Help with DSD

maggied_2

bdt1 wrote: »

We in similar situation - but different, never got to see kids for last 15 yrs, but lies they had/are fed was just amazing - good on you girl stay strong, and be a good friend to this child, you will win this, and she will respect your consistent dignified behaviour, believe me, the screaming matches, and assault/beatings ( from PWC to NRP, and NRPP)) my hubs 2 dd were privvy to, saddens us to this day, and we know that is only the tip of the iceberg, we cradled those girls in our arms when PWC was hitting us both on one occasion - I've always said those childdren, and I know this sounds awful, but would I believe have had a more stable upbringing with their Daddy, step-Mum and half-siblings - hate, deceit, bitterness and lies are ugly traits and children should never hear the foul rantings of a scorned adult, the damage upsets us still, but we were never lucky enough to be any part (nor still) of their lives

Oh God that's brilliant - I'm going to imprint that in my mind and then recall it whenever things are getting rough!!

gratefulforhelp_2

maggied wrote: »

OK - here are my thoughts on getting through the next week!

Mealtimes: If he wishes to allow her to eat chocolate and sweets all day (which he does) then I won't say anything from now on, but neither will I be cooking dinner only for my efforts to be whined and moaned and have the nose turned up to. Mealtimes are a definite trigger point but I will be saying nothing! I have sent OH to do the shopping which includes stuff for meals she will eat - there aren't many sadly - it would appear that she eats little more than chicken dippers, pepperoni pizzas and supernoodles at her mum's

This is good, Daddy can cook or she can have fruit.

Tantrums: I'll be walking away and letting OH deal!

Excellent.

Bedtimes: OH would let her stay up until he went to bed - we often have this argument - he says "she's on summer holidays" I say "I'm not and don't want her still bouncing round the house at 10pm". She'll still be getting up around the same time as she does in term time so I don't think her bedtime should be much later.
Duting the week she goes to bed at 8.30 and at the weekends it's 9pm. I think this is late enough - is it fair to say that she has to be upstairs in her room by these times but can stay up and read / play later than this if he wants?

Totally fair.

I sound like I'm being mean here but, and not to put him down, but OH doesn't seem to notice the signs that she's getting tired and ratty and if she stays up any later than usual, without fail, there's a tantrum before bedtime and one in the morning. However it's always, always me that says "bedtime" - and yet again I'm the baddie.

Agree with him in advance when bedtime is and then just point out to him what time it is when bedtime arrives, let him do the rest.

Deciding what she wears (another trigger point): All for OH to deal with.

TBH my DD1 is 7 and chooses what to wear. They need to make their own fashion faux pas, let her choose.

Deciding when she comes in from playing and b*llocking for staying out too late: OH

I will get him to show her the court order for definite but then not mention anything else about her mum unless it comes up (I'm sure it will).

I would maybe let this go for now, show her if she reports back any more fibs from her mum.

Fingers crossed eh?

Absolutely!

claire1234

hiya,
im a step-mum to a boy and girl, when i first got with my oh they were 8 and 9, both knew how to play me, mum and dad off

thought id just add what i use to do below for some ideas and so you know your not the only one, i know its very hard!

maggied wrote: »

OK - here are my thoughts on getting through the next week!

I'll talk to OH but when I've brought things up he gets really uncomfortable discussing it (total head-sand burying!). However, I'm going to say the following:

Mealtimes: If he wishes to allow her to eat chocolate and sweets all day (which he does) then I won't say anything from now on, but neither will I be cooking dinner only for my efforts to be whined and moaned and have the nose turned up to. Mealtimes are a definite trigger point but I will be saying nothing! I have sent OH to do the shopping which includes stuff for meals she will eat - there aren't many sadly - it would appear that she eats little more than chicken dippers, pepperoni pizzas and supernoodles at her mum's

for meals i always do the cooking & shopping anyways (oh doesnt cook or shop) so i carried on cooking the meals when they were here like i would as tho they wernt, i think they soon learnt that if they didnt like it there wasnt anything else ready made and they got use to the home cooking - nice pudding if they at least tried.


Tantrums: I'll be walking away and letting OH deal!
attenting seeking - i totally ignored also - it takes a lot tho! lol

Bedtimes: OH would let her stay up until he went to bed - we often have this argument - he says "she's on summer holidays" I say "I'm not and don't want her still bouncing round the house at 10pm". She'll still be getting up around the same time as she does in term time so I don't think her bedtime should be much later.
Duting the week she goes to bed at 8.30 and at the weekends it's 9pm. I think this is late enough - is it fair to say that she has to be upstairs in her room by these times but can stay up and read / play later than this if he wants?
This is were i put my foot down and gave them a bath/bed routine so they could start to learn that been at dads is there house too not "part time" as they called it, also to give myself a hours rest before going to bed too,

I sound like I'm being mean here but, and not to put him down, but OH doesn't seem to notice the signs that she's getting tired and ratty and if she stays up any later than usual, without fail, there's a tantrum before bedtime and one in the morning. However it's always, always me that says "bedtime" - and yet again I'm the baddie.
you`ll only be the baddie for 5 mins then with kids it all forgotton, my oh never saw the signs that the kids were getting tired so that was left to me, a film in bed usually did the trick.

Deciding what she wears (another trigger point): All for OH to deal with.
i always said as long as there clean and tidy its not worth fussing over

Deciding when she comes in from playing and b*llocking for staying out too late: OH
i was flexible on this depending on where they were and how they had been, although i liked them to be in on a school night as they woundnt get up the next morning!

I will get him to show her the court order for definite but then not mention anything else about her mum unless it comes up (I'm sure it will).

Fingers crossed eh?

maggied_2

hiya,
im a step-mum to a boy and girl, when i first got with my oh they were 8 and 9, both knew how to play me, mum and dad off

thought id just add what i use to do below for some ideas and so you know your not the only one, i know its very hard!


Quote:
Originally Posted by maggied
OK - here are my thoughts on getting through the next week!

I'll talk to OH but when I've brought things up he gets really uncomfortable discussing it (total head-sand burying!). However, I'm going to say the following:

Mealtimes: If he wishes to allow her to eat chocolate and sweets all day (which he does) then I won't say anything from now on, but neither will I be cooking dinner only for my efforts to be whined and moaned and have the nose turned up to. Mealtimes are a definite trigger point but I will be saying nothing! I have sent OH to do the shopping which includes stuff for meals she will eat - there aren't many sadly - it would appear that she eats little more than chicken dippers, pepperoni pizzas and supernoodles at her mum's

for meals i always do the cooking & shopping anyways (oh doesnt cook or shop) so i carried on cooking the meals when they were here like i would as tho they wernt, i think they soon learnt that if they didnt like it there wasnt anything else ready made and they got use to the home cooking - nice pudding if they at least tried.


Tantrums: I'll be walking away and letting OH deal!
attenting seeking - i totally ignored also - it takes a lot tho! lol

Bedtimes: OH would let her stay up until he went to bed - we often have this argument - he says "she's on summer holidays" I say "I'm not and don't want her still bouncing round the house at 10pm". She'll still be getting up around the same time as she does in term time so I don't think her bedtime should be much later.
Duting the week she goes to bed at 8.30 and at the weekends it's 9pm. I think this is late enough - is it fair to say that she has to be upstairs in her room by these times but can stay up and read / play later than this if he wants?
This is were i put my foot down and gave them a bath/bed routine so they could start to learn that been at dads is there house too not "part time" as they called it, also to give myself a hours rest before going to bed too,

I sound like I'm being mean here but, and not to put him down, but OH doesn't seem to notice the signs that she's getting tired and ratty and if she stays up any later than usual, without fail, there's a tantrum before bedtime and one in the morning. However it's always, always me that says "bedtime" - and yet again I'm the baddie.
you`ll only be the baddie for 5 mins then with kids it all forgotton, my oh never saw the signs that the kids were getting tired so that was left to me, a film in bed usually did the trick.

Deciding what she wears (another trigger point): All for OH to deal with.
i always said as long as there clean and tidy its not worth fussing over

Deciding when she comes in from playing and b*llocking for staying out too late: OH
i was flexible on this depending on where they were and how they had been, although i liked them to be in on a school night as they woundnt get up the next morning!

I will get him to show her the court order for definite but then not mention anything else about her mum unless it comes up (I'm sure it will).

Fingers crossed eh?

Thanks Clare - I've done a lot of what you've mentioned - especially with bedtime and food. I've got her eating a better variety of food and also established a bedtime routine (OH used to just let her fall asleep on the sofa with him while he was watching tv!). However I now want to take a step back - I'm wondering if maybe OH has allowed me to be the one who sets routine and gets her to eat her greens so he doesn't have to! Hmmm!!

13Kent

Hi Maggie

I applaud your intentions, but in all honesty I think you will find it really hard to stick to your resolutions - especially as you can probably pick up the signs of her being ready for bed/ and knowing in your heart she needs a better diet etc.

I think sometimes ground rules that are laid down help as everyone knows where they stand and their is no inconsistency - which I think is hard for children when one day they can do as they please and the next their is a rule. I think children like the security of knowing where they stand - even if they do push the boundaries - and ours soon made the distinction between what was allowed at Mum's and what was allowed at Dad's!!

I think your main stumbling block may be your OH - he may be happier to let her do as she pleases as he wants her to want to come to visit - perfectly understandable, but I think you need to come to an agreement between you about what is acceptable and what is not, and stick to it!

Sorry if I've thrown a spanner in the works and given you more to think about!

Good luck - it's not easy - shame they don't come with a manual.!!

maggied_2

You're right, I am going to find it difficult!! I'm not known for being able to hide my emotions and keeping my opinions to myself!

I've spoken to OH and gone at it from the angle of - I don't want to give your ex an ounce of 'evidence' or whatever else is after that DSD is having a bad time when she's here. We've spoken about clothes, mealtimes and bedtimes and are agreed on all those points. I have said that at the first sign of any tantrums or bad behaviour that I simply will not be getting involved. It is also up to him to set times for her to be back when she goes out and up to him to discipline in whichever way he sees fit.

I've said that I just want a conflict-free week and that if we stick to our normal routine and rules then we'll be less likely to have one.

I understand why he wants to indulge her more - she has less time here and he doesn't want to spoil it with constant tellings off and punishments (well....being sent to her room and being made to apologise or denied treats).

Wish me luck

gratefulforhelp_2

Well done, maggie what you are doing is making sure he parents her as well as he can (with your input). Also hopefully making life better for you all.