Fall out with best friend

homeworkgirl

meritaten wrote: »

fgs - he wont even let her out of his sight for ONE evening a week, or a month? that aint normal for ten year old boys - Its an awful thought but i DO have to ask it - is it his mums company he craves or does he NOT like being alone with his dad for some reason (and perhaps you can guess the reason I am thinking of?).

He has always craved a lot of attention from his Mum, there was always a very strong bond between them, but I always thought he was far too demanding of her time. No problem with the dad at all, they got on very well and the dad is a lovely gentle man.

epsilondraconis

If you think your child is also old enough, how about making the music event a family event where both your friend's family and your family go out together. You can then arrange another 'girlie night' where it is just the two of you doing something else.

VK-2008

is there maybe something going on with your friend at home, the oh does not wish too look after child, the father abusing child, i dont know
maybe try sticking with it a wee while
yes its good for adult time but just seems a bit wierd
maybe your friends son is not getting the right attention at home

just trying to look at it from a different perspective

on the other hand if the kids is being a brat the woman needs to pull herself together

homeworkgirl

mountainofdebt wrote: »

But at the same time you aren't compromising either.

I don't know what sort of music club it is but if my friend basically said my son couldn't go somewhere where he had specifically asked to go to, then - provided the son was enjoying the experience and not mucking around - I would be wary of continuing the friendship as well.

Sounds as if you got more out of these girlie nights than your friend did but if you want a once-a-month girlie night why not go out for a meal

I never said he couldn't go anywhere. Although children are allowed in, there are never any there as this type of club (C & W) usually just attracts adults, hence the odd bit of bad language here and there. Also it was held on a week night and did not finish until after 11pm by which time he had usually fallen asleep. I would not have taken my daughter even if she had asked as I feel its too late when she has school the next day....also she did not want to go as it was all adults.

mountainofdebt

homeworkgirl wrote: »

I never said he couldn't go anywhere. Although children are allowed in, there are never any there as this type of club (C & W) usually just attracts adults, hence the odd bit of bad language here and there. Also it was held on a week night and did not finish until after 11pm by which time he had usually fallen asleep. I would not have taken my daughter even if she had asked as I feel its too late when she has school the next day....also she did not want to go as it was all adults.

What I said was if a friend told me I couldn't bring my son to something that he had asked to go to, and I was happy for him to go, then I wouldn't want to go either with the friend.

It sounds as if you both want different things and perhaps the friendship has run its course?

Violetta_2

How about suggesting you 2 do something else girly & see if she fancies that, I really wouldn't turn the son thing into an issue, I wouldn't be too impressed with a friend doing that to me. As for the swimming & aerobics thing in the past, I don't think I'd be the only 1 to admit to being all enthusiastic re something like that for the first couple of week's & then ditching it cos I'm a lazy moo.
Bit alarmed that someone can put 2 & 2 together and think the lad might be being abused, seem's like a bit of a leap to me.
Is it a good friendship otherwise?

meritaten

sorry but my alarm bells are ringing! is this kid happy to go to school, after school activities, do you think he hangs around mum when dad isnt there? think about this - he may well love his dad just not want to be alone with him.
it sounds strange to me that he prefers to spend time in a C &W music session that on his own with his dad.
you may think that his dad is lovely and gentle - but you dont live there do you? you dont KNOW what goes on in the house.

you say the dad is happy about babysitting - but the child isnt? for those who say its a leap to suspect abuse - it isnt a leap - more of a first step! because for a ten year old to prefer to attend country and music sessions with mum - than stay with a dad who is enthusiastic about 'bonding' sessions, then something is wrong.

LittleTinker

homeworkgirl wrote: »

My best friend and I have been friends for over 30yrs and I cannot believe that we have fallen out after all this time but we have and I would like your honest opinions on the situation.

Basically, we both started going to a music club once a week whilst our husbands looked after our children (we both have only one child and they are the same age). We both agreed how lovely it was to go out on our own like we used to and referred to it as "our girlie night". This went on for about 2 yrs and I really enjoyed these evenings out but suddenly my friend's 10yr old son asked if he could go along one night and from then on she started taking him along most weeks. I gently reminded her that it was supposed to be our girlie night but she said if he asked to go she couldnt really say no. I was upset that she hadn''t even asked how I felt about him going along in the first place and secondly because although I love the boy to bits, I wanted to be child free for one night a week. I also work with children all day. When it became obvious that she was not prepared to back down on it, I suggested a compromise as I didnt want to lose her friendship after so many years. However, I was totally devastated when she turned around and said I had made her choose between her son and myself and if he wanted to go every week he could and I could please myself what I did about it.

I am so hurt because she is refusing to compromise at all, I even suggested that she go with me just once a month as a last resort to save the friendship but she just refuses to budge at all. I dont want to lose the friendship but I dont think I have it in me to back down on this either as I feel very strong about it. What do you think I should do? I have not heard from her since.

It sounds to me that it was a friendship based on how you wanted things to be and that you seem incapable of keeping up the friendship going because YOUR night out is ruined and its YOU who cannot compromise.

Do you really want your friend to say no to her son going along? Would that make you a good friend to her then?

In this day and age for a 10 year old child to want to go to a music club I can only say it ought to be welcomed and embraced.

I think you have been quite selfish in this matter and your friend must be feeling extremley hurt.

mikey72

I think families change everybody, so maybe it is time to move on from your friend.
And I'd be more worried about his mother take him out to a room full of unknown adults, and keeping him out so late he falls asleep on a school day, rather than worry about his father.

Doozergirl

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Things do change and if she fancies her son coming and he wants to then I'd personally find it hard to say no to him just because my friend wanted 'me' time.People commit to things like swimming, aerobics, gym memberships and lapse all the time. I wouldn't judge my friendship against that because I'm just as likely to lapse at this sort of thing as anyone else! It's just that the routine is changing, that's all. I certainly wouldn't let something this pointless jeopardies a lifetime of friendship. I have good friendships where I rarely see my friends without our children - it doesn't lessen my enjoyment of my time with them. And I like to have time away from the kids too, but it doesn't have to be with the same person at the same time every single week.

I don't think it's fair to judge the mother son relationship. He is getting older, if he wants to go and she doesn't mind it then whilst I understand why it would disappoint you a bit I don't understand why you would try to push her to spend time alone with you every week. It's a bit needy and selfish - tbh my son is ten and if we're in the same place he's not generally interested in my conversation anyway! I can still have a good old chin wag and in all honesty he doesn't cramp my style at this age when we're out. He's doing his own thing.

I'd find a different activity/day/friend for adult time, tbh in addition to that night or alternate what I was doing if time without children were that important. No big deal. My friendship would be much more important than time alone together. The only person that gets to demand that of me or that I would ever demand it of would be my husband!