Relationship or Children?

JWM

Although I genuinely believe that children need two parents, it won't be the end of the world if you decide to go it alone. The arguments re men having rights re whether or not they become a father are complex (and not for here). One good parent is far better than two uninterested, unhappy ones.

10 years ago I would have said - 'You don't need a child, stick with your man', but being older, wiser and seen good friends dumped by 'the love of their life' I would say consider YOUR desires first, and if that’s a baby then go for it. It might not happen, but at least you would have tried. If you don't I think you will resent your partner for 'stopping' you being a Mum.

I'm 40, have a wonderful son, a not so wonderful husband but that’s OK, my boy is everything and gives us both so much love and happiness. I also have a good friend who meet her dream man aged 25, acquiesced to his desires not to have a baby, and was dumped by him aged 41 for a younger woman, who was pregnant 3 months later. I'm not saying your partner will do that of course, just giving an example.

Other female friends who 'choose' a career or a man over a baby are so unhappy now its too late, although I also know several women who are more than content being childless. Only you know what’s in your head.

Good luck with whatever you decide, its such a dilemma for you. I wish you all the best.

helen_vasey

the question you have to ask yourself is: if you stay together and in a few years he goes off with someone, usually younger, and has another family, how would you feel? I'm not saying that this will happen , but it has been known, if you definitely want to have a child, you must stress this to him, if he loves you, he will be happy for you to have one, otherwise it is incredibly selfish of him to deny you this chance, if getting pregnant by him would end the relationship, which is more important to you? could you cope a single mum? if you need a child more than a relationship, there are ways to have one. I speak as a mum of a 16 yr old, I am 40 and the thought of having another child horrifies me, if my hubby really wanted another I honestly don't know what I would do, apart from give him a diy vasectomy! men have it so easy, they can father children forever, but they can be so selfish, my friend's hubby said for 10 years that he didn't want kids, after which time, he went off with a younger model and got her pregnant within 3 months! she is now late 30's with little chance of having a child, even though she would have loved to, she qiute rightly feels totally betrayed as she just went along with him for all those years. perhaps you need to speak to a counsellor, to find out what you really want.

catkins

A lot of the posters seem to be saying if you do not have a baby you will resent your OH. But what if you have a baby and do not stay with your OH and maybe do not meet anyone else. Then when your child is older and leaves home (maybe moves abroad) will you resent your child because you do not have a partner to grow old with and love?

I know I speak from a different viewpoint because I do not have children but if you have found the person you love how can having a child be more important? You may never meet anyone you feel the same way about and do you want to settle for second best just so you can have a child?

A lot of people never find "the right one" and judging from some of the replies on here I would say a lot of posters have not found "the right one". To say after you have a child you would choose the child before your OH to me is an awful and sad thing to say. Also to say if he loved you he would have a baby with you - well surely if you love him you can accept not having a baby? Surely it works both ways.

I do realise this is not an easy situation and I have known a couple of friends in the same dilemma. One male friend divorced his wife because she did not want children and he did. He then married another woman who had his baby but a year later they split up and he hardly ever gets to see his child. I know he wishes he had stayed with his first wife as he did truly love her.

kittykate_2

Why should you sacrifice your wishes for him? and why should he sacrifice his for you? If you both feel so strongly about it then maybe you two aren't meant to be.

Ask yourself this.... Could you live the rest of your life knowing that you missed the chance to have a child and not blame your partner for that? The answer will tell you what you need to do.

good luck hun

rchddap1

Now here I can comment. My partner loves kids. He's always wanted to have one with me...but I wasn't too sure. What he said to me was that it was my decision. If I wanted kids, fine. If I didn't, fine. (Note: I'm now 7-8 months pregnant). It was my choice entirely and he just wanted to be with me. He'd have accepted my decision if I'd have said I never wanted kids.

Because of how much he loved me he waited quite a few years until I felt I was getting there. Never really got there, but decided that I'd see how things go. Now I wouldn't swop my little bean for all the tea in china. She's at the top of my list...way above my partner in priorities. Which is just the way it should be.

If having kids is that important to you then you need to make sure that you partner understands that. My partner always use to say to me that he didn't want me to miss out on the joys of having a little monster around. Having a 2 year old nephew helped me realise what he meant.

Also note that my partner is on the wrong side of 30...and heading towards 40. He knows it could be hard later on, but don't care. There are many older parents around today, but at the end of the day it all boils down to what is most important to you. Afterall you could always use donated swimmers.

Edit: Oh....and a good relationship is about give and take, and teamwork. My partner was happy to forget about having more kids because of me....and I was happy (eventually) to give it a try because of my love for him, despite all my worries and fears.

wigginsmum

I approached this kind of situation from the other side. DH wanted kids (had 2 from a previous marriage), I didn't. I always made it clear from the word go that I didn't want children under any circumstances, but because he was so keen I said I would take 6 months to seriously consider it.

I took those 6 months and it confirmed for me how adamant I was that I didn't want kids. I was prepared for him to dump me over it. However he accepted it with good grace, and 8 years later has said he's grateful now that we didn't choose to have kids and that they would have been the kiss of death for our relationship.