Fall out with best friend

homeworkgirl

My best friend and I have been friends for over 30yrs and I cannot believe that we have fallen out after all this time but we have and I would like your honest opinions on the situation.

Basically, we both started going to a music club once a week whilst our husbands looked after our children (we both have only one child and they are the same age). We both agreed how lovely it was to go out on our own like we used to and referred to it as "our girlie night". This went on for about 2 yrs and I really enjoyed these evenings out but suddenly my friend's 10yr old son asked if he could go along one night and from then on she started taking him along most weeks. I gently reminded her that it was supposed to be our girlie night but she said if he asked to go she couldnt really say no. I was upset that she hadn''t even asked how I felt about him going along in the first place and secondly because although I love the boy to bits, I wanted to be child free for one night a week. I also work with children all day. When it became obvious that she was not prepared to back down on it, I suggested a compromise as I didnt want to lose her friendship after so many years. However, I was totally devastated when she turned around and said I had made her choose between her son and myself and if he wanted to go every week he could and I could please myself what I did about it.

I am so hurt because she is refusing to compromise at all, I even suggested that she go with me just once a month as a last resort to save the friendship but she just refuses to budge at all. I dont want to lose the friendship but I dont think I have it in me to back down on this either as I feel very strong about it. What do you think I should do? I have not heard from her since.

geri1965_2

It sounds as if she doesn't have much choice in the matter for some reason. If she brings her child along, why not bring yours and then they can keep each other company while you and her have a chat? I understand you wanting a child-free evening but that's not on her agenda right now. Do you have any other friends you can have child-free time with?

Plans_all_plans

Sorry, a 10 yr old in a nightclub? Can you clarify? How does he get past the bouncers?!

I would be annoyed that my nights out were effectively ruined too, but I would just say that the compromise of once a month is fair enough and find new friends to go with for the other 3 weekends.

Some people are far too OTT when it comes to their letting their kids do exactly what they want and your friend seems to be one of these. If she sees it as having to choose between you and her son, then her son is always going to win.

red_devil

geri1965 wrote: »

It sounds as if she doesn't have much choice in the matter for some reason. If she brings her child along, why not bring yours and then they can keep each other company while you and her have a chat? I understand you wanting a child-free evening but that's not on her agenda right now. Do you have any other friends you can have child-free time with?

kind of agree i dont think she is going to go against her son from what you have said. Maybe things dont stay the same for ever.

geri1965_2

red_devil wrote: »

kind of agree i dont think she is going to go against her son from what you have said. Maybe things dont stay the same for ever.

They don't stay the same for ever, and it sounds as if the OP is investing a lot of emotion into one particular friendship and should perhaps be broadening her horizons.

lilac_lady

A 10 year old child dictating or her using him as an excuse to end the nights out?

Plans_all_plans

Sorry, I've just re-read the OP and realise it's not a nightclub but a 'music club', so obv it's not drunken debauchery going onto all hours with a 10 yr old kid in the middle of it!

Also, I note that she's not willing to compromise on the once a month thing, so I dont know what I'd do really. I'd be fairly cross too. Is everything alright with her husband? Was he not happy to look after his son while she went out?

homeworkgirl

Thank you all for your helpful replies. I have been thinking about this a lot and suddenly remembered that there were two other occasions a few years before when my friend cancelled things without good reason when the children were smaller. We started going swimming once a week and she cancelled that, then another time we went to aerobics and she stopped going because he said he (the son) didnt want her to go out. On both those occasions I just went along with it and didnt say anything, though I was obviously disappointed. Her husband had no problems looking after the boy as he saw it as their quality time together.

I am so upset over this, especially the fact that she seems set to throw away a 30yr friendship rather than come to a compromise.

meritaten

fgs - he wont even let her out of his sight for ONE evening a week, or a month? that aint normal for ten year old boys - Its an awful thought but i DO have to ask it - is it his mums company he craves or does he NOT like being alone with his dad for some reason (and perhaps you can guess the reason I am thinking of?).

meritaten

if this appears twice - its because i seem to have lost the first reply and had to type another.

its not normal for a 10yr old boy to be so clingy to his mum that he objects to one night a week or indeed a month for her to go out. i have to wonder if its his mum he craves being with - or does he not want to stay alone with his dad (its an awful thought but there is one good reason to my mind he wont want to be alone with him), and mum may suspect but not want to rock the boat prefering instead to keep son with her.

I just HATE it when martin loses a post then puts it back just when i post another!

mountainofdebt

But at the same time you aren't compromising either.

I don't know what sort of music club it is but if my friend basically said my son couldn't go somewhere where he had specifically asked to go to, then - provided the son was enjoying the experience and not mucking around - I would be wary of continuing the friendship as well.

Sounds as if you got more out of these girlie nights than your friend did but if you want a once-a-month girlie night why not go out for a meal