Very Quiet Child......Only at School

Rainey_LB

My DD has always been a quiet shy child however over the last year or so she has become much more confident in all situations .......other than school it seems!!

I have spoken to school about this several times, I specifically asked at the parents consultations how this was going this year and popped in periodically to see how things were going, each time I have been assured it was no longer an issue at that she was talking fine.

So it was a bit of a shock today to get her report to find that she has been marked down considerably for not talking, not taking part in discussions, not answering questions........

Am planning on seeing the head tomorrow as I feel totally misled and I feel she has been let down.

Any suggestions on how you would deal with this?

justmel

Hi Rainey i am sorry that the school seem to have let you and your daughter down,my 5 year old daughter will not talk at all at school an has been that way since pre school.

We thought it was a case of her being incredibly shy and between pre school and the first term at primary school we all tried everything to coax her out of herself,the thing is we knew she could talk perfectly well but she simply would not talk to her friends or teacher etc.

I began to suspect that she may have selective mutism,the anxiety disorder where children are simply too scared to talk in certain situations and the school arranged for a speach therapist who deal with all kinds of communication problems with children and yes she does have it.

What we are doing now is working with the therapist and the school to try to help her overcome this although they have said it can take years but she has allowed everyone in her class to hear her voice by recording it in a 'talking book',long way to go but it's a start.

It may be that your daughter is just incredibly shy but it is definitely worth asking the school or your gp even to refer you to a speach therapist who can see if that is the problem,good luck

pigpen

I'd leave her.. it is obviously her personality.. My DD4 is almost 8 and rarely speaks at school and never participates in discussions and looks terrified if directly asked a question.

A decent teacher would realise she doesn't like to speak in class and would encourage her.. Do they do a 'show and tell'? Is she ever asked what she thinks the answer to a question is? .. This would boost her confidence and encourage to open up a bit.

Rainey_LB

justmel wrote: »

Hi Rainey i am sorry that the school seem to have let you and your daughter down,my 5 year old daughter will not talk at all at school an has been that way since pre school.

We thought it was a case of her being incredibly shy and between pre school and the first term at primary school we all tried everything to coax her out of herself,the thing is we knew she could talk perfectly well but she simply would not talk to her friends or teacher etc.

I began to suspect that she may have selective mutism,the anxiety disorder where children are simply too scared to talk in certain situations and the school arranged for a speach therapist who deal with all kinds of communication problems with children and yes she does have it.

What we are doing now is working with the therapist and the school to try to help her overcome this although they have said it can take years but she has allowed everyone in her class to hear her voice by recording it in a 'talking book',long way to go but it's a start.

It may be that your daughter is just incredibly shy but it is definitely worth asking the school or your gp even to refer you to a speach therapist who can see if that is the problem,good luck

Thanks I had suggested Selective Mutism to the school before, they didn't seem convinced, this started in pre-school, when she moved on to nursery she didn't say a word for the first half term but her nursery teacher was fantastic and by end she was doing well, she slipped back at the start of Reception, but soon gained confidence again, hence my keep checking how things were going this year, maybe will mention it again tomorrow and see what they think.

pigpen wrote: »

I'd leave her.. it is obviously her personality.. My DD4 is almost 8 and rarely speaks at school and never participates in discussions and looks terrified if directly asked a question.

A decent teacher would realise she doesn't like to speak in class and would encourage her.. Do they do a 'show and tell'? Is she ever asked what she thinks the answer to a question is? .. This would boost her confidence and encourage to open up a bit.

I agree a decent teacher would encourage and inform the parent, tbh getting information from her current teacher is like getting blood out of a stone, she does do Show & Tell and I have asked how this has gone and been told fine.....not according to the report today though!!!

Minxy_Bella

My youngest child - aged 8 - is exactly the same. She's a loud little drama queen at home but freezes up with shyness in school. All of her teachers have 'complained' about it, to which I've told them that they should count themselves lucky that she's quieter than at home!

She's gradually coming out of her shell, little by little, but it's just the way she is - and to be marked down for it is totally and utterly wrong IMO. We can't all tick all the boxes the government lays out for us - we're not machines! I might say that, nicely, to the head, but otherwise, I'd let it lie.

brighthair

there's not anything silly is there - only I didn't speak for the first 2 years at school until Mum asked what they were calling me and they said "my full name", and Mum pointed out I was only called that when I was in trouble. The reason I didn't speak was I thought I was always in trouble

pinkshoes

I was the same (quite and hardly spoke at school, but chatter box at home!), and gradually came out my shell in my teens, and completely when I left home at 18!

My parents got so confused by my school reports. In some subjects I was marked down for never speaking or participating, and in other subjects (my favourite ones which I was confident in), I got great reports about being an active member of the group, participating frequently in lessons etc... It was as if the report was written for two different people!

I turned out just fine, and happily give group presentations etc...!

I'd just have a quiet word with the teacher, and look at ways of slowly increasing her confidence. I'd be more worried if she didn't speak at home either!

dontknowwhat2doanymore

My DD is exactly the same she is one of the youngest in the class, she is going into yr 3 in Sept, but not 7 till August. She is so quiet at school, but is the loudest at home. On Monday her 'best' friends mum even commented about how quiet she seems at school but at her house is totally different.

I was the same at school and have only found my confidence in my late twenties.

Tbh I think every child is different and you should be guided by them, my DD has just started 'glee' style classes doing singing and dancing- which she has asked to join. This has started building her confidence(even though she will never be a singer lol).

I don't think you have anything to worry about, we all develop at different stages and ages.

xxx

Becles

How do conversations go at home?

I never said anything at school but it was because of how I was treated at home. My Mam can talk for England and in a conversation I'd say something like "We had a great time at .........." and then my Mam would but in and talk over the top of me and tell everyone about the place we'd been to. Then my brother started doing the same, so I just shut up.

Even though I'm more confident now and will happily talk when I'm with husband's family, friends etc., I still revert to my old behaviour with my parents. At meals with my family, I rarely say anything as I still get talked over

Amanda65

Hiya

My eldest DD was very like this, every parents evening / report all through school I was told that she didn't participate in class, never put her hand up etc. but at home she was a gobby mare

She was a tiny little girl, one of the youngest in her school year and when I look back, I think in a lot of the time I answered for her in social situations when she was young as she rarely answered questions from adults so I think I jumped in to make her not look rude and therefore she never really got put into situations where she was forced to answer. At the end of the day, I decided that her inherent personality was that she was a quiet child and it was part of who she was and she would eventually grow out of it as her confidence grew. It was interesting that staff who taught her two years running would always comment on how different she was in the second year they taught her.

Roll forward and she is nearly 19, works in a bar part-time and passed her Uni interview for a fashion BA course this year and is off to Birmingham in September, happy, confident and very willing to chat to anyone :T Don't stress too much now, just make sure that over the summer she has the opportunity to speak to people she doesn't know (shop assistants etc, not complete strangers in the street :rotfl:) and she will be fine.

pigpen

Becles wrote: »

How do conversations go at home?

I never said anything at school but it was because of how I was treated at home. My Mam can talk for England and in a conversation I'd say something like "We had a great time at .........." and then my Mam would but in and talk over the top of me and tell everyone about the place we'd been to. Then my brother started doing the same, so I just shut up.

Even though I'm more confident now and will happily talk when I'm with husband's family, friends etc., I still revert to my old behaviour with my parents. At meals with my family, I rarely say anything as I still get talked over

My sister feels we do that to her..

In reality our whole family do it.. and we all just talk all over one another and hold 3 or 4 different conversations at the same time.. she occasionally strops and says we never listen.. and we repeat back what she has just said.. which helps even less..

Tell them to shut up and listen for once.. dare you!!