How do we get rid of my parents carer?

ailuro2

If you're officially their carer why do you have someone else coming in to do it?

I'd resign from being their carer, and go round for a chat as normal but not do anything while you're there.

Tell your brother you are no longer their carer, and they'll have to either up the woman's hours or find someone else.

Don't get drawn in to doing it out of duty. If your brother has to do it himself he will maybe change his attitude.

( I know the brother thing has been going on a long time, why has no one done anything about him - strength in numbers and all that!)

SevenOfNine

Every single time you have to step in because the carer hasn't done exactly what is expected, you ring your brother and sister immediately and ask which one of them is going to come over to do it. Don't care how far away they live (including abroad).

Note date, time, task, in a diary so you have proper evidence for the next meeting, which you should call to review the situation.

Have you contacted you Local Authority, Social Services, to see what help or advice they can offer?

rose28454

SevenOfNine wrote: »

Every single time you have to step in because the carer hasn't done exactly what is expected, you ring your brother and sister immediately and ask which one of them is going to come over to do it. Don't care how far away they live (including abroad).

Note date, time, task, in a diary so you have proper evidence for the next meeting, which you should call to review the situation.

Have you contacted you Local Authority, Social Services, to see what help or advice they can offer?

Firstly he got Social Services involved last year and threw a fit because I insisted on attending the meetings with them. They were very helpful and we got a piper lifeline thing installed and the lady gave us lots of advice including getting my Dad attendance allowance with the help of Age Concern ( who were great). However he then tried to get them to install a Wet room ( even though they have as perfectly good downstairs shower) and they rightly refused. The lady we were dealing with then wrote and said they were crossing Mum and Dad off their list as they seemed sorted. I am still in contact with the lady who told me by brother was extremely rude to them and neither she or her assistant thought much of him. I still call her for advice from time to time. I live in the same town as my parents, my 2 brothers live about 10 miles away, my sis 15 miles and my other sis abroad. My sis in Switzerland just came over in July and took them back to stay with her for 3 weeks and is now trying to come once a month.
I have just bought a diary and will keep a note of everything that goes on. Good advice thanks

Bonny1

Oh god, my stomach was churning just reading your situation.

I wish you luck.

Bonny

bigbigmamamoo

rose,
I am disabled and have had carers come in from the local social work department. They wrote up a care plan that was similar to the one you quote. But the one they wrote was totally accurate and reflected both my needs and what they actually did for me.

It might help if you sat down and wrote out for yourself what your goals are. What is it that you would ideally like to see happening.
If it was me I would want
1. Current carer gone
2. You in the role of carer (maybe you want this, maybe you don't)
3. Cleaner in 1 hour a week. I live in a two bed flat and the OT recommended that one hours cleaning was all I needed

Then I would think about what I needed to do to move towards this goal. The main problem seems to be that your brother has a very different view of how to help your parents and seems to be a bully. I would try and tackle these two issues separately. So try and figure out what it is you think is best, setting aside how difficult it would be to get your brother to agree. Once you have that clear in your mind, then try and figure out how to deal with your brother.

SarEl

To be honest, and not wishing to sound unsympathetic, but it would appear that your family problems extend way past who provides your parents with support and how that is done. Perhaps you need to investigate family mediation - or even discuss with social services whether it is possible for them to take formal responsibility for your parents needs and how they are fulfilled. It appears to me that the problem is less with the carer, and more with the inconsistent attitudes of siblings. If you are all falling out over what you think is best, then it is hard to see the wood for the trees, and none of this can be helping your parents. I have little doubt that each and every one of you cares very much for your parents and thinks that they are acting in their best interests, but since there is such a disparity of views, it would appear that all this is leading to is squabbling without any purposeful outcome for anyone. Least of all your parents. If you have been unable to resolve this after this length of time, then the prospects of doing so without an independant view seem unlikely, and the danger of this becoming a deeply entrneched and damaging family dispute seems obvious. Perhaps some professional help would bring a new perspective for everyone.

Uncertain

I have to say I agree 100% with SarEl's comments above.

With the exception of using the cash card, which is clearly wrong, everything else is a difference of opinion about what is in your parent's best interests. Assuming your brother is only drawing the money necessary to pay the carer then even this is an error process rather a deliberate "crime".

Every word you say here about your brother's attitude, behaviour, motive etc may be absolutely true. I simply don't know and nor does anybody else reading this.

I wonder how his account of the last few months would read?

If you cannot resolve your family differences or prove that some actual crime is being committed then the only alternative is for some statutory body to take charge of your parent's situation.

rose28454

bigbigmamamoo wrote: »

rose,
I am disabled and have had carers come in from the local social work department. They wrote up a care plan that was similar to the one you quote. But the one they wrote was totally accurate and reflected both my needs and what they actually did for me.

It might help if you sat down and wrote out for yourself what your goals are. What is it that you would ideally like to see happening.
If it was me I would want
1. Current carer gone
2. You in the role of carer (maybe you want this, maybe you don't)
3. Cleaner in 1 hour a week. I live in a two bed flat and the OT recommended that one hours cleaning was all I needed

Then I would think about what I needed to do to move towards this goal. The main problem seems to be that your brother has a very different view of how to help your parents and seems to be a bully. I would try and tackle these two issues separately. So try and figure out what it is you think is best, setting aside how difficult it would be to get your brother to agree. Once you have that clear in your mind, then try and figure out how to deal with your brother.

I am keeping a diary of what exactly I do and I spent 3 hours Saturday taking my Mum to market and cooking their dinner and clearing. Yesterday I spent about an hour and today already about 1 hour sorting our prescription, letters etc. I am off shopping for her in a mo and will then go there to see them ( after checking her prescription has been delivered)
I have almost decided that what I will do is after 15th October ( I am away for 2 weeks working for my sister's catering company) I will hopefully take over this woman's role fulltime and end her employment. I have discussed this with my Mum and Dad and they are in agreement. It would mean I would continue to claim the Carer's allowance and they would pay me aswell. I do not intend to discuss with anyone except Mum and Dad before it happens as they will only try to prevent it. The situation with my brother is such that last week was the 1st time I had sat in the same room as him for about 3 years. Regarding your suggestion of somebody coming in to discuss perhaps I will ring my contact at the Social Services and ask her for help. I also take on board what Uncertain says about how my brother's version would sound but I will just give you a quote from what he said when my older sister and I tried to stop this wonman coming. He said " I wont be over ruled on this and will win"
I am quite calm today and have decided the way forward is for
me just to support my parents and if in a month they agree for me to take over then I will arrange to give this woman notice. My Mum fell out of bed last week and has a badly bruised face that my brother chose to ignore when she mentioned it. As I have said my Dad is Italian and there is an Italian saying " La Bella Figura" which means that all that matters is what people think of you, your possesions and what you do. Him and my younger brother who both have failed business behind them ( 2 of which Dad funded) and big houses. Mum and Dad have a never ending mortgage of about £60k because my brother re-mortgaged their house to prop up the business.
I know that sound like sour grapes but I have never been materialistic and even though I am having to sell up I am looking forward to a new honest life with no debts. My Mum and Dad have some savings left and have offered some to me so I can stay here but I refused as I would rather stand on my own 2 feet. I really want to formalise the caring thing and help them to be comfortable and safe in their old age.

Coeus

Rose28454. First off let me say you have my sympathy. It is obviously a difficult situation you are dealing with.

However as harsh as it may sound... YOU HAVE GOT TO GROW A PAIR! If you truly believe that you should be the one to care for and make decisions on behalf of your parents you MUST assert your authority. The parents I assume cared for you until adulthood and beyond, now it is your turn.

It seems from your last post that you are waiting for the parents to make your decision. As I understand it your mother is scared of your brother and your father is incapable of making such a decision. It may not have occurred to you that they are UNABLE to make such a decision. You must STEP UP!

My advice is to find some concrete pillar of strength that you can rely upon to challenge your brother whether it be family/friends/shotgun or just the thought that your parents need you and make the call.

Best of luck in your endeavours and remember to have the heart of a concrete Elephant my dear.

Coeus.

rose28454

I am going to take Over their care mid October when I get back from my last job. Not going to give the lady any notice to prevent my brother intervening again. If it turns out she is due any money legally then I will forego my first weeks pay to get rid of her. My eldest sister is in agreement with this and is going to cone home every month fir 3 or 4 days to take over. She was always good friends with my brother but is disgusted at how he has behaved over this. It is almost like thus woman is more important than his parents. My aunt is who I need as an ally so I will call her tommorow and ask her to come down fir a few days over that period. Won't be easy but it is not about me or him it us about them seeing out their last few years in peAce and comfort.
The problem in our family has always been that no one can tell anyone else when they are doing somethingwrong. I am looked down on because I dared to tell my brother exactly what I thought of his behaviour ( when he left my parents in such a state financially). I am not afraid of him and told him that last year when he screamed at me down the phone for re arranging the social workers appt to include me. I must do this for them.