Help with DSD

13Kent

I agree with trying not to be negative about the PWC - we made a conscious decision not to be derogatory towards her despite all the stuff we have flung at us. It is very hard sometimes in the heat of the moment -especially when they are exhibiting bad behaviour not to say things like " You might be allowed to behave like that at your Mum's but we won't tolerate it here." but we do our best not to compare the two situations, and try to be positive about the PWC even if we are biting our tongues really!

gratefulforhelp_2

Yeah, you have to take and hold the moral high ground, its the only way to win this battle.

maggied_2

Thanks all! All stuff I needed to hear.

I will be trying much harder to take the high ground. I've said to OH that as much as possible I'm not be left alone with DSD for now. I need to keep in the back of my mind that this all stems from the X trying to make me out to be the baddie.

I should say that we never, ever bad mouth the ex and when DSD does mention her mum / brother I try to be really positive - like X is getting married in September so I asked DSD about and said how exciting it was etc.

I've only heard OH say anything negative about X to his DD twice in all the time I've known him - the last after the last outburst when he said to DD that her mum was lying. I think it's a good idea to show her the court order - it's sad - we'd not even mentioned to her that the court hearing taken place. She shouldn't even have to consider these things happening at her age.

I hope we can get back to how things were - I'd love to know what X thinks she will achieve with this; OH and me splitting up? OH having to see DD without me? Making OH choose between us? Wish I knew!

bdt1

We in similar situation - but different, never got to see kids for last 15 yrs, but lies they had/are fed was just amazing - good on you girl stay strong, and be a good friend to this child, you will win this, and she will respect your consistent dignified behaviour, believe me, the screaming matches, and assault/beatings ( from PWC to NRP, and NRPP)) my hubs 2 dd were privvy to, saddens us to this day, and we know that is only the tip of the iceberg, we cradled those girls in our arms when PWC was hitting us both on one occasion - I've always said those childdren, and I know this sounds awful, but would I believe have had a more stable upbringing with their Daddy, step-Mum and half-siblings - hate, deceit, bitterness and lies are ugly traits and children should never hear the foul rantings of a scorned adult, the damage upsets us still, but we were never lucky enough to be any part (nor still) of their lives

PlayingHardball

maggied wrote: »

Thanks all! All stuff I needed to hear.

we'd not even mentioned to her that the court hearing taken place. She shouldn't even have to consider these things happening at her age.

I hope we can get back to how things were - I'd love to know what X thinks she will achieve with this; OH and me splitting up? OH having to see DD without me? Making OH choose between us? Wish I knew!

You are right, it IS sad that the PWC talked to her about a court order and details (even lying about them)

My ex used to talk openly to my dd about how much child support he had to pay, with the intention of showing me to be greedy and not able to support her myself! It worked for a long time, then I decided NOT to keep quiet and defended my actions in a clever way to make dd see that I was not being greedy, but dad was being inconsiderate of her.

Who knows what these fools hope to achieve, but it sounds like you have a really good relationship with your partner, which probably adds fuel to her fire, sadly!

Today is my ex's birthday. We had 3 girls together, not one of them has sent him a card, or will call him. So, what goes around, comes around. All his anger and bitterness towards me has turned completely on himself now, and it has totally been his own doing.

I actually feel pity for him, but then I slap myself and tell myself off for forgetting all the pain he caused me and my lovely partner for several years.

The children will see things much clearer when they are a little older (my youngest is now just about to turn 16). For now, you've just got to do what you can do, and do it to the best of your ability in your own caring way.

p.s. what does dsd mean?

gratefulforhelp_2

DSD = dear step daughter. But what is NRPP?

Please be careful, Maggie's OH about involving her in too much detail about the court stuff. Its not quite the same but I work with a girl of 11 whose parents have seen fit to involve her in every detailed step of their divorce (why, God knows?) and it has really screwed her up.

maggied_2

NRPP - like me! Non Resident Parent's Partner.

I agree with you not involving DSD in the 'adult stuff' - and to be fair we never have.

In this case though I think she needs to see in black and white that her mother is talking sh1te yet again! I don't wanting her getting to 18 and realising THEN than her mum is a lying psycho (I make no apologies - I'm actually being quite generous there!).

Thanks again everyone. This step parenting lark is not easy - trying to match the expectation that you love a child as though they were your own flesh and blood but having no say and basically being expected (when it suits) to butt the hell out.

I will update you as to how our week goes....I really will be bearing all your advice in mind and will not be handing to ex on a plate what she's after - a disharmonious household.

C xxxx

gratefulforhelp_2

My ultimate role model for a step parent is my friend's stepdad, he took on 4 girls (!!) aged between 7 and newborn, and has helped to bring them up so brilliantly. They are now aged 25 and up, and all fantastic women, had one of their own as well, so 5 in all.

What a great guy.

maggied_2

OK - here are my thoughts on getting through the next week!

I'll talk to OH but when I've brought things up he gets really uncomfortable discussing it (total head-sand burying!). However, I'm going to say the following:

Mealtimes: If he wishes to allow her to eat chocolate and sweets all day (which he does) then I won't say anything from now on, but neither will I be cooking dinner only for my efforts to be whined and moaned and have the nose turned up to. Mealtimes are a definite trigger point but I will be saying nothing! I have sent OH to do the shopping which includes stuff for meals she will eat - there aren't many sadly - it would appear that she eats little more than chicken dippers, pepperoni pizzas and supernoodles at her mum's

Tantrums: I'll be walking away and letting OH deal!

Bedtimes: OH would let her stay up until he went to bed - we often have this argument - he says "she's on summer holidays" I say "I'm not and don't want her still bouncing round the house at 10pm". She'll still be getting up around the same time as she does in term time so I don't think her bedtime should be much later.
Duting the week she goes to bed at 8.30 and at the weekends it's 9pm. I think this is late enough - is it fair to say that she has to be upstairs in her room by these times but can stay up and read / play later than this if he wants?

I sound like I'm being mean here but, and not to put him down, but OH doesn't seem to notice the signs that she's getting tired and ratty and if she stays up any later than usual, without fail, there's a tantrum before bedtime and one in the morning. However it's always, always me that says "bedtime" - and yet again I'm the baddie.

Deciding what she wears (another trigger point): All for OH to deal with.

Deciding when she comes in from playing and b*llocking for staying out too late: OH

I will get him to show her the court order for definite but then not mention anything else about her mum unless it comes up (I'm sure it will).

Fingers crossed eh?

maggied_2

13Kent wrote: »

I
It is a double edged sword however -

We tried to be fair from the outset, laying down rules. In hindsight maybe it would have been better to have let them have their own way and not lay down our rules as now they are older they are not so keen to visit as they are not allowed the freedom that they get at their Mother's! (Also they are busier with their friends at weekends now they are older.) In one way makes my life a lot easier not having to make allowances and accommodate them so often - and it's cheaper!! But we miss them a lot as do our younger children, and would really like to see them more often, and sometimes we do think if we had spoilt them and let them do what they wanted a bit more maybe they would be more keen to come.....

However as we have our own children now too in another way I'm glad we did lay down ground rules, as now we need to consider the younger ones and don't want them to pick up on bad behaviour.

I always said that as they got older they would see though their mother's tactics, and realise that we had their best interests at heart, but sadly it has yet to happen!

Good luck - it's not easy hope it works out for you.

Thanks for being so honest about this - this is what we wonder as well - wouldn't a crystal ball be fantastic?

We're hanging on to the hope that if we are consistent, firm but fair and don't have the high drama of her mum's household that she will see that in the end. However she is much more similar to her mum personality-wise so we may end up with a situation like yours.