BabyB wants to be mortgage free (or at least have more equity!)

babyb06

hello!

I am super happy as have already paid off my two targets! and complete my 2011 challenge - £12,250 paid off this year!!!! :j

I cannot believe how much this board has helped me - reading all the diaries has kept me motivated and on track.:money:

I have set a new target for myself to decrease my mortgage by another £5000 by end of the year. I also want to add another couple of thousand to my savings account.

The only down side about reading the threads on this board is that due to the number of people talking about moving house, i have started to get itchy feet and look online at houses! Now I want to arrange viewings, but I know it is too soon for me to be able to afford it...................need to make more money!

babyb

babyb06

Just wrote a long post but deleted before sending as I think it was too detailed/personal.

Short version - my boyfriend has confessed to money problems (big ones) I am gutted as I feel he didn't trust me enough to confide in me earlier when I could've helped - now it has spiralled out of control. He says he didn't tell me because he was embarrassed and thought he'd be able to sort it before I needed to know (i.e. marriage/buying a family home), but he has now realised that isn't possible.

It is mortgage problems, so not only has he got huge arrears to pay off, his credit history is shot. He also has a CCJ for another debt.

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks, stop overpaying my mortgage and pay his debt, so that eventually we can buy a house together. Part of me thinks, leave him to it and work towards buying a house in my sole name for us to live in. Of course if marriage happens the latter will be complicated.

Lois_E

Oh babyb, what an upsetting thing to find out.

I remember once when horrible surprises were happening to me, my boss said something very wise. He told me to take my time thinking about what to do, and not to make any decisions in a hurry. "Rushed decisions often turn out to be bad decisions" he said. I thought it might be helpful for you.

My other piece of advice would be to make sure he's doing his bit before you do anything to help him. If, after you've considered all the ramifications, you decide to help him pay off his debts, then do something that depends on his efforts, like offering to match any payments he makes, or something like that. If you bail him out without any consequences to him, chances are you will be bailing him out for as long as the relationship lasts. Of course, if you can see that he's already had his LBM and is working his tail off trying to sort things, then you can help him as much as you feel you want to, because you'll know that he's learnt what he needed to learn from the experience.

Hugs and prayers,
Lois.

gallygirl

Oh babyb how upsetting for you both

Maybe I'm too independent, but I would not help someone pay off their debts by giving them money (short term emergency excepted). I'd help him practically, if at all possible, and also by paying for the lions share of everything etc, but stop short of cash. Maybe agree you'll both go on a 'money diet' - he can save towards his debts and you can build a nest egg to be used for both your futures when he has got out of the mess?

Good luck & a dodgy hug :grouphug:

babyb06

Thank you Lois and Gallygirl for your replies - lots to think about in there. I am reluctant to 'give' money to him, but equally as he is the man I want to marry see it as 'our' issue, which is why I don't want to leave him to sort it himself. You have both come up with interesting ideas - making him do his bit (which he is, although I think he could go on Gally's money diet and do more) and maybe me saving rather than paying off his debt.

Have lots of questions for his mortgage company - have to wait till Monday now - but arrears and negative equity are not a good position no matter what help they can offer in terms of repayment plans. But both of your posts make me think of helping in a way that won't jeapordise me

Lots to think about

Thank you!!!!

babyb06

So.....after days of talking and looking at budgets we have come up with a plan to start paying OH's debt........I have thought about the comments on this thread and Froggy's and have realised offering to give him money may not be a good idea.

That said, the hole he is in is deep - originally £5k of missed payments yet now is £14,000 outstanding as arrears (even after £2500 has been paid towards arrears in last year or so), apparently it is interest and court costs (we are awaiting the mortgage statements to see how the amount has been calculated).

So, together we have made him a budget, he is going to make large payments, but to do so he cannot afford to contribute as he is now to food/bills. So I have agreed to pay more towards those to ensure he can make the overpayments. We are going to review the budget in January to see if it is working for him and so I can check he is making the agreed overpayments to make my sacrifices worthwhile. Also, he is going to use some of the money we receive in rent from his flat (which is currently used for holidays, treating it as joint money because he pays me no rent to live in my flat) to pay towards his arrears. It is another sacrifice from me (less holiday money) but without me actually giving him money.

It will take so long for him to pay it off without my help and until he has we cannot look to buy a house (or marry), but the opinions on here have made me reluctant to give him cash directly. I hope the arrangement we have come to is ok for us both and works in the long run without making him think the debt has no consequnces. Plus, the effect on me will depend how MSE I can be - if I shop wisely/cook from scratch more the food bill will be lower meaning I am not paying out that much more.

Time will tell!

gallygirl

Sounds like a very sensible plan, hope you're both happy with it

Lois_E

Well done. That sounds like a good plan for now. Don't be afraid to review it if and when circumstances change.

It would be great if he could get some support from someone that isn't you. It's too confusing if you're his partner, his housemate/landlord, the person making sacrifices to help him, the person with a huge emotional investment in his success, AND his main support person as well. Is he a computer sort of person? Can you introduce him to DFW? It might even work best if you promise not to read each other's DFW/MFW threads, to give you both a bit of space to deal with your finances separately.

Also, I think setting January as a date for checking that he's doing his bit is great, and I think it would be most helpful if you have some kind of plan in advance of what you are going to do in January if he has slogged his guts out and exceeded your expectation, or if he's meandered along more or less keeping the rules but also bending them quite often, or if he's totally messed up and increased his debts by unwise spending. Come January, it'll be easier if you don't have to invent your response on the hoof.

You're doing brilliantly so far. I'm impressed. And if he's a decent bloke, then in due course he will be so grateful to you for helping him face up to his issues rather than just rescuing him from their consequences.

cha97michelle

I've just caught up with your diary, and I am sorry to hear about your blip. I hope you can both work round it without causing too much stress and hardship to your plans. You were doing so well as well. It is a good job really that you are so disciplined.

babyb06

Lois_E wrote: »

It would be great if he could get some support from someone that isn't you. It's too confusing if you're his partner, his housemate/landlord, the person making sacrifices to help him, the person with a huge emotional investment in his success, AND his main support person as well. Is he a computer sort of person? Can you introduce him to DFW? It might even work best if you promise not to read each other's DFW/MFW threads, to give you both a bit of space to deal with your finances separately.
He is not someone that would write on a forum such as this and can't understand why I do or what I get from it. His mum and dad know about it, but I am a little surprised at how much they have left him to it - I know he is independent and likes to make everyone think he is doing great, so maybe they don't realise the full extent, I don't know..... You are right about him needing someone other than me, I might try and persuade him to talk to his mum more.

Also, I think setting January as a date for checking that he's doing his bit is great, and I think it would be most helpful if you have some kind of plan in advance of what you are going to do in January if he has slogged his guts out and exceeded your expectation, or if he's meandered along more or less keeping the rules but also bending them quite often, or if he's totally messed up and increased his debts by unwise spending. Come January, it'll be easier if you don't have to invent your response on the hoof.

That is a great idea, I think I will do that today! My initial reaction last week when he told me was so emotional and I said some very unhelpful things..........thinking about all the possible January outcomes and how I would feel would enable me to feel in control and deal with things better if they all go wrong (fingers crossed they don't)
.

Thanks for your help! This forum is such a kind place!