Need a little help re: wife and debts

Legacy_user

Hi Everyone,

I am asking for a bit of help on behalf of my student wife.

Over the last 3 weeks I have given her almost £2000 towards her debts, including a massive delinquent phone bill. It is fortunate because I can just about afford it at the moment. However all this money I am giving her was partly towards a new bathroom, kitchen and redecorating.

She somehow thinks I can still afford to do the bathroom (Yes darling, money does grow on trees ) Oh and can I buy her tickets to see some band or other :mad:

Now I see she has another pre court letter from a credit card company. I really, really am beginning to loose my temper of this as she must take home at least £800 per month and the only bill she has to deal with is the food.

I really, really don't know what she does with the rest of it. I have gone through budgets several times with her etc etc but she comes home with a new handbag or a takeaway and she doesn't understand why I get annoyed.

It comes to three questions really:

a) Should I keep bailing her out, or let her taste bad news with a ccj (Just had to pay one off to the tune of £1K!)
b)How can I make her see the light ( I know there is a chance I may not be able to)
c)Should I try and send her to the non for profit debt charities and wash my hands of it

TBH It is getting so bad, I am getting tempted to just walk away because she just doesn't seem to appreciate what people do for her

Any advice/commiserations appreciated.


13000

whiteguineapig

i'm not much help but the four words that came to mind are
do you love her
i think i mean is all this hassle and worry worth it?

DVardysShadow

Sever financial connections as much as you can. If the relationship survives, it will need 1 of you with good credit.

Mortgage - can't do much about it
Joint Bank account - open a new one in your name with a financially unconnected bank, move your income and the DDs and SOs. Go to the old bank and close the joint account. If it is in OD, they won't let you - but you can and should give them a letter instructing that no further payments out are to be made. And pay off the balance on the day you gave them the letter.

Other financial products - close these if they are likely to give rise to debt.

Obviously, you will be damaged as you are probably financially associated and you cannot fully dissociate. But you should avoid some of the damage if you can ensure no defaults occur on anything with your name on it.

After you have done the above, you need to think what you want to achieve and what is realistic, but you will be better placed because you will ahve taken some of the pressure off yourself.

poppy10_2

13000 wrote: »

a) Should I keep bailing her out

No, no, no.

The more you do this, the less she has to face up to financial reality. She's still not had her lightbulb moment if she is still buying handbags and takeaways and then expecting you to pick up the pieces when she gets stuck at the end of the month. Separate your finances as much as possible (no joint accounts etc) so your credit rating isn't affected by her CCJ, and then just keep trying to get her to face the facts about her spending habits.

isy1011

Surely you must have seen signs of this behaviour before you married? Has there been a change in her behaviour? You dont say how long you have been together. It seems to be a sad fact of life that some men go for looks ignoring other qualities and are then surprised when their wives dont turn out to have too much common ffinancial sense. Perhaps she is used to Daddy bailing her out.

romylou_2

Hey 13000

Have you tried sitting her down for "Crisis Talk". Basically tell her like it is!!

If she is squandering her own money and relying on you to bail her out - tell her enough! She needs to realise the severity of the situation.

1 Confiscate her mobile phone (until she is responsible enough to use it!)

2 Tell her to contribute more of her £800 wage to the household and leave her with "pocket money" until she has taken responsibility for her debt! (and payed you back for the house decoration).

3 I agree that you should have a seperate account of your own (if things do not turn out, then she won't drag you down with her).

Overall, if she loves you, she will accept these extreme measures and will hopefully see that you are trying to do the best for both your futures.

gravitytolls

'Yes darling, money does grow on trees'. Oooh, get you,, sarky get.

Does she have a stake in the house?

A friend was in a similar situation with her new partner. Ahe remortgaged, cleared £30,000 of debt, and soon after, the credit card bills started to arrive again. My advice ~ apply for one in his name, put a tiny debt on it, don't pay it for a few months, then clear it. Yes, muc bigger debt due to thhe charges, but once she'd jiggered his credit rating, he couldn't get any more.

DVardysShadow

gravitytolls wrote: »

A friend was in a similar situation with her new partner. Ahe remortgaged, cleared £30,000 of debt, and soon after, the credit card bills started to arrive again. My advice ~ apply for one in his name, put a tiny debt on it, don't pay it for a few months, then clear it. Yes, muc bigger debt due to thhe charges, but once she'd jiggered his credit rating, he couldn't get any more.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

gravitytolls by name, gravitytolls by nature.

LMCD

If I were you I would take over all the finances...give her a monthly allowance you think is reasonable I would say £50, call up the mobile company when it reaches a set amount they can put a block on it...also I would speak to her if I were you and ask her reg the spending it might bring up an answer..the only person who does know why she spends in such a way.

(kinda echoed romylou) but its easy to think you are doing right by bailing her out, but then again she isn't learning anything by it either...I learnt the hard way but it didn't affect anyone where as this is affecting you - if you take over you then have full control, majority of your problem solved?

Nottoobadyet

LMCD wrote: »

If I were you I would take over all the finances...give her a monthly allowance you think is reasonable I would say £50, call up the mobile company when it reaches a set amount they can put a block on it...also I would speak to her if I were you and ask her reg the spending it might bring up an answer..the only person who does know why she spends in such a way.

She's not his child though - he has no right to seize her money. He has every right to cut her off from his funds though.

OP - I feel for you, this woman is taking you for a ride, whether she knows it or not, and you're being complicit in keeping her irresponsible by bailing her out. It doesn't sound like she has much respect for you, to be honest, so I think its time for a serious think.

MrsTinks

Well there are several ways you could address this - infact probably as many as there are people out there
Personally I'd go with looking at the total amount of bills and your income vs hers - say you bring in 2/3rd and she brings in 1/3 of the combined household income - now split the bills to that ratio too - and tell her you expect her to pay that EVERY pay check.
Then explain to her that you will NOT be bailing her out again and you want all joint accounts closed or set so ANY expense on them is by check with BOTH signatories on them. That should make clear how deadly serious you are...
Out of what she has left after paying her bill share and debts you expect her to start repaying the DIY fund at say £50 per month - agian this will be paid as soon as she is paid. Ofcourse you're happy for her to overpay from selling handbags and so on on ebay.

If you keep bailing her out then she will NEVER learn and it will end up being thousands more and you will have no chance of getting that money back... now I do believe in for better and worse... but better and worse when it's worse for both of you, not just the one...