Coudl it work

kittykate_2

lil_me wrote:

From what he said he doesn't like me any more and doesn't want to be with me. I think the hardest bit has been finding out what I thought was going brilliantly, we were getting on better than ever and I felt alive again, was just 'an act' as he put it.

I think it maybe given that too late for counselling but I will ask him to consider it, even if it's to help us talk rationally to each other about the future apart.

If he doesn't want to be with you then let him go. You can do so much better than him, you can find someone who does want to be with you, someone who won't 'put on an act' and lead you along with a false sense of security.

If you continue to live with this guy you will be stopping yourself from moving on, you'll be thinking about how your behaviour and what you do affects him and you will be confusing the kids. All this is wrong and you'll only be putting off getting over him. Chances are if you still live together not much will change, you'll still do his washing, cooking etc. You'll still play happy families and you'll probably still sleep with him. Wow, he's got all he needs and no commitment to go with it. If it's over, then make it be over and get him to move out.

You're kids might be upset now but that's a lot better than letting them believe everythings ok. Can you imagine if one of you meets someone new and you two are living together? How confusing would that be for the kids? You might end up hurting them more then than you would do now. It's not fair on them.

Please think about things. We can't tell you what to do, so we are just giving you some advice. You're feeling vulnerabel now and your outlook on things is a bit blurry and very one-sided. You're hurting inside and not seeing things clearly. Think about what we've all said and what will be best for you all eventually. Living together is only a short-term solution and is only delaying the inevitable.

Thinking of you
KKx

Dee123_2

lil_me wrote:

he's taken the children out this afternoon and tried to explain to them and said he would't be sleeping in my room and that we had been arguing (they took it as he was going and got extremely upset and said that it was my fault and they hate me great eh!)

I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. I'm not the greatest relationship expert so I'll keep it brief.

I just wanted to check - he told you this???? Why? What purpose did it serve to tell you your kids said they hated you when they were in an emotional state? Did he then tell you that he said all the magic words to them to explain it was both of your decisions, thereby painting himself in the good light?

That's a powerplay move.

ailuro2

Sorry you're having a rotten time.

If he thinks you can live together amicably,fairly, and with no arguments, then ask him this-- why could he not do this while he was still comitted to the marriage?

He should leave now, get it over with, no point in putting the kids through it.If there is no hope for your marriage then don't mess around.

He can't have his cake and eat it.You will get over him, you will accept it, and hopefully you will both be happier for it. Best wishes to you, sometimes doing what's best for yourself is also the best thing for the rest of your family.;)

llh189

I have a slightly different view on this situation.........my mum is unhappy with my dad and for years I have carried the guilt around with me that she stayed with my dad because of my brother and me, she now feels too old, too lacking on confidence to leave, financially dependent, when we speak all she does is moan about my dad, it is horrible.

I wish that years ago they had split up both gone on to meet new people and would probably of been a lot happier. It is so hard these days to make the best relationships work, let alone trying to live a lie - what if one of you meets someone new, you both deserve to be happy, your children won't be young forever, I would hate for you to look back with regret and your children to live with the guilt that I do.

HTH

Lisa

kittykate_2

llh189 wrote:

I have a slightly different view on this situation.........my mum is unhappy with my dad and for years I have carried the guilt around with me that she stayed with my dad because of my brother and me, she now feels too old, too lacking on confidence to leave, financially dependent, when we speak all she does is moan about my dad, it is horrible.

I wish that years ago they had split up both gone on to meet new people and would probably of been a lot happier. It is so hard these days to make the best relationships work, let alone trying to live a lie - what if one of you meets someone new, you both deserve to be happy, your children won't be young forever, I would hate for you to look back with regret and your children to live with the guilt that I do.

HTH

Lisa

I just want to say thanks for writing this. My mum is very unhappy too and I have told her many times that I would support any decision she makes. She's still with my dad, but if she left tomorrow I wouldn't blame her in any way and I would be there for both of my parents.

Staying together "for the kids" isn't right and it doesn't work. When the children get older, they become wiser and more aware and they know exactly what it's like. It's confusing and hurtful. They'll feel that they are the reason for your misery, when they aren't.

jordan_gibson

After I found out that my partner of 6 years had slept with the next door neighbour I decided we had to split up. We have a 2 year old lad and it was really difficult for me to work out if we should 'give it another go' for his sake. To be honest, this was never really an option because something would happen in a few months and it would all go bang again!

Anyway, we have been living in the same house for the past 4 weeks and have only just got something sorted for living arangements for my lad and ex. We are goods terms with each other but I would never get back with her.

In my opinion, you can not stay with each other for the kids. As we all know, they pick up stuff all the time so it would end in disaster.

funky-footprints

llh189 wrote:

I have a slightly different view on this situation.........my mum is unhappy with my dad and for years I have carried the guilt around with me that she stayed with my dad because of my brother and me, she now feels too old, too lacking on confidence to leave, financially dependent, when we speak all she does is moan about my dad, it is horrible.

I wish that years ago they had split up both gone on to meet new people and would probably of been a lot happier. It is so hard these days to make the best relationships work, let alone trying to live a lie - what if one of you meets someone new, you both deserve to be happy, your children won't be young forever, I would hate for you to look back with regret and your children to live with the guilt that I do.

HTH

Lisa

Lisa (((hugs))))) im sorry you feel this guilt, dont blame yourself. My dh's parents also stayed together for the kids ..she left when he left secondary school, he doesnt feel guilty about it, just says he feels his whole childhood was fake. He says he knew fully well from a young age that his parents were rowing and didnt love each other.
x