Should I say or should I go ??

headcase

I need a sound board whether i am unreasonable or not. My wife and I have been married for 17 years but together since teenagers. We have a large mortgage and personal debts. I had depression over the years but last year had a breakdown. Over the last year i had to build my self up and we had councilling too. The debts are due to me having depressioning and not working. Now working ( self employed ) I'm paying the bills etc. We have three children 14,13 and 8.
i would say over 2 years my O/H and I have grown apart and now just fuction with what we havve to do as parents and paying bills. Counselling has helped, but not much as changed. We are a bit old fashioned and are loyal to each other. I do not talk to her about my feelings much as what I tell her about things she does not or would not change her ways. We are in a bit of a pickle financially and most other things too. However I have over the last say six months felt I want a change and meet someone else and start again. I accpet the grass on the other side is not always greener, but I feel that she expects me to change but not her. She is a loyal and good person but I can not help how I feel. I have told her and she is of co!!!! worried, she has replied that she will never leave. I have too and I will sort out the mess I made but I still have the feeling of starting again. I want her to change as well as me but I know she wont, or if so, for little while. The question is - is this normal or not ???

elljay20

why did she agree to counceling if she wasn't prepared to make changes?

headcase

i do not know. I bet she was hoping that( we or I ) can find the answers for me.

elljay20

just bear in mind that the grass is not always greener on the other side and sometimes you are better off working on what you know. My mum left my dad after having an affair and lived with the bloke for eight iffy years before he left HER for another woman IN AMERICA!!!!!! now my mum lives alone in rented accomodation in the process of going bankrupt and hasen't hada man in her life since he left.
How do you think you are at the moment?
What are you like to be around? I really think you need to talk to your wife. The main question is do you love her?

Little_Miss_Winner

Do you love her?
Does she love you?

headcase

Thanks everybody for your thoughts. Yes I beleive her when she says thaT she loves me. However ( both 39 ) been together since 17 we have grown up together. i love/ care for her but i want her to change abit so we can move on together. We are having councilling this morning so I will metion this to her and see what shes says. Get back to you all. Thanks once again......

beverleyhills

You can't change another person. You can only change your behaviour towards them. You seems to be good friends with each other.

What would you like to change?

lynzpower

if you are struggling financially, why not come over and lets see if we can help you out over on the debt-free wannabee board.

Once the financial situation has settled down im sure it would be easier to see the wood for the trees relationship wise

headcase

we had our councilling yeserday. went down like a lead ballon. After the meeting we went home and talked / argued for hours. Either we split up or say together but change the way we do things as well as our attitide.
I've had enough of talking about issues and explainig to O/H about her failings as well as mine. You know when you talk and talk and nothing happening in the action front. Let you know next week what happens as we are thinking over weekend... Thnaks

beverleyhills

Hang on in there. You have been together since you were teenagers and you have children;you both have made a big investment in the relationship.

I am a great advocate for counselling, but the result of yours seems quite negative. Could you talk about each others strengths and what you like you like about each other, rather than each others failings.

Why not spend the weekend just being together. Go for broke and buy her a bunch of flowers.

'if you are struggling financially, why not come over and lets see if we can help you out over on the debt-free wannabee board.

'Once the financial situation has settled down im sure it would be easier to see the wood for the trees relationship wise'[/I]

Take lynzpower's advice, the DFW are a great bunch of people who have a lot of empathy for peole in situations such as yourself.

headcase

Its Monday morning and we had a good chat over weekend. I, or should i say we - have decided to say together. It was either walk away or say together. We both accpet that we can not go on as we were. That would of split use up. Also I am doing a debt free dairy on the DFW board.
Its going to be bloody hard to get ourselfs out of the hole. But youhavre to start somewhere. We are getting a statement of affairs for our finances ( and thats a mess ). We have both over the years have gone down hill with a lot of things - let ourselfs go etc.....
We have to change our attitude to each other. I took her out on Sat' night to church. Ha you say - it was free and to hear classical music for 3 hours by some follow church members who play for proffessional orch' in Leeds. Not my cup of tea but it got use out of the house rather than telly and children free too. Enjoyed it. Its a start....