My impending divorce and life so far update

con_fused

Hi all

Not sure if anyone will remember my posts about my breakup with my husband in March this year. He said he wanted children after us both saying from day dot that neither of us wanted them. We had numerous problems as well but were due to go to Relate in April, I had trust issues...there were also a lot of people on here who wondered if he was seeing someone else as he was staying out a lot at night. Even I suspected he might be seeing the girl from work. I got upset on one particular occasion and said I felt like she was moving in on him and he said nothing. Not even a 'Don't be silly hun'. That was what really did it for me, amongst other things.

We didn't go to Relate in the end as he bailed. I went on my own to try and get some closure but was difficult to without him there. He threw a strop saying it wouldn't make me want kids so that was when my anger took over and I concentrated on buying what I needed and moving out.

I moved out at the end of April and at the beginning of June I found out they were together. Not that the spineless sh*t told me...no, he let me find out by amending some flights to Spain for a wedding that WE were meant to be going to. But because I had arranged the flights, I got the email with her name on. He knew I would get the email as I had had to amend the details for something else and forward the email to him. I was livid but I guess even then I could not prove that they had been seeing each other before we split, but I'd had reasons to believe this from his behaviour before we separated and the way he defended her when she made a joke of us divorcing :mad:

Well, I found out last week that he was definitely seeing her before we split. Friends from the local pub we used to go to told me that they had been in a few times and he'd been acting all c*cky. They said that no one had wanted to tell me - I understand this. They were put in an awkward position and I don't blame them.

I am, however, very angry. I know it will probably take time to let go of this anger but I just feel like 'How dare he do that to me'. I'm not saying I'm a gorgeous bombshell but I have enough self-worth to not blame myself for his cheating and I feel that I deserved better than to be treated like that. He should have grown some balls and told me. I wonder if the children issue was to call my bluff? This girl has no mind of her own and agrees with everything he says - I think he likes these ego boosts. I knew her for a few years and she came to my hen do. Not one person I have spoken to who knows both of us has a good word to say about him, or her for that matter.

Coupled with this, he recently sent me, what I thought was a manipulative text, about a party which our joint friends were going to. He said that him and his g/f were going and that he didn't want 'other people' feeling awkward. I replied saying that 'other people' would have to deal with it - I know it's not about other people but about HIM feeling awkward. I don't think he has the balls to face me. I couldn't make the party anyway but I'm not going to be pushed out by him.

Just wanted to get people's views on me dealing with all these feelings. I am still seeing my counsellor which has been such a great help but I go from feeling sad about our break up (I know this will take time) to feeling so angry I could hit him.

When I text him to say the Absolute would be issued by mid-September he merely replied with 'Christ that's taking a long time isn't it'. He is either making light of this because he can't handle it, or he really doesn't give a sh*t. And that hurts and makes me angry/sad as well

If anyone has any words of wisdom it would be appreciated. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotion at the moment.

Thanks

NAR

Good to see your inner strength coming through in dealing with some of the issues. You are quite right not to be intimidated by him.

Two issues- one is his patheticness not to be truthful. Confirms what sort of a person he is and not the sort of person you want to be married to I'm sure. Secondly the hurt and anger you feel and that will probably take some time to subside. But you will have to move on and not let this ruin the rest of your life. If not this could eat away at you for a long time to come and make you depressed and bitter, neither of which I'm sure you want to be. Good luck for the future.

ticklepenny_2

to be honest from you post you are so much better off without him hun, however I understand that feelings are complex and only time will really heal any wounds.

Taking some time out and being selfish doing things that you may not have done whilst together: do a course, travel. thats how I got over a horrible break up in the past. I took a month off work and caught the train round europe stoppping in Hostels and loved it, however I know this isnt everyones cup of tea.

Whatever it is just start rebuilding yourself, and yaboo to the rest of the world.

Brighton_belle

OP, it is always interesting to hear follow ups though I'm sorry your suspicions were confirmed. And although you are not together, I quite understand your anger/hurt emotions at being treated so shabbily.
I think you work through it all in time, aided by the counselling. It is good to achknowledge hurt feel anger - shows you have good sense of self worth. Gradually you will have more and more positive experiences that you wouldn't have had if still with him and what he did will become less and less important.

NEH

Ditto to what others have said....

I would also take this time to get to know you, daft as it sounds...People when in a relationship tend to get into a mindset tht includes both people, which isn't wrong but when that relationship goes it's god to find out again what you like or perhaps things you always wanted to do...

Counselling is good in that it lets you explore these feelings of anger and hurt justifedly in a safe environment if that makes sense...

You have a life to rebuild, but don't attempt too much at once, baby steps will get you there a lot faster and with more strength behind you.

gratefulforhelp_2

OP look forward to your happier future. List all the things that bugged him about you and revel in the fact that she will have to put up with them and he will always have the upper hand with her. 1. She broke up his marriage and 2. Man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy. She will never be sure when he is out of her sight what he is up to.

You on the other hand are free. Make the most of doing what you want to do.

Errata

It sounds like you've rid yourself of a man who wasn't worth your time. Make sure he doesn't occupy more of your mind rent free than is reasonable at this point and look forward to evicting him from even that.

con_fused

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

I know I shouldn't really waste any more of my mental energy on him. I think for a while I have been blaming myself for the end of the marriage, wondering if I could have done more etc. I know I have made my mistakes too but he couldn't take any responsibility which frustrated me (still does).

gratefulforhelp - get what you mean about her. There was an event not long ago and he told me that him and her weren't going but that he was helping out for a few hours. When I said I was going and might see him there, weirdly enough she turned up. I am sure they are more awkward than I am - good!

I am starting the second and final year of uni in September but have also gotten into photography - something me and him said we'd do but he used the camera a lot for work so I hardly got to see it and it ended up getting broken. So I am enjoying that, also enjoying going out for walks and seeing a bit of the area (something else we didn't do much of at all).

I know I am better off without and feel I have done more these last few months than the majority of time we were together which is saying something

izzybusy23 - your ex sounds like a kn0b as well. I don't know how he has the front to call you a wh0re - sounds like he cannot take responsibility for his actions either. Think you are right that it is best to ignore but it is easier said than done

myothercarisaferrari

grrrrrrr I am so angry for you! He sounds like my ex! What an imbecile of the highest degree!

wuckfit

Best advice I can think of is to focus your energy into the postive future for yourself, rather than letting the negativity fester.
Sounds like you're going to be much better off without him, so hopefully one day you can look back and realise he did you a favour!

LittleMrsThrifty

I've PM'd you. X