleasant young adult from the awful stroppy boy he was. Think he hit pubrety earlier than most of his friends and a lot of his attitude problems could've been hormomal.
What really trying to say is "hang on in there" the child you know is still around and will reappear soon. xx

P.s a fantastic health visitor said to me when DS was a toddler, the only bad parents are the ones who "know" their children are perfect and never worry - you are a GR8 mum and your son knows you are .