Can things be any worse?

hoxtonbabe

There is a lot to this story but will try and condense as much as possible.

Partner and I been together almost 4 years, I have a son from a previous relationship who is 12 and has never seen his dad ( i know where he is and he knows where I am but has no interest at all in ever meeting his son) so I have raised him alone and to top it, he has special needs, nothing major, but still just that little bit more work to deal with.

When I became preganant it was the pregnancy from hell, I felt like cra* for the fist few months which is normal, but I had totally gone off any kind of close relations, even hugging was a problem, anyhoo partner was quite suppoetive hoping that after baby I would be back to normal, for the first few weeks I was ok, but then I changed and went back to how i was before and worse and for the last 2 years i have been a misery to live with and really feeling negative about most things, however at the time I did not realise this as to me my behaviour was "normal" In May my partner had to go on a business trip for a month, and while I was not happy about it, at the same time it was a relief for me as we were not getting on so well, he had never been away for so long since we met infact he had never been out the UK on business since we met, at most it was for 5 days on training courses every now and again.

2 weeks into his month away things started to change, as he started to get used to the people and made friends he started to be less interested in calling or making contact, the last week of him being there was hell , other than email getting hold of him was hard , I would call in say the afternoon and he would not return calls until the next day, which when you have children at home it quite unaccepatable, anyhoo he came home and dispite what happend it actually made me closer to him as I missed him and had time to reflect on "us" BUT he came home and started doubting the relationship and wasnt sure if he wanted to stay and he had grown away from me, after a few days of talks and crying we decided to see how we get on over the weeks, and we have been getting on a lot better than we have in ages which was a good thing right? So then boss tells him on the 1st July that he needs to fly out again for 3 weeks on the 6th July, I totally hit the roof, he had only been back a month and off he goes again, he also has to go in September.

I admit I handled it all wrong but I was so angry, my partner knows how hard going I found it the last time not just becasue I missed him (i never did tell him that) but with the kids and everything, so we had a big fight on the day he told me and my mum and sister got involved and to my surprise they were 100% on his side and couldnt quite see why I was upset or why I thought the job at this particular time was unsuitable with the amount of travel he has to do (the company told him he would only travel once a year!) I simply had to accept he was going and that was that so tried to enjoy the rest of the time we had, even made him his favourite meal the day before going and he took me to afternoon tea a few days before, so off he went, the first day he went he called me upon arrival but he usually texts or call to say goodnight and he didn't so I called him and he didn't pick up but didnt think anything too much of it.

the next day i asked what he was doing he sadi he went out to watch football then then to sleep I thought to myslef so why didnt you call to see what I wanted as you were obviously awake at the time I called, but i didnt mention this to him, the next day we emailed a little bit, and then I went out so I saw his missed call in the afternoon, I then called back an hour later but when to VM, I sent a text, no reply so I sent an email, still no reply, so left it a few hours and called later that evening, again still no reply, the next morning I thought he would have sent a text or email, but nothing so I called, he then sent a text saying he just sent an email, when i read his reason for not calling again i hit the roof but this time I was hurt more than angry I have to also stress that he has refused to tell me where he is staying and this was when i asked before the fights we had, anyway again we had an arguement and now as it stands FROM WHAT HE TOLD MY SISTER he wants out of the relationship becasue I am going "mad" he refused to talk to me,and I too now have decided to stop talking to him.

Because of the bad feelings I had towards his son and they way i was crying and not cooking or eating and with not cooking = not feeding the kids I was advised by a phone helpline to see the doctor and the doctor told me that from what I say I have had post natal depresstion for the last 2 years, so now on anti-depressants and going to see a counsilor and health visitor, although I have found over these last few days being able to share my thoughts like this or via helplines have helped

Now that was the back story, what has now got my blood boiling now is that I found out that my mum and sister has been telling partner that I am jealous of him going as to why I am behaving the way I am, he should just do what he needs to do and I will have to cope, other people who have partners who are away or in the army cope so I should be able to cope, at the end of the day he is bringing in money so what is my problem! Now these are the same people who do not actually help me with the kids, unless I have a job interview, anything that requires me time or wanting a break they will not help me with, his parents do not live n the UK so really everything is all down to me.

According to my mum and sister, I am behaving like a child and being totally unreasonable and i should be taking more care of him like making sure he has a hot meal waiting for him at home, it is perfectly ok for him to have a job that takes him away so often for such long periods while I have to stay at home of if i find a job I have to make the compromises that come with having children like finding job with certain hours and nothing that is too far away so I can get back to the nursey on time, but he does not, it is also ok for him to not tell give me any contact details of where he is staying his personal mobile which as I said he does not answer should be enough and when HE is ready to get back to me he will they have told him all this and backed him up and now makes so much more sense as to why he does not see my point, I am not saying they have totally ruined my relationship as he sould have enough sense to see how this job is ruining us as a family , but becasue he has their backing on many things that normal people would see as wrong and they dont he simply does not give two hoots about anything I say.

I am not jealous of his job, the bottom line is I can not cope, I have point blank told him, hes does not know how bad things have got over these past few days and nor will I tell him as he will think I am trying to attention seek plus i really do not think it would make a blind bit of difference.

I dont think its fair on our son that his dad comes and goes so often, especially at his age now, i struggled with the eldest one and knows his dad rejected him and I don't want the baby to ever, ever feel like his dad did not want him or want to spend time with him also finding a job for me is a pain as once again ALL the burden falls on me as he will be off flying all over the place and this is regardless of if we are together as a couple or not, but instead of my family trying to help get my pioints across they tell him to pay no attention to me I am just being silly and spoilt.

Sorry for super long thread but I assure you this was the shortend version, I have been feeling so may emotions these few days, mainly it was sadness and pain, now its anger and hatred.

go_cat

There are loads of people on here who will be able to offer excellent advice but your post is really hard to read.

Please can i suggest you edit it to lots of smaller paragraphs with gaps to make it easier to understand then am sure you will get the support and advice you need:D

January20

I have to agree with the previous poster. I never mind long posts but I found it so difficult to read your post, I had to give up. My eyes just can't do it. Sorry

ETA: to be a bit more helpful, if your partner is required to travel for his job, then there is nothing your can or SHOULD do about it. It's his job and that's it really. However, I think you should try and communicate better with him: why not tell him you missed him? Why not tell him you worry when you can't get in touch? Or you would like more regularly texts/ calls, etc when he is away?

Make-it-3

Yes, we'd like to help but your post is very confusing, I assume the posting is about a second child you have with your current partner and the problems stem from that.

It's good that you have been diagnosed with PND, do go back to your GP for more help if you are still struggling. Sounds like your relationship has really struggled as a result and that the enforced absences due to partner working abroad are taking their toll too and pulling you in different directions.

Instead of getting bogged down in the detail of how many times you have contact while he is away, look towards getting some counselling when he is back, you both have issues you need to discuss and only by getting these out in the open will your relationship have a chance for a future.

deedee71

I'm sorry you are having a hard time but having read through your entire post I've got to agree that you are being unreasonable. In saying that I think you are not "yourself" and really need to seek some professional help before you damage your relationship any further.

January20

I think the OP having been left to come with one child who is now 12 (?) is afraid that her new partner will abandon her too with the second child.


OP, can you get some distance from your mother and sister? they do sound very unhelpful!
Do you need to work? Financially, I mean?

hoxtonbabe

deedee71 wrote: »

I'm sorry you are having a hard time but having read through your entire post I've got to agree that you are being unreasonable. In saying that I think you are not "yourself" and really need to seek some professional help before you damage your relationship any further.

Thanks, are you my sister by any chance, I have gone to seek help. I am unreasonable to expect partner to leave contact details or if I call for him to return them? I do not expect the call during work hours but the evening once he gets in??

I am going to try and delete this post, the last thing I need is everyone bashing me, my issue now is my mum and sister not being particully helpful but had to give the back story to it, looks like I am just going to getb it in the neck over my partner

hoxtonbabe

January20 wrote: »

I think the OP having been left to come with one child who is now 12 (?) is afraid that her new partner will abandon her too with the second child.


OP, can you get some distance from your mother and sister? they do sound very unhelpful!
Do you need to work? Financially, I mean?

Yes, that is partly what i am feeling, but me and partner also had very long conversations about my situation with eldest and how we would bring up this baby even before I got pregnant so in some ways he is going back on his words, but now baby is here and not much I can do.

Finacially is a tricky one, we need to move as we are in a poky 2 bed flat, he will not be able to afford a 3 bed alone, so by me working it will help, but if we stay here then no I do not need to work, but neither do I want to be a stay at home mum and he knows this

hoxtonbabe

January20 wrote: »

I have to agree with the previous poster. I never mind long posts but I found it so difficult to read your post, I had to give up. My eyes just can't do it. Sorry

ETA: to be a bit more helpful, if your partner is required to travel for his job, then there is nothing your can or SHOULD do about it. It's his job and that's it really. However, I think you should try and communicate better with him: why not tell him you missed him? Why not tell him you worry when you can't get in touch? Or you would like more regularly texts/ calls, etc when he is away?

So where does that leave me? for both kids I have had to make compromises, in many areas of my life including work, but I do them becasuse thats what you sometimes have to do as parents so why it is I have to but he doesn't?

paddy's_mum

If what you are feeling is hatred towards him, you haven't actually got much left, have you?

I'm sure counselling would help you come to terms with all this anger and hostility. Without "bashing" you in any way, you wrote a lot about what you think. What does your partner want out of the relationship?

Make-it-3

OP yes your partner is being unreasonable, but it seems quite clear that things have got on top of him too and he is using the opportunity of this time away to get his head together and have a bit of a break from the situation. As hard as it is to do so, it maybe best to allow this. Assume you have his mobile if there is an emergency.

Re your mum & sister, if they aren't offering either the emotional or practical help you need right now, maybe you need to distance yourself a little. Even if they know you are diagnosed with PND, they don't understand how it feels or impacts you? On a practical level, do you know other mum's, can you find a babysitter to help when you just need some time away or to go to job interviews. Look around to see what other support networks you can access.