Separation help...

*UpsyDaisy*

Hiya.

In desperate need of help.

Im 21, Husbands 26, and we're separating after a year and a bit of marriage.

He's cheated on me many times, with a married woman he went to school with. All these times, telling me he was doing extra shifts at work.

And so he's gone, out of my house, back to live with his mum.

He's taken the car, and some personal belongings.

Now, he earns £1500 4 weekly after tax, i earn £350, with no chance of extra hours.

Had a look on CSA website to see what maintenance he should be paying. That says £52 a week. So £208 four weekly.

He's asked to do it voluntary, and not go through the CSA.
He's also given me a letter to sign, saying he'll pay that, and only that a month. There will be no more money for anything else.

Should i sign it? Or if i'll be getting same amount of money anyway, should i go through the CSA?

2nd thing.
We have a 2 year old daughter.
She'll be living with me, in my house, but i'm not sure how often he should see her, or is entitled to see her.

He's had her 4 days this week, as he's on holiday, but says in future, it has to be when he's free, and not when its convenient for me?

This is where i could do with some help...

Ty in advance.

ellay864

You don't need to go through the CSA and many advise not to. I was told to steer clear and we sorted it out ourselves but my ex was quite generous initially and paid a lot more than CSA would have asked. When we divorced we went through mediation and that was something discussed there. but you need to consider if you think he'll get unreasonable. If he's making no allowances for pay rises, for inflation, for you lsoing income etc etc you could be stuck.
I do think he's being unreasonable about seeing your daughter. he has responsibility as a parent, not just to do some childcare when it suits him. That's appalling. My ex saw our 2 every other weekend, and when they were small also one evening midweek. he also had them approx half of all the school holidays. I can understand why some women end up refusing to let their exes see their kids when there's men who just seem to think they can pick up and drop their responsibility when it suits them. Do you get on with his parents/siblings? can you speak to them about this?

loopy-loo73

Hi,

If it was me, i'd go through the csa as you will then have a record of all payments & also any missed payments.

As for only seeing your daughter when it suits him, i think it needs to be stable and so regular or she will get confused.

just my opinion, i'm sure lots of others will give theirs soon

good luck
lou x

Charlie1978

My! He sounds like a real catch!

Okies... first off i'd go through the CSA if I were you. Get it all done and dusted and let them sort it out. This guy cheated on you, the mother of his child - you're seriously going to trust him in any other way??? Yeah right!

I'm very much a fan of parenting being a two way street but i'm slightly narked at his 'not when its convenient for me?' comment. How does HE want it?? Oh yeah right... when it is convenient for HIM!!! Silly me!!! :rolleyes:

Let's just get one thing straight... although you're not going to stop him seeing his daughter you are also NOT a door post! STOP letting him walk all over you and put your foot down. He WILL see your daughter when it is convenient for you AND him. There MUST be compromise on BOTH sides for this to work. He needs to get off his high horse and stop pulling all the shots. Because my dear... YOU hold all the cards.

Until or IF he takes you to court for access to your daughter - he's entitled to whatever you say he's entitled to. Don't forget that! It's not a weapon to be used... but you're not sat there totally defenceless against this pitiful excuse of a man.

Gosh he's made my blood boil!

emsywoo123

I have no idea about any of this, but I just wanted to send some hugs.

Personally, I would go through CSA rather than a private arrangement. I see no advantage in it being private for you, unless I am missing something that someone else knows.

I am single and 31 weeks pregnant. Baby's father has said he is not bothered whether I want to do CSA or private, but I have chosen the CSA route.

nsimpson123

Hi UpsyDaisy,
I really feel for you , I am to going through the same at the moment, so I know how you feel,

Firstly do not sign the letter!
How does he expect you and your daughter to live on a little over £500 per month when he will have approx £1300 to himself?? Do you have a mortgage - is he going to contribute towards that or your rent to keep a roof over his daughters head??

You can get a free consultation with a solicitor to get some legal advise if you dont want to go through the csa - which I have so far avoided doing -and it really did help me find out what I was entitled to, also you need to contact the tax credits people and they will increase your child and working tax credits, mine was sorted out really quickly after I phoned them, also your council tax can be reduced when there is only one adult living in the house.

Hugs
Nicky x

tango

The CSA route can backfire,creating difficulties that were not there in the first place..

It is very hard to think straight when you have just split up. Writing everything down in a diary is an idea, write all the bad and good stuff and make notes of any problems and monies received.

I would say do not sign anything about not getting extra you don't know how his or your circumstances will change.

Agree a reasonable amount maybe have somebody neutral with you when you do this, and make sure you write in your diary what you recieve if different. If he starts to mess you about with maintance then maybe go to the CSA/ solicitor

Re your daughter you can only try to enforce regular contact,if he keeps missing contact then deal with that then.

Do not how ever tempted slag him of to her,it will become a downward spiral and is very negative to her and you.

Time will tell if he meets the mark as a father and you can only do so much

Remember you have your house and your daughter..maybe look at ways of earning more money

Good luck x

property.advert

I would advise to wait and remain calm but insist that your daughter is taken care of financially. However, if you force the issue and rush into things, such as the CSA, you open Pandora's box and very really risk long term resentment.

You are hurt but trying to hurt him back will not be a good long term basis for an ongoing relationship, which your child needs.

emsywoo123

property.advert wrote: »

I would advise to wait and remain calm but insist that your daughter is taken care of financially. However, if you force the issue and rush into things, such as the CSA, you open Pandora's box and very really risk long term resentment.

You are hurt but trying to hurt him back will not be a good long term basis for an ongoing relationship, which your child needs.

How is going to the CSA trying to hurt him back?

DON79

I would second going the CSA route, its all very well him promising xyz but six months down the line, he could just stop when he feels like it/change the amount as he pleases or use it as a tool to get his own way regards access etc.

Emmzi

CSA. I cannot imagine why he would want a letter saying "this and no more ever!" when it is for his own flesh and blood.

Something very very odd is going on in his head and you need protecting from it!