Advice - self harm

needanewjob

My DD, age 10 is self harming. It started a couple of years ago with picking at her skin a bit. At first we thought it was scratching due to eczema, but as time's gone on she's told us she can't stop it and doesn't know why she does it. The last week has seen it get worse. Looked like a graze on her hand followed by an inch by half inch patch on her leg where she'd scraped the skin off with her nails (or so she says). I've made an appointment with the GP this afternoon. She didn't want to go and doesn't know about it yet. I can't hope it will go away any longer. Is it the way to go?

julie03

my eldest does this, not that much recently but whenever he gets really stressed, he did see a counseller twice but stopped going and when he recently did it , i suggested going back but he has refused.
i honestly dont think you can push it too much, he says it releases something that makes him feel better.

we have encouraged him to talk and keep an eye on things when he gets into stressful situations.
sorry i cant be of much help

morocha

i am glad you will go and see the doctor.
my oh started self harming when he was young, it only got worse, he suffers from deppression, he would cut his arms with knives, he has got many scars in one of his arms. He does not do it anymore, but i think self harming is something that needs to be addressed the sooner the better.

babymoo

I would definitely see your GP, preferably with your daughter but if not then go see the GP and ask for advice yourself first. I self harm according to my GP. I thought it was a nervous tic where I would pull the skin off my scalp although never pulled my hair out. This went on for years and I asked my dr if there was any reason I may be doing it and was told it is a form of self harm. Its not that I actually want to harm myself but I see it as a way of dealing with stress as I only tend to do it when I am stressed out about something but like your daughter I don't actually know I am doing it until my mum or someone tells me to stop picking.

Is your daughter upset or particularly stressed about anything? Hope you get it sorted, best wishes.

needanewjob

She says nothing's bothering her and I've told her she can come to me about anything. Maybe she can tell the GP in private if she can't talk to me.

Pee

Well done. i do think you are doing the right thing, and as another poster said, you should go to see the GP even if your daughter won't come.

I think it is a lot more common than most of us realise. It is a way of dealing with stress, but a counsellor could offer alternatives ways to deal with stress, one of which should work for your daughter.

Lara44

I was in the same situation as a teenager and said the same thing as your daughter. My Mum also said the same thing but I didn't feel that I could talk to her. I couldn't be sure she wouldn't react badly and judge me. I think it might be a wrong move to make the Drs appointment behind your daughter's back. She might feel she cannot trust you if you're taking action without consulting her. Talking about this stuff might be very difficult for her and when I was a teenager all our GPs were middle-aged men who had daughters at the same school.

I think counselling might be the best option as she can speak to someone completely different and 'neutral'. You could think about going together? It would show her that you're not afraid to put your feelings out there and might improve communication between the two of you (always a good thing). Also, when you listen to her, listen really hard - also to what she doesn't say. Avoid questions like 'are you okay?' to which the answer will usually be 'yes' or 'what's wrong?' to which the answer will usually be 'nothing'. Try to connect with her on lots of other levels, through books, films and music. Having things in common could be something really helpful.

babymoo

It is possible that she doesnt actually realise that there is anything particularly stressing her out and she doesnt feel stressed at all. It took me years to work out what was happening as I was looking at patterns of what was happening in my life and how often I was being told to stop picking.

She is 10 years old, next year will be secondary school. Her body will be starting to go through some incredible changes and she is possibly very confused and maybe even frightened by all this. Is she a generally happy child? If she is then I would say maybe don't worry quite so much it might be a phase that she grows out of. Of course see your GP anyway and keep a close eye on her to make sure if doesnt get any worse but maybe making a big deal out of it may exasperate the situation. I hope this makes sense.

Lara44

Yes that's very true - think my advice is more towards older teens, OP.

jenhug

my friend does this, he has ocd though, and picks at imaginary spots.

morg_monster

I think you should talk to your daughter before going to the GP, maybe say "how would you feel about us maybe going to talk to the doctor about it together?". Don't let her know that you've booked the appointment without her knowing. If she's not keen on going then cancel the appt and don't say anything. Once my mum, bro and I were in the GPs for some travel vaccs I think, and out of the blue my mum said "oh while we're here, could you have a look at my son's moles, I'm worried about them". My bro (aged 10 or 11 at the time) burst into tears and fled the room. He was embarrassed (in a MUM, NOOOO way) and upset (as he'd never thought of them as a problem before and now was worried about skin cancer when he didn't need to be).

I'm inclined to agree with the poster who thought that with her relatively young age, and if there's been no upheaval or anything in her life, it might just be a phase she grows out of. And by drawing attention to it you might possibly make something that would be no problem at all, into a problem.
I mean, (and I know it isn't exactly the same), I have always had a thing about peeling skin. Whether picking my own scabs off over and over again so they took ages to heal; or not being able to leave blackheads or spots alone, or peeling skin off my feet, or sunburned skin... All I'm saying is that in this case there must be a fairly fuzzy line between normal behaviour and problem / compulsive behaviour.

As she says she isn't aware of doing it, ask her if she'd like you to gently tell her when she's picking so she can stop. When I was an acne ridden teenager my dad would always tell me to stop picking my spots, SOO embarrassing! In the end I got in a big strop with him and said it was my face and my spots and I would do it if I wanted. He said it would make them worse as he well knew from his teens, and in the end we agreed a compromise - he used to say a random word if he saw me doing it - it was much less embarrassing having him say "hippo" or whatever under his breath than telling me to stop picking my spots or leave my face alone!

Some practical ideas: wearing long sleeves / trousers / PJs might help... or even some silly mittens?! Body lotion to make the skin less dry? And maybe something else to do with her hands if she tends to do it absentmindedly while watching TV etc.