Can things be any worse?

deedee71

hoxtonbabe wrote: »

Thanks, are you my sister by any chance, I have gone to seek help. I am unreasonable to expect partner to leave contact details or if I call for him to return them? I do not expect the call during work hours but the evening once he gets in??

I'm not bashing you, I'm suggesting you are not seeing things clearly. Using words like ranting and hatred in your posts shows a bit of irrational thinking surely.

Your partner may be ducking out as he has no idea where your hatred is coming from. Cowardly maybe, but if you are not listening to his viewpoint perhaps he is giving you time to get your head a bit clearer.

hoxtonbabe

paddy's_mum wrote: »

If what you are feeling is hatred towards him, you haven't actually got much left, have you?

I'm sure counselling would help you come to terms with all this anger and hostility. Without "bashing" you in any way, you wrote a lot about what you think. What does your partner want out of the relationship?

Hatred and anger is towards mum and sister, I do still care for him and love him. He never really tells me what he thinks which is a big part of the problem, I have on many occassions even before thing got as bad as they are now tried to sit him down and find out whats bothering him, what he would like and such things but he sits there in total silence, and I mean total silence, there is no communication between us, the only time we have discussed the relationship since itsd been in this state when when he came back from the first trip and I had to really dig it out of him becasue I could tell he was not his usual self, then and only then did he tell me about his feelings.

Make-it-3

Hmmm, are you sure you aren't mis-directing your feelings, because you can't reach him. You can't make your mum/sister be more supportive, as I've suggested if you find their lack of support/interfering/advice unhelpful then back off and find some other outside help.

hoxtonbabe

Make-it-3 wrote: »

Hmmm, are you sure you aren't mis-directing your feelings, because you can't reach him. You can't make your mum/sister be more supportive, as I've suggested if you find their lack of support/interfering/advice unhelpful then back off and find some other outside help.

No, my anger is towards them, I only found out about their "help" yesterday, all this time i did not know what was going on behind my back which from what I gathered as been going on for some time. He tried to contact me yesterday but I did not contact him back only because I think we really just need to keep away from each other for now or will blow up again and doctors advised me to keep away if possible so doing that, I sent him a reply explaining and didnt get a reply so asuming he is taking on board what I have asked.

I don't usually go to my mum or sister for help when it comes to my relationship or anything else at that, it is him that has been going to them and they have been giving him "advice" they only found out about this issue becasue he told them and i was summoned to my mums flat to gert it all out so to speak

whitewing

I would be finding it hard to cope in your circumstances.

I think your antidepressants haven't kicked in yet but they will. Maybe try to cope hour by hour or day by day until you get to see the counsellor. (I am waiting to see a counsellor too following the birth of DD).

I do think it is unacceptable to not be able to contact your partner. However, I think your pnd is making it difficult for you to get your point across effectively about that and also about him being away in the first place. So I would suggest that for the rest of the year you accept that you are not happy about it but you don't try to do anything about it. Give yourself and your partner time to accept your pnd. The counsellor will help you sort through your feelings. You don't have to change your circumstances quickly but you can change it so you're coping short term to get your head straight for the long term compromises.

Ignore your mum and sister (as I am ignoring my parents for now). If they add to the stress, however well-meaning, then don't spend so much time on them while you concentrate on getting better.

My DH is lovely but he finds it very hard sometimes to cope wth the fact that HE can't make me better, especially when he does so much wrt earning and helping with the house etc. I have to quell my list of niggles sometimes - if he snaps (at anything-nothing is directed at me or DD), I feel very unsettled because I feel so vulnerable myself. I also bottle stuff up as I don't want to spoil his enjoyment of his new baby but then I explode - again not at him. It's hard but we're getting there.

Don't try to do too much (there is considerable effort required to stop those whirring thoughts). I feel stressed that I haven't even got my appointment through, but I have started to write my thoughts down so that I can choose to share them with the counsellor eventually. I was frightened that in the relief of seeing someone I may decide I felt alright, so I wanted to remember how I felt. So take these scenarios and write them down along with how you feel and what you did, if anything. And that, coupled with the children, is all you need to do for now.

(I would write '10.7.10 3pm - tried calling partner. No reply. Very angry with him. Hurt. Want to leave the kids with him and run off so he doesn't know where I am' and that sort of thing)

hoxtonbabe

Whitewing. Tried to PM you but inbox full.

Thanks

whitewing

I have cleared some space!

January20

hoxtonbabe wrote: »

So where does that leave me? for both kids I have had to make compromises, in many areas of my life including work, but I do them becasuse thats what you sometimes have to do as parents so why it is I have to but he doesn't?

Ah! hoxtonbabe, I'm probably not the best person to give you advice as I've been a single mother for 10 years, have worked all that time, and coped with everything by myself so for me compromise is part of everyday life.

But it's always more difficult when your partner seems to not be a equal participant in the membership. I am quite shocked that he had been seeking advice from your mother and sister and that you have been summoned to your mothers. Perhaps, it's time to tell your family to butt out? to refuse discussing it with them as it's none of their business? Why did your partner go to them? (seems so weird that!)