Need a little help re: wife and debts

anh1904

You could address the relationship first. Maybe your wife doesn't realise the impact this has on you having to deal with it all.
Do a full statement of affairs for her to see, you ought to have a surplus, and agree between you what is a fair split for things like socialising, entertainment and luxuries ... but only AFTER all debt is cleared.

You could be brave and show her this thread - though only you know how she might react to your chosen phrasing.

katu

I can understand both sides, I am in money troubles mainly through being made redundant and credit cards being there......
It's nice that you help her out and I am sure she does appreciate it, but she can't keep relying on you to do this, okay this is a personal thing for me because I wouldn't want my partner to or feel he had to help me out with my bills (I have tried to have the conversation and I have mentioned I owe money but he either didn't quite realise how much I mean or just ignored it!) my attitude is that they are my debts (even though contributed to by others) and I need to sort out the problem.

You should perhaps talk to your wife and explain to her that if she wants the house looking nice she will need to seek help for her debts, perhaps it's a pride thing and she doesn't want to go down the route of a DMP like me, but like me she may realise that it is the only solution for now. You are obvioulsy very understanding and very kind.

debtdesperado

You don't really sound as if you are both working as a team on your (and by your I mean your joint) marital finances....

However it has happened, it sounds like she is acting like a child, and you are acting like her dad. All this talk of cutting up her cards, confiscating her phone etc etc!

Has your relationship always been like this, or has the dynamic slowly changed? If it's always been like this, then you have kind of made your own bed and need to accept a bit of responsibility for her casually thinking you will always bail her out like last time.... If it has evolved into this since she has become a student, then it's time to stop the rot right now!

The way you do this is to involve her in the family finances. It's not 'your' money or 'her' money, it's JOINT money. If you treat it like it's one pot and crucially, she needs to see the extent of the pot, she can then grasp that taking money out of the pot empoverishes you both because there is less money. Therefore, you could both decide to take money out of the pot to cover a new bathroom, or the same money can be used to pay her phone bill.

At the moment, you are the magical cash machine, and she doesn't need to think, plan or consider her actions at all - but you are letting her do this by randomly giving her money without making her aware that phone bill = bathroom, means one or the other.

My ex used to do the same thing with me - he effectively kept me infantilised and in the dark about our finances, as I merrily ran up loads of debt, because I asked, and he just provided. Of course, he had all the power in the relationship because he called the financial shots.

Eventually, we both got fed up of it, and the whole relationship imploded because we couldn't alter the dynamic (I started to resent him having all the say when we looked at buying a house together, based on my higher salary at the time, and as much as he hated being the cash machine of the relationship, he just couldn't bear to give up some of the power when I wanted an equal say about our finances).

It was very sad and I would NEVER do it again - equal shares, equal say, and equal power all the way next time, right from the start!

LMCD

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

LMCD wrote: »

If I were you I would take over all the finances...give her a monthly allowance you think is reasonable I would say £50, call up the mobile company when it reaches a set amount they can put a block on it...also I would speak to her if I were you and ask her reg the spending it might bring up an answer..the only person who does know why she spends in such a way.

She's not his child though - he has no right to seize her money. He has every right to cut her off from his funds though.

OP - I feel for you, this woman is taking you for a ride, whether she knows it or not, and you're being complicit in keeping her irresponsible by bailing her out. It doesn't sound like she has much respect for you, to be honest, so I think its time for a serious think.

By all means not a child no, but its dealing with the situation - if he doesn't take drastic measure now they will both be worse off...but even if this was done in first case aswell as discussions it would make a difference.

anh1904

I think a very open, frank, honest session about where you both are, where you percieve you both are, where you both want to be, and how you both see the path to get there.

Be prepared, this could make you face some serious differences in your relationship, which you may choose to work through to resolve, or may find them unresolvable.

foxgloves

I agree that while you may have separate incomes, you are a married couple & you need to have one household economy. I think the only way you can do this is to make a thorough SOA, looking at the income from both of you and what your outgoings are. This should include a regular monthly debt repayment. Work out how much you can both afford to allow yourselves for your own 'monthly spends'......i.e at the moment my partner & I allow 100 pounds each but it's been a bit more or less depending on what our current commitments are. If we could only afford 50, we'd do it on that. Without being overly patronising, you need to show your partner just very matter of factly, not sarky, not 'big daddy', etc, etc, that this is your financial situation. There is this much money. There are this many outgoings. There is no money at the moment for going to gigs, buying new handbags, etc, until the debts have gone. I was bailed out several times as a student & in my 20s (tho not nearly as much as you are doing) and I was grateful at the time, but my behaviour didn't change. Looking back now that I am enjoying being in control of my spending & budget every month, I look back & can see that if I hadn't been bailed out repeatedly in my 20s, I would have had my LBM before I reached my 40s! I hope you can sort this out.

Gordon_Hose

If she's in debt and expects you to bail her out, then comes home with a new handbag/shoes/takeaway, she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever!! And she's only doing it because you let her. Time for a crisis chat me thinks!

I had a gf once, who smoked the "illegal ciggies". A lot. She'd tick, whinge and moan because she had no money to go and do fun things, and I wouldn't give her any money because she had £150 a week to go see her dealer. Soon knocked that one on the head after she'd run up 3 credit cards getting cash out to pay for her dealer.

It's all about priorities, and new handbags aren't priority. Sit her down, tell her enough is enough and that she needs to take responsibility of her own debts. It sounds like you've helped her out plenty so far.

Percy1983

I really don't like posts like this as its always a shame, in basic terms there is many levels of compatability in a relationship and attitude to money is one of them and it can be enough to ruin relationships.

As others have said how long has this gone on for, how long is she going to be a student for, what is her expected income once graduated? Has she always been a student or did she have a higher income before hand?

I can understand if she could afford this lifestyle but now can't, and if agreed you subbing her while she studies is fair enough, but right now it seems she can't see the full picture and it might just be a talk to sort it, but be prepared for a full on defense which could lead to resentment.