Disagreement with OH...

Jane81

Hi All,

Nothing in any way catastrophic, but during conversations with my H2B about our plans for the wedding I have found that he cannot understand why I would want to wear anything other than a white dress. We are both fairly traditional in what we want the wedding to look like (he's talking about wearing a top hat! Which I think would be ace :T ) but he's kind of of the opinion that brides wear white dresses, end of.

This does make him sound a lot more confrontational and set in his ways than he is - he's actually a very sweet and easygoing guy. I haven't really pushed the issue, as I'm not sure how to word it without basically going "I want to wear purple and that's IT" - I suppose my issue is that, not being a believer in the whole 'the bride decides everything because it's her special daaay' way of thinking, I want decisions to be made jointly. I know that if I did stamp my feet he would back down but that's not how I want to deal with it. At the end of the day, he is entitled to have a say in how he wants things to be as much as I do. If he really was against my wearing anything other than white (well, cream ) then I would consider incorporating my love of all things purple elsewhere - it is a very minor thing in the grand scheme of things, so I could not allow myself to create conflict over something so trivial.

So, does anyone have any suggestions about how I could bring up the subject? Also, it would be interesting to hear how other people have resolved differing ideas between them and their OH to create something they both liked...

Ta all, sorry for the ridiculously long post!!

Kittendreich

Why not get some pics of dresses you like...mostly purple, but with a few you would consider in white(ish) and see what he thinks of them. He won't have seen your dress so it can still be surprise, but you can properly guage his reaction to the purple and see how much it means to each of you and decide from there...

I thought I would end up in a coloured dress (I'm very pale, and white was not appropriate for 'traditional' reasons too!), but when I went dress shopping with my mum (who was paying & wanted me in 'white') I was open to trying on anything and although if I had really wanted it she would have let me go with a colour the dress I fell for was a very, very dark, creamy ivory - so everyone was happy! I wear nothing pale in real life so couldn't imagine a whole dress...but then I don't tend to wear ballgowns either (!) - until you start trying on you don't know what will suit you.

On a soppy note - marriage is all about compromise so if you sense it is more important to him that you are in white (and by that I mean cream, ivory etc etc - I couldn't never really tell the difference - but traditional bridal colours) than it is for you to be in purple then do it for him. With purple flowers, accessories (you could have a purple wrap, shoes, embroidery etc), jewellery, BMs etc etc then you will still be surrounded by the colour while having a happy groom!

supa-girl

Personally I think this is a once in a lifetime thing and both the groom and bride should be able to choose what they want to wear (providing those ideas go together ). I would say it's right to agree/discuss/compromise on all other areas but on your own clothing, you should have what you want and so should he.

However when all is said and done, the day is about the commitment you are making to one another, not the other details so I would say don't have a big falling out about it........but DO have the dress YOU want, seriously I think you should.

SG

maggie111

I know exactly what you mean. My OH is very similar to yours - we're deciding lots of things together, he's a nice bloke and traditional about weddings, but happy to break with tradition where necessary. He has a similar thing about white dresses and he would be upset if I wore different.

We agreed that should I choose not to wear a white dress I must warn him. Ultimately I have made it clear he is entitled to wear whatever he wants to and feels comfortable in. And the same must apply for me.

I could go all feminist on your OH's !ss but at the end of the day I know you want him to look at you and think "wow!" not "oh no" so there is a balance.

Could you compromise?

bubbles0169

i would say to him, ive always had my idea of a dream dress and its really really differant to yours, would you be really unhappy if i wore what i wanted?
all im asking of my h2b is he wears a cravat that matches the rest of the wedding colours, hes not happy with the colour but hes coming round to it
were quite good at deciding other things together and having the same tastes

Jane81

maggie111 wrote: »

I know exactly what you mean. My OH is very similar to yours - we're deciding lots of things together, he's a nice bloke and traditional about weddings, but happy to break with tradition where necessary. He has a similar thing about white dresses and he would be upset if I wore different.

We agreed that should I choose not to wear a white dress I must warn him. Ultimately I have made it clear he is entitled to wear whatever he wants to and feels comfortable in. And the same must apply for me.

I could go all feminist on your OH's !ss but at the end of the day I know you want him to look at you and think "wow!" not "oh no" so there is a balance.

Could you compromise?

Love the dress! The bauble bouquet is brilliant - I love it when people do things a little differently!

I am thinking of compromises, such as a cream dress with purple edging around the hem or a purple lining (bit like yours, actually! ). The style I'm going for doesn't really lend itself to an underskirt though (think 1930s slinky evening dress), so it would be have quite a different effect from yours.

You have it exactly right with wanting my H2B to have the right reaction when he sees me for the first time - that moment when he turns to look at me as I walk down the aisle is very special, and one I am really looking forward to, so I don't want to ruin it by thinking "but is he disappointed with my dress?". That does kind of look ridiculous in print, as it seems so trivial, but it's important to me that he is as happy with how I look as I am.

I think I will find some pictures of dresses in both purple and white to show him and gauge his reaction. I'm kind of hoping that he is just surprised and hasn't questioned his initial reaction that wearing white is 'the done thing'.

maggie111

I would find many brides dresses in non-white colours to show him how gorgeous they can be, not just purple. With my OH I find he's a bit of a sheep If he knows other people are doing it too it makes him a bit more comfortable.

Try doing a couple of searches on here https://www.offbeatbride.com - which is where I found that pic

bigmomma051204

perhaps a purple sash on your dress with purple bouquet etc? Maybe purple fascinator if you arent having a traditional veil?

Best thing i reckon is to ask him outright if he would be really upset if u werent in "white"... I personall think a purple sash would go rather well with the style of dress you mentioned.... especially a pale lilac purple i think for that period style....

LEJC

I'm very traditional...and ended up with a pale pink dress...I never told my husband beforehand and to the best of my knowledge he seemed to like the finished effect!

Have you found the dress you like yet or is it just in your imagination ...my advice would be keep your options open..try on lots of styles and colours..you will know when you find the right one...if its purple or with accents of purple...go with it....

I dont think I know any couple who have argued on the wedding day over the choice of wedding dress colour...anybody else know of any....?...it could prove to be an interesting thread...!

missknixon

My OH is delighted that my dress isn't white! I went shopping with his sister and he was convinced I would let tradition overrule my head! Even as a child I used to colour my wedding dress doodles in red!

We have discussed everything and I think we have agreed so far! He has things he is not certain about but trusts me and the same with him!

Lirin

I wasn't overly fond of white dresses- my OH was a touch surprised, as he's traditional. Talked it over with him- I married him in emerald green, and he wore gold.