Letting go of a child

deedee71

"The bottom line is that one person is making life hell for their own child and how sad is that to deny your child the love of the other parent. "


Hi Chriszzz

The quote above from your previous post just sums it up completely. I don't understand how anyone can justify this. My children are suffering because of their own father's bitterness, he just refuses to allow them to share the love of both parents.

He can't understand that the sad and painful childhood they have now will have a huge influence on the adults they will become later on.

All we can do is be there, if not in person, in spirit at least.

LittleTinker

chriszzz wrote: »

Thank you guys for taking time to read and replying, this really has not been an easy decision.

Little tinker/galvanizersbaby, heretolearn My OH did not say to his son that he was letting him go, I was basically condensing it rather than go into it lengthily, they both spoke about the situation and although his son did not want to have no visit contact with his dad, he opened up to his dad about the problems he was facing each time he visited dad and the problems was causing him so much distress and because he can not talk openly to his mum, he felt it was too hard for him to carry on seeing dad, so rather than his dad pick him up every-other weekend, they both have agreed for now just to have contact via phone until he is able to see his dad without needing his mothers permission.

If it wasn't for the mothers hatred, this would never be happening, it is not his dad or myself that treat him as a 4yr old, his son can not do anything without mums say so, there is alot more to this case than I have exposed. The bottom line is that one person is making life hell for their own child and how sad is that to deny your child the love of the other parent.

You should also be aware that 14 year olds know how to manipulate their parents and have them believe anything they want.

Some of this might not be about the Mother, but just simply that the boy doesnt want to be tied to coming to see his Dad every other weekend.
He might feel that Dad will be upset or hurt......and so he makes up a sob story to cushion the blow.

To believe wholeheartedly everything that a son says without adding in a pinch of salt is always going to be detrimental to the family.

chriszzz

deedee71 wrote: »

"The bottom line is that one person is making life hell for their own child and how sad is that to deny your child the love of the other parent. "


Hi Chriszzz

The quote above from your previous post just sums it up completely. I don't understand how anyone can justify this. My children are suffering because of their own father's bitterness, he just refuses to allow them to share the love of both parents.

He can't understand that the sad and painful childhood they have now will have a huge influence on the adults they will become later on.

All we can do is be there, if not in person, in spirit at least.

I have a son to an ex and I quite simply would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship between my son and his dad, I love my son too much to do that to him, it doesn't matter what I think about his dad but I have no right to impose that on him and deny him that love from his dad.

I want my son to stand tall in his life and be confident that he has two loving parents to help him on his way to being a man.

I think because I feel so strong about letting children have the freedom to love and be loved by both parents that I have found it difficult to try and understand why some can not put their own personal feelings to one side for the sake of the children.

The damage these parents cause to their own children for the own selfish reasons is a sin.

I hope one day you have your will be back in your life....stress free.

chriszzz

LittleTinker wrote: »

You should also be aware that 14 year olds know how to manipulate their parents and have them believe anything they want.

Some of this might not be about the Mother, but just simply that the boy doesnt want to be tied to coming to see his Dad every other weekend.
He might feel that Dad will be upset or hurt......and so he makes up a sob story to cushion the blow.

To believe wholeheartedly everything that a son says without adding in a pinch of salt is always going to be detrimental to the family.

Hi,

We are aware that children can play parents up against each other, my OH has always stipulated that if ever there is a time that he doesn't want to come because he has other things to do that it would never be a problem, he has never not came unless he has a family event and there has never been a problem here because of it, he wants to come more but his mum wont let him.

So rather than diss believe him, we have to go with what he says or maybe put a question mark on it.

Make-it-3

You haven't said what the circumstances were for the split, or why the mother still harbors such hate towards your partner.

It's very sad that things have deteriorated to the point that no child feels comfortable in visiting their father and the girls have been actively encouraged to hate him too.

If your OH can maintain some contact with his son, without the mother interfering that's probably all that can be done.

The children involved are growing up now and thinking for themselves, maybe one day they will break away from their mother's control and want to know the 'other side of the story'. Perhaps with the visits ceasing things will calm down at home, now the mother feels she has won her battle. This may give the children all time to step back and reflect on why they are no longer part of their father's life.

chriszzz

Make-it-3 wrote: »

You haven't said what the circumstances were for the split, or why the mother still harbors such hate towards your partner.

The reason for their split was that the mother had met up with her oldest child's dad and started to have an affair with him and resulting in him having to leave the marital home.

Know one seems to be able to fathom it out why she harbors such hate, she is no longer with the eldest child's dad and has now settled with her partner of 5yrs.

The school found it strange why after all this time that my OH is brought up in conversation and why is her partner putting up with it, his son told us that his mum doesn't do these things while her partner is around, so from what we know, he hasn't got a clue to what she has been doing, his son said that his mum told her partner that my OH is a bad influence and a nasty person.

chriszzz

Sometimes we just don't have the power to do anything but hope that one day we will shine threw all this.

As for children playing parents off against one another, it doesn't make it right that we should believe all children do this and for as long as this has been going on.

In this situation it has been the mother who has interfered with visitation......not just visitation but anything that his father tries to do for him.

My OH has spoke to his son today to wish him a happy birthday, his son told his dad that his friend thinks it is sly on his dad, this tells me that he is starting to open up to others and one day soon he will realize just how much she has had control over him.

Maybe he will get the strength sometime soon to confront his mother.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and opinions.

RadoJo

It may be that the mother feels guilty about breaking up the home and is trying to compensate by turning that around onto your OH, which has resulted in a situation where she now believes the hype she started herself having stuck to it for so long. It's an awful situation for everyone to be in - is there any chance of your OH talking to his ex or even her current partner about how this situation is affecting the kids? I assume that you would have explored all these options initially, but if they could agree to some mediation or even just reducing the hostility it would benefit everyone involved.

I can't imagine that your OH's son is in any position to effect any change in his mother's attitude alone, but if your OH could reach out to her, even if she rejects any attempts to do so, it demonstrates to his son that he is making every effort he can to make improve his home life.

ajmoney

My OH left his marital home after years of emotional and verbal abuse from his wife. Initially he managed to keep a relationship with his sons, although it was strained. When they found out he was seeing me they stopped all contact. I know that they are with their mother so see any hurt she has gone through. She is quite happy that they have nothing to do with their dad. It tears him apart not being able to see his sons, he has not spoken to them for 5 and a half years! We live in hope that things will change and they will come back to him.

It is not an ideal situation and I would give anything for my OH to be happy and be able to see his children. I don't mind if they never accept me, I just want him to have that relationship with them again.

chriszzz

RadoJo wrote: »

It may be that the mother feels guilty about breaking up the home and is trying to compensate by turning that around onto your OH, which has resulted in a situation where she now believes the hype she started herself having stuck to it for so long. It's an awful situation for everyone to be in - is there any chance of your OH talking to his ex or even her current partner about how this situation is affecting the kids? I assume that you would have explored all these options initially, but if they could agree to some mediation or even just reducing the hostility it would benefit everyone involved.

I can't imagine that your OH's son is in any position to effect any change in his mother's attitude alone, but if your OH could reach out to her, even if she rejects any attempts to do so, it demonstrates to his son that he is making every effort he can to make improve his home life.

I think that is highly probable because they way she behaves is what you might hear what some women might do if her partner left her for another woman.

There is not a chance that my OH would speak to his ex it is too late for that,she has caused so much damage that he now feels it is only a matter of time when his son can make decisions for himself.