Relationship or Children?

laughing_cow

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kate1976

First off hugs to you!

I have no idea what to suggest but only you can make the decision of whether sacrificing the relationship would be best if kids are really what you want!

I'm sort of seeing somebody at the moment (it's complicated on and off) and last week he basically told me that he could never be in love with me as I don't want anymore kids and he wants them desperately (I have a son already) So although I'm totally gutted but I do understand why he said it and now it's just a matter of time before he flies off to be with someone who will bear his children!!

My friend had a similar situation to yours and she chose the relationship, she's still with him but she has confessed to feeling a little resentment to him as she really wanted kids but she's happy enough to be auntie and godmother!

I hope you can find the solution to your dilemma, I could post you my 11 year old [STRIKE]monster[/STRIKE] angel if that helps, he may sway your decision!!:D

Good luck and don't let it wear you down too much!

pinkparrott

Hi I am new to this site, but thought i'd share my situation. I am 29 and my Hubby is 49 and he has 2 children and didnt want any more however I said how importnant it was to me and he agreed. We now have a beautiful 7 month old son and its the best thing that ever happened to me. I think you will eventually resent him and this may cause the relationship to break down anyway.

However I have a friend who also has just had a baby recenlty and her husband also didnt want kids and he was annoyed when she got pregnant and has been totally unsuportive since that baby was born. However she also has admitted to me that knowing what she knows know she would choose her baby over the hubby any day!

Before you have kids its possible that you woould choose the relationship but once you have had a child you would choose having kids every time. I think

But obviously that just my own opinion and dont want to force that on you.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

llh189

I was in a very similar situation a while ago, I'm nearly 32, my partner was 40, he had child from a previous relationship, very happy close relationship with his son, I never made any secret of my desire to have a family and he for a while agreed, until push came to shove. We then had lots of discussions about when to come of the pill and there was always "lets wait for this" or " I am really busy until.......".

We then did finally sit down and talk about it N. then confessed that he didn't want to start again, his son was 8 great age little more independent but still needs his dad, no sleepness nights and every other week end off, he didn't want to be a fulltime parent to an 18 year when he was pushing 60. I did all the " age is a state of mind", it would be different this time around, his son would love a brother or a sister but in time I realised that this was a fruitless exercise, I then had a few stark choices ( some of which were suggested to me):

1) Accidentily on purpose get pregnant, the old he loves you and would get used to it in time - not an option for me, don't / didn't want what should be one if the happiest times of my life to come out of something so deceitful and would have led to breakdown of relationship anyway.

2) Do the above anyway and be a single parent, have no problem with single mums and some great friends who are but not a choice that I wanted to make, wanted a happy loving two parent family ( fairytale I know but still wanted to give it a proper go)

3) Stay with him and forego having a family

4) Leave him

In the end I knew that if I stayed and tried to push my desire to have a family to one side would mean that I ended up resenting him and even worse his son (who is lovely), we therefore took the painful decision to break up, it was very hard, at felt at the time as if my life was coming to an end and completely unexpected by our family and friends.

Life on my own is ok, we are still friends and I am adjusting to being single, I am still hoping to meet someone new, fall in love and have a family.

I do in the middle of the night when I am feeling a little lonely think we should have stayed together, I could have coped without having my own baby but I know in the cold light of day that in the end I would have been eaten a way by the resentment and our relationship would have died anyway.

My advice would be to really weigh up how much having a baby really means to you, it was the hardest thing that I have ever done, every day I feel a little better, although being a singleton is scary I do know that even if I never have a baby I still did the right thing by giving myself the chance to fulfil my dreams

HTH

Lisa

pinkpie

Just wanted to say that I think you are very brave Lisa - I felt very moved reading the above and imagining how hard that choice must have been - hope it works out well for you.

inkie

I remember my DH before we got married saying that he didn't want kids - but after 3 years of marriage he had changed his mind and i was preg with DD1.

The other thing to consider of course, is that if you do leave him - you arn't giving yourself much time to find someone else and settle down with them to start having a family.

Sazbo

There's no easy answer to this. Lisa's right though - you need to decide how important having children is to you. That will define your course of action really, and will sustain you in the times ahead, whatever you decide.

I found myself in a similar situation. Basically had to resign myself to never having children of my own because I left it too late and then found myself in a relationship with someone who didn't want any more children. Having said that, in my twenties and early thirties I didn't feel I wanted children, it was only as my thirties drew on I began to have serious second thoughts, which was painful and upsetting, to put it mildly. I really don't know how much of that was me genuinely changing my mind, or how much was hormonally driven by the 'ticking clock'. Maybe a bit of both, but I'll never really know I suppose.

Anyway, have a bit of a think about what your priority is. Take care!

Sazx

Showmethemoney_5

Do what you feel is right however do not sacrifice your own wants for another. You'll never be happy otherwise. If it was me....I would opt for children no questions asked. And if he really loved you he would understand...wouldn't he? I suppose it's about compromise but I know what I would do...probably leave. I wouldn't want to live a life with regret and without children.

Good luck....

kittykat100

I am in sooooo the same position. I didn't want kids with my XH because I didnt love him and knew I wouldn't be with him forever. I me the love of my life and my soulmate. We have been together for 3 years, only problem.... he has 2 kids. He did say that he didn't want any more kids but never say never. I have been through the 'whats wrong with my genes? why ok to have kids with XW? whats wrong with me?' It has been tearing me apart for the last few months and I still have no resolution. I don't know honestly if I want them or if its just the body clock kicking in (im 36).
I can totally sympathise with your feelings and I know it doesn't help, but it might help to know there are other people like you out there.
Take care.

laughing_cow

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elljay20

Oh, i feel so sorry for you all. I honestly think that you need to prioritize. Maybe you're oh thinks that you wouldn't leave him and therfore it doesn't worry him or sway his desicion.
When i fell pregnant my oh didn't want me to keep it.. Then about six weeks before i was due he told me he didn't love me anymore, could never love me again and wanted me to leave. I was devastated and begged him to reconsider. He was adamant and said he would support our child and he was sure he would "grow to love her". In the end i said i was going nowhere till i'd given birth. when after giving birth i started to look for somewhere to live he was horrified. We are still together 2 and a half years later and things are better than they've ever been. we're very much in love and he's an excellent father to our daughter.
The thing is pregnacy can be very scary for men and my situation shows that they can change their minds.
I wish you all the best, i know it's not an easy decision to make.