TAXIS...Beating the cancer and clearing the mortgage the final hurdle.

The_Dragon

Please don't desert us Taxi! I know I tend to lurk a bit at the moment but you (and others!) are a great inspiration

taxi73

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Taxi, when you say lots of things, do you mean housework? I know it goes against the MSE grain but would you consider a cleaner for a while? If you felt the house was in shape iy might lift your mood which in turn would have a knock on effect on other things?

Also after having treatment for so long I can kind of understand that now it's over you feel at a loss if that makes sense I would put a bet on that being common for cancer sufferers and also when you have had to stay in doors so long it's also common to lose a bit of confidence. Would you consider to talking to one of the maccillan nurses or one of their counsellors as you might be surprised how much off loading might help?

DH suggested a cleaner but surely if I'm not working I should just get on with it ..suppose it's the ingrained MSE in me.

Could be worth tal;king to a counsellor .

REDMADCURLS

Taxi you are working, you are working on getting better and stronger and that takes ALOT of energy.

Don't be so hard on yourself!

macgirl

Hi Taxi

Sorry to hear how you're feeling, but that's very understandable. I'm sure work defined you to an extent - it certainly does me - and what you're now feeling sounds like thoughts I've heard from people who are facing retirement. It's an end to something, like a bereavment, a life changing experience or new beginning too - whichever way you look at it....

There are some good suggestions here, as always. I would heartily recommend yoga - for relaxation and taking your mind somewhere else which is very good for healing, plus it would be a good and gentle way to reintroduce yourself to exercise.
Then while your there, you can get your cleaner round

I think KM is right, knowing things need to be done but not having the energy to do them creates low level stress - and you don't need that.

To pay £20 a week to eradicate that from your life is surely worth every penny? Ironing is my bug bare, I always do a load on a Sunday evening and by the time I've reached the bedding I can't take anymore! So this week, I paid for someone to do it. Yes, I felt a bit guilty, but I thought "s*d it, I'm 40, I work hard and to reduce stress even once a month it's worth it"
It is *such* a nice feeling to be on top of it, albeit with a little help. We are all guilty of not asking for help when we need it, but as the famous advert says

We're Worth it! Take care :kisses3: xxx

Karmacat

Taxi, having read through the replies since I posted, completely agree with thinking about hiring a cleaner - "just get on with it", as you say, is not going to cut it - if that was all it took, you'd be doing itnow! A lot of gentleness is called for, so that what energy you do have can go towards finding out who you are - you're asking a lot of "identity" questions - who am I, what do I want - facing those on onelevel means experimenting with who you are ... am I the person who likes walking in the Lake District sometimes, am I the person who likes long train journeys, which magazines do I like - you've been through a survival experience, and it does change things .... and I'd imagine thats really hard to accept. Kindness is all ((((((((((((Taxi))))))))))))))))))

Dumyat

Taxi, talk to your McMillan nurse. This stage is very common when the treatment phase finishes, and there is help out there to help you deal with it. When you are busy with the treatments, seeing the doctors and nurses all the time...you don't have time to think. A lot of people feel the rug has been pulled from underneath them when it all stops...and you are left wondering about the future, and trying to put some order back in your life, because it has changed forever. Life will never be the same after such a major event for you and your family. Relationships change, how you view the future changes, even your debt free focus has gone. Talking to someone who understands that will help you get your head round it all.

dizzy_lizzie

taxi73 wrote: »

Am ok..just feeling a bit lost at the moment and that I don't fit in here at the moment and nothing to say.

Ooh my luvly it's not surprising you feel like this. There's only so much relaxing you can do and I guess it feels like a forced relax if you know what I mean because normally you'd be working then enjoying the time when you do put your feet up. I also wonder whether when you were first poorly you had to really really focus on getting well and in a way shut your mind off to a lot of things. Now you're on the mend and feeling fitter and stronger day by day I wonder if your 'mind' is allowing a little bit of this 'stuff' in now because it feels you are more better to cope with it. Such as when you said, 'who am I, I don't fit in here anymore' etc. I honestly think this is your subconscious wanting you to start preparing or at least thinking about your new life ahead and getting you to start thinking about 'where do we go from here' etc I know you are still in the middle of building up your strength and you musn't rush these things taxi but maybe see what you've been thinking as a good thing. Sounds like you're nearly ready to start re evaluating your life which can be very exciting.
Or it could be I'm talking twaddle
Either way please take care and do what you think is the right thing to do and follow your heart.
Maybe a meet up planned for soon. Does that sound like a good idea. If, that is, you could handle all the hugs you know you'll be getting
Luv Dizzy x
♥

Lenza_Quidditch

taxi73 wrote: »

Can't explain how I feel really.I don't know who I am anymore or what I want.I've lost me..it's hard to explain.

Taxi,love, sorry you're feeling like this but it really is normal. I had a similar feelings in the autumn and stopped lurking round here and everywhere else. Have a look at this article - it has some useful things to say - I occasionally have a read to get some perspective. It's a tricky time, post treatment, because people are understandably so pleased that you have got through treatment. Some expect you to be 'good old Taxi' again. Some might expect you to feel elated at having got through treatment. Thing is, everything has changed forever and you have to find away to live with that knowledge. You might respond differently to people and situations - that's not a bad thing. It's just different.

Some people miss the 'routine' of treatment and feel a bit vulnerable without it - that wasn't true for me as I was quite happy to know that my team were still available but I really didn't feel the need to see them every week . I did and do feel that kind of loss of identity - everything just stopped for 2 years - overnight. I think I've handled it all pretty well and am on a fairly even keel most of the time. I'm at a stage now where I have no job to return to (self-employed) and am not sure what I want to do with myself. I've focused on putting right the things that bugged me before cancer so that if I do go back soon, things will be in place. It's pretty mundane stuff but home-edding has now 'finished' and kids are OU students so that's one time-consuming thing gone; I've been chucking stuff out of the house since before xmas so that between us all it will stay clean. I've just joined in the flylady thread to help with that (I found her site years ago but it's taken til now to be ready to concentrate on it); financially - well we've always been skint so no change there, haha; then there's my health - I'm treating this as my 'job' - I have to lose weight and get fitter. I have to drink more water and now I think I've got the will because I'm not putting kids, work, anything else in the way of that.

Guess this is my longwinded way of saying start small - look to achieve little things which will help you feel better about your life. If that means taking time out to lick your wounds or reflect for a while, then do it. You have loads of wonderful friends here who will still be here when you get back. PM me any time if you want to.

You've done so well so far (which to you means 'just getting on with it', I'm sure). This is just something else to deal with -and you will deal with it because you have the strength.

Lots of Love
Lenza x

40somethingmum

taxi73 wrote: »

Am ok..just feeling a bit lost at the moment and that I don't fit in here at the moment and nothing to say.

Oh, Babe ... you will always fit in.:A I do know what you mean though as I have been feeling a lot like that over the last few months hence my absence from the diaries . I tend to lurk rather than post now but I am now trying to get back to it all now but feel like a newbie again.

(( hugs))

40SMxx

mum2one

taxi73 wrote: »

Can't explain how I feel really.I don't know who I am anymore or what I want.I've lost me..it's hard to explain.

You are the most amazing and brave lady, who has through no fault of her own has had her life turned upside down, inside out and back to front, but through it all you have kept your dignity, still put others first, you are the most generous person, lovely lady and a great friend that DD and I had the chance to meet, and spend some time with.

I'm guessing the last yr you have had your life regimentated with appointments, blood test, chemo and everything else that they chucked at you, and now its as thou hold on I'm running here and there, but trying to get things back to normal.

Just take ur time, I'm sure in times thing fall into place, and I would highly recommend a big cuddle from a certain young man xx

DD's new trick - (thou told her she shouldn't do it) is play twinkle twinkle little star on her recorder, but via her nose - trouble is she is spot on with the tune xx