Coudl it work

lil_me

Had another bombshell dropped this week, OH has now said he doesn't want to be with me (not the first time this month)

He wants to try living together just as the children's parents as the took it terribly last time he left. We have one son with special needs who took it badly and the little one was in a right state.

Anyone tried this, can it work ?

Sorry misspelt the heading and can't edit it, my heads in a bit of a mess at the mo

Any advice appreciated

CarolnMalky

((((HUGS)))) what a nitemare for you! I think for everyone's sake the best thing to do is try living apart...I know easy for me to say, but it prevents confusion for the kids and more importantly for you. We all deserve someone who loves and respects us.
My thoughts are with you.
Carol

homersimpson_3

what would happen if either of you met someone else and wanted that relationship to develope? if you stop sleeping together/in same room how are you going to explain this to children if they are old/able enough to understand? will you take them on holidays/outings together? if you are on benefits what will you say to dwp? what does live together as just parents mean- would you sit down as a family for meals- if not how do you explain absence to children? whether it could work depends on you and oh- would involve alot of dedication and commitment not only now but for future.

lil_me

I am dedicated in providing whatever is best for my children. I know that when he left before they took it so badly I would hate to put them through it again, hence considering this as it's the only way I can see it not destroying them again. I have no interest in meeting anyone else at all, however harsh it may seem on myself I just don't want that, I still love him with all my heart and couldn't consider being with anyone else or put my children through it, I have no idea on his thoughts on this and will have to discuss it with him. From what I can gather he also doesn't want to be a 'part time' parent, I know I wouldn't either as I love my children so much, something else I need to discuss with him to make sure he's staying for the right reasons I suppose. I have said I want to discuss what we expect from each other if this is to work when they are back at school next week as I don't want anything nasty in front of them if it turns that way.

I contacted DWP and they stated that we would be still living together and classed as a couple, regardless of the relationship. He works I don't.

So far (it's only been 2 days) we haven't argued and he's taken the children out this afternoon and tried to explain to them and said he would't be sleeping in my room and that we had been arguing (they took it as he was going and got extremely upset and said that it was my fault and they hate me great eh!) , we've played with the children sort of together after they went for a walk aswell, nothing unusual/different to normal really. We are supposed to be going on a family trip tomorrow which was booked a long time ago and I am hoping he won't drop out last minute for their sakes. We did take them on holiday very recently when we were not together and I thought we had sorted it out while we were there, in fact had a great time, but this was all dropped on me when we returned. I feel gutted and stupid for believing what he now says was an act, left me feeling very down.

Only feel safe posting on here as noone knows me and stuck for advice, can't talk to family about it and most of our friends are joint friends as such and don't want to involve them, don't want to turn them against either of us or ask them to take sides, other friends aren't really close enough for me to feel able to discuss it with them.

From experience I know that many married parents drift apart over the years and describe their situation as living together as parents.

scoobydo_2

sorry but i think that in the end your confusing the children more by what your doing . My kids were 8 and 10 when my ex left and they were a total mess but in time and yes it took a long time and little things would remind us all .But in the end we got there . If I may say so it seems like because your still in love with him you haven't accepted that he wamts to leave .If things are over you need to end the living together for everyone to accept and move on to normality .

Counting_Pennies_2

It doesn't sound as if you have had any counselling.

I know you want to do the best by the children, but you also need to do best by yourself.

Maybe say to him that you will continue to live in the same house, only if he is willing to go to marriage counselling and if the counselling finishes on the note that you should split then that is the time you both go your separate ways. That way you aren't dropping the bombshell completely on your children, you are both under the same roof while you try to sort out your differences, and if you are successful in patching things up you don't have the huge upheaval.

lil_me

I don't know if he'd be up for counselling. But I will run it past him. We are not married so it is much easier for him to just up and go.

I'm not doing this so I don't have to leave go of him, it would probably be easier on me if he just went, I don't know, my only priority at the minute are the children. I don't think I could go through what they went through with them again

Thanks for the replies so far, has given me a lot to think about. Just chatting on MSN to someone who has managed to successfully do this for 4 years now which I think wil probably be a lot of help.

Ms_Chocaholic

Sorry to hear about yoru situation Lil. Unsure why OH doesn't want to live with you, is it that you are not getting on or has he met someone else? If it is not that he has met someone else, I'd recommend you undergo some counselling. Me and OH were having real problems earlier this year, had been to Relate and another counsellor in the past few years, none of which seemed to help but this year sought help from independent counsellor (via BACP website) and wished we'd done it years ago. After only 3/4 sessions we'd made significant progress and only needed 6 sessions altogether. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone and, even though we were both sceptical, it worked for us.

lil_me

From what he said he doesn't like me any more and doesn't want to be with me. I think the hardest bit has been finding out what I thought was going brilliantly, we were getting on better than ever and I felt alive again, was just 'an act' as he put it.

I think it maybe given that too late for counselling but I will ask him to consider it, even if it's to help us talk rationally to each other about the future apart.

funky-footprints

I dont know if what i am about to post is going to help, but my brother has been on your end of a break up and 2 years later is just getting over it. It was all my (soon to be ex) sister in laws doing and when she said jump he said how high.

they started the lets live together for the sake of our son thing .. my brother during this time held out hope they would work it out. so they had seperate bedrooms but to everyone outside the house they were still a couple.

She then suggested after 12 months of this, she move out and he move out and they rent thier house out, she has never liked my parents and he worked for my dad, she made him choose between my parents and her. He chose her and jacked in his job, he then moved in with another relative and they rented out thier home.

During this time he spiralled into total depression and it got very nasty with family getting involved saying my parents wernt supporting him, and why did my dad ask him to leave the business etc, even though it was his choice, his wife just egged the rumours on.

He and his wife went on dates and outings with thier son and seemed to every to be getting along fine, he actually began to think without my parents around, there would be hope for reconcilition with her.

Then she threw another bomb shell, sell the house, with the proceeds she would find them a new home together. House gets sold ..she kept all the money and has now demanded a divorce. turns out she had another man on the go all the time. My brother has wasted 2 years trying to salvage hopes and dreams that were fake and now is left trying to build bridges with my folks who are also very hurt.

I dont know how old you are op, but nobody deserves to take 2nd best. If your dh isnt interested in marriage councilling, then why live together in the hope that you may be ok. You can say at the moment that you love him and cant imagine having him around ........ but do you deserve this ? ?

My brother has finally sorted his head out and has these last few weeks started a new relationship, it is early days but he actually looks happier than he has done in the last 10 years. Its amazing how many of thier friends have actually stuck by him, and he now has a social life and a much stronger relationship with his son.

What happens when your children are old enough to go ..does that mean he will go then ? ?
why prevent the inevitable ..if he loves your children as much as you so obviously do, then for the sake of thier sanity and the respect for you he should hold out as thier mum, he should move out.
huge huggs for you ...be brave.
xxxxxx

Savvy_Sue

You can go to Relate on your own, even if you partner won't go with you. That might help YOU sort out how you feel about this ...