Life after bankruptcy?

miggy

Things to do with money/benefits and the like don't move forward much on a Sunday, I know. The tomorrow the cogs start to move again.

Did you manage to get out for a walk? It's been too wet here to get out much and I've been working (will be again tonight). Hoping for better weather this coming week.

ani_26

This week. Another week. I don't know if i'll make it, miggy

This last two days has taken its toll


The sun is shining but i haven't been out for a walk. From that respect, i'm still just, managing, to control my thoughts. Its safer inside today. Speaking to the ctn helped slightly. Without that, my thoughts just go out of control. But i feel like i'm a drain on their resources, and don't like to ring. They are only supposed to be short term care, and this feels neverending.

Its time to consider the court summons now. I've been told not to go, i know how much stress it will cause, and how i'll react to the stress, but there is, still, that 1% of me which says if i don't go, i can't stand up for what i feel is the injustice. I have to see another doctor there, anyway, so i might as well go to court first? Somehow i feel its the last fight before i give up completely. Hold my hands up, roll over, and say, what system? Maybe i think too much like a victim, but i don't have faith in anything, including myself.

ani_26

Just deleted that. What's the point in caring about stupid things

I give up

miggy

Don't try to do a week at once Ani... just do half an hour or better still ten minutes at a time. Living in the future's a bit of an illusion anyway because no one can do that, though we all try to.

Who advised against going to the Court? It might be good advice?

You aren't being a drain on the CTN resources - that's what they are there for.

{{{hugs}}}

ani_26

Ok. Managed to pull my self out of current downer. Did i? How did i do that? Gawd knows. Probably by being proactive. Yep. In the real world, i still feel nothing gets done if you don't do it yourself. Despite continuously being told the wheels are in place, but everything takes time.Too right.

I'm fed up of people telling me i'm strong and i'm intelligent. No, i'm bloody not. I sometimes wonder if they think i'm laying it on. Only i, know the answer to that. Of course, the answer is no. I've been through so many dark times. How can you describe when you get to the place you feel life is no longer worth living. How can i describe to anyone my ultimate plan. The one where there is definitely no return. Because it still exists. So what holds me back. I like to think, social conscience. Well, thats my excuse. I know, for sure, the impact it has on not just me, but other people. Innocent, normal, people. What is normal? Just what does it take to reach that point. So far, i've pushed my boundaries to extreme limits and survived. That last attempt maybe taught me alot about myself and my endurance, and other things i can't quite put into words. Or articulate, should i say. Maybe there are two parts of your brain. Survival v destruction? Is it a competition? Jeez

Aesop

Ani, I know you say that charity is in Ireland, but is it worth calling it anyway or email for support;?

ani_26

In the real world, when you're on your own, you're on your own. Which means you either don't wash yourself, your clothes, eat food, clean your home, pay bills, whatever needs to be done for day to day living, etc. No one else is going to do it for you. I don't expect anyone else to do it for me. But what about people who aren't as strong as me, or as intelligent? as me. Gawd help you. Shame i don't believe in gawd.

I feel i've made some progress this week. I've seen the psychiatrist and been discharged. Yeah, yeah, i know what i should be doing. I'm more than aware of all the methods of self help, after all, i do them when i'm able. What is able? No, no, i still don't believe in chemicals controlling your mind. Thankyou very much, but no thanks.

Against the useless? advice, i went to court. Knowing how emotional and stressful it would be, i still went. Doh. Ultimately, i'm glad i went. No one told me there would be a representative from the council there. Maybe they didn't actually know, themselves. Well i know now. A lesson learned. I didn't have to go into court, and now at least, maybe the council recognises the breakdown of communication, ( or ignoring of communication,) and will maybe look into what's been going on? Who knows. I only went, because i was experiencing an emotion. The emotion of being irate i have to pay court fees. I don't believe i have to pay court fees, now, so at least it was worth the emotional journey. Because the last time, ( and first ) time, i was in said court, was the court order for the repo of my house. I must admit, it was so emotional, i'm not exactly sure what happens now. I guess i'll have to wait an eternity to find out.

And ani. Ani has been back to the garage, twice. Can't seem to find anything wrong. I hope not. Thats a few months motoring until the insurance expires and i can no longer afford to insure ani. Took the roof off yesterday and had a blast. Something i've not done in a long time. Had a blast, that is. Driven ani to get pleasure. Only a small amount, because its like wearing an old sock. Never taken the roof off either, because i don't have time when i'm working. How bad is that? Insanity.


Work. I can't see me returning to my job, if ever. I'm realistic ( and sane ) enough to realise its taken me a very long time to reach this place, and its going to take me a very long time to crawl out of it. Sadly, although i don't like to acknowledge it, and although there are aspects of my job i still love, i think maybe its time to accept its never going to work. Being self employed isn't bringing a regular income and financial security. I cannot continue grinding myself into the ground. I've had no quality of life, for a very long time. What sort of quality of life do you get on benefits? I don't know, because i'm still not in receipt of benefits. I've still no idea how much i'll receive. For now, its living literally minute by minute, and i want / need to take the time to recover my sanity. Which will eventually mean, to me, walking. The scenery was so beautiful yesterday, and on a day like yesterday, it reminds me of the natural beauty of this area, ( not that i ever forgot it ), and i'm going to enjoy it whilst i can. Did i just say that?

ani_26

Aesop wrote: »

Ani, I know you say that charity is in Ireland, but is it worth calling it anyway or email for support;?

I'm being signed off from the ct this week, as they are only short term support, and to be fair, i don't know what i would have done without them. My sw has been off for almost two weeks, and with our total breakdown of any relationship, its going to be a long haul for me, in building trust in the system, and in them. I've only met them once, in all of this.

ani_26

Which leads me to think actually, nothing has changed on a practical level, in all this time, even though my emotions are more in balance, at the moment.

ani_26

Bit of a blow to my plan, today. I was going to do some gardening, and plant all these living things i've bought, but the weather has changed. Now what to do? I'm still struggling to contemplate actually living in this dwelling. Even though i've been here almost 3 months now, gawd is it that long? i still haven't finished unpacking, and i still, just can't face it. I suppose there's the answer. If you can't face it, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, do you?

I've got to stop spending money on plants, now. I've so many plants and bulbs, which have all been bought cheaply, it has to be said. Why am i so obsessed with gardening, which i hate, it could be said, alongside writing and diaries, which i also hate. I suppose i'm now spending money on things on which i haven't spent money, for a very long time, maybe in an attempt to put, me, first. Me and my welfare.What the hell's that when its at home? Maybe i should now accept your offer of your plants, miggy? I'm also obsessed with owning some lemon, scented, viola's. I saw some the other day, but drew a line at paying £4.50 for one small plant. I've looked everywhere, and on the tinernet, but no one has any stock. Maybe its the wrong time of year? I bought some more plants yesterday, and i've seen some more in the local shop, but at least they are cheap. Gawd, this has got to stop. This is so bad. Guilt about buying things i don't need. Thank gawd its only plants. If anyone has some lemon scented viola's they care to part with? One appreciative owner.




Just changed my mind. Just got a phone call and now i have to ring about my esa and wtc. This is when it makes me realise, that i'm not a normal human being at all, and it takes a superhuman effort to be able to function and cope. Wish me energy