Separation help...

*UpsyDaisy*

I am calm, but i want things sorted as soon as possible.

I wouldnt badmouth him to my daughter, he's her father after all...

And i'm not trying to hurt him..

I just want myself, and my child, protected for if/when he misses a payment.

thats why i was asking about the CSA.

I have rent, (but will recieve some housing benefit towards that) council tax, gas, electric, water, phone, house insurance and tv license to pay for, and then food and other necessities.

graemecarter

*UpsyDaisy* wrote: »

Hiya.

In desperate need of help.

Im 21, Husbands 26, and we're separating after a year and a bit of marriage.

He's cheated on me many times, with a married woman he went to school with. All these times, telling me he was doing extra shifts at work.

And so he's gone, out of my house, back to live with his mum.

He's taken the car, and some personal belongings.

Now, he earns £1500 4 weekly after tax, i earn £350, with no chance of extra hours.

Had a look on CSA website to see what maintenance he should be paying. That says £52 a week. So £208 four weekly.

He's asked to do it voluntary, and not go through the CSA.
He's also given me a letter to sign, saying he'll pay that, and only that a month. There will be no more money for anything else.

Should i sign it? Or if i'll be getting same amount of money anyway, should i go through the CSA?

2nd thing.
We have a 2 year old daughter.
She'll be living with me, in my house, but i'm not sure how often he should see her, or is entitled to see her.

He's had her 4 days this week, as he's on holiday, but says in future, it has to be when he's free, and not when its convenient for me?

This is where i could do with some help...

Ty in advance.

I assume he has joint parental responsibility so he has the right to see her as much as yourself

tango

DON79 wrote: »

I would second going the CSA route, its all very well him promising xyz but six months down the line, he could just stop when he feels like it/change the amount as he pleases or use it as a tool to get his own way regards access etc.

Going through the CSA doesn't gaurentee money either..it can turn into nothing at all,when the man changes his job to self employed or stops working just so he doesn't have to pay...

Many men pay, alot pay nothing,the reality is you have to try to stand on your own two feet if possible..anything else is a benefit

gratefulforhelp_2

In terms of contact, he cannot see your daughter when it suits him. You need to agree together when he will have her, get it in writing and stick to it, unless you both agree to alternation.

In terms of the money, see a family law solicitor and don't sign anything. Avoiding the CSA is ok as a first step, if he is on PAYE and you are convinced he is declaring his income accurately. You can go to CSA if he defaults.

doom

tango wrote: »

The CSA route can backfire,creating difficulties that were not there in the first place..

Really curious about this ... difficulties like what?

kingfisherblue

I had a private agreement at first - it lasted six months before he decided that he couldn't afford to give me anything towards our children. I went to the CSA and it took four and a half years before I received anything - but I am now getting the maintenance monthly directly from his wages, plus arrears.

Despite this, the children see their dad every Saturday at his parents house. My daughter had a spell when she didn't want to see him, but that has passed now. She still doesn't spend much time with him, unlike her younger brothers, but she does see him a bit.

If he wants to see the children more than this, I don't usually have any objection, but I do object to very short notice and the expectation that I will adhere to his wishes.

Our biggest problem has been Christmas Day. He thinks he should have them for the whole day. I think that we should work together for the best outcome for the children, so I let him collect them in the morning (as early as he wants, but it's usually about 10am). I then pick them up at midday, as we drive to my sister's and spend the rest of the day there. This year, Christmas Day is a Saturday, which is his usual day for seeing the kids, so I'm going to suggest that I drop them off at midday and he can bring them home later - any time up to 9pm.

tango

doom wrote: »

Really curious about this ... difficulties like what?

If the father thinks he is paying too much or being ''forced'' to pay,it can make a already fragile ''relationship'',downright bitter and resentful.

A father should pay towards the upkeep and care of his children..but in my experience and others,that bitterness can make the father go out of his way to avoid paying anything,by not working at all,,because the ''CSA take too much''. Or the self employed route where they can declare as little earnings as they want.

The best way is to agree monies between the two people ,and only use the CSA if really needed. Also the CSA struggle with so many cases,my experience is that they just cannot cope

Jinx

When I split with my ex, I initially involved the CSA, however the payments were all over the place making budgeting very difficult. After a few years we decided he would pay me direct and the CSA agreed to this but left my file open so that in the event of him NOT paying, they could then step in. Additionally my maintenance money did not increase at all, ever. So for 14 years I got the same amount each week - I guess I could have asked for it to be reviewed but sometimes its not worth it for a few quid.

Re the access, I think what the ex is trying to convey is that he will not necessarily have the child to suit you, for example if you work full time when the child is at school he will not have a fortnight off at your convenience to help cover the summer holidays. My ex and I had years of arguments over this... Basically you cant force him to turn up. And be prepared - if you have a night out planned and so does he and its his turn to have the munchkin, guess who will have to arrange the babysitter and/or cancel their night out?

My advice would be to plan your life and childcare as if he doesnt exist. Then if you get the childcare arrangements sorted and settled you can adjust. While you should be able to rely on him 100% cos its his child, he may (or perhaps im doing a disservice) be influenced by holidays with his mates, nights out or a new girlfriend..... You CAN do this, trust in yourself and allow your family and friends to be supportive...