Advice - Please - Seperate, Divorce or Stay Put?

craftingmad

Hi everyone,

This is the first time of posting on these boards (I was on the debt free forum, but now can usually be found on the MFW) so hopefully I am in the right place and hopefully someone could help me. I think I'm gonna need lots of support, friendship and advice whichever route I decide to take.

My husband and I have just celebrated (not sure if thats the right word at the moment!) 10 years of marriage (we have been together for 12 years in total - living together for almost all of that time).

During this time my husband has always had a temper on him, the inability to say sorry when he is in the wrong, used foul language towards me etc, etc but just recently it has got really bad.

We have two children aged 7 and 3 and now the kids are calling me the things which daddy calls me (some of which include stupid, thicko, prat, bonehead etc - these are the nicer ones and I've missed out the F word which normally accompanies them.

I've talked to him about it before and asked him if he wants his children growing up and using language to talk to their loved ones like him but it never seems to make any difference. He never even says sorry after upsetting me - ever.

I know I'm far from perfect but I do look after our two children almost single handedly as he works loads or goes to the gym everyday and never wants to do anything with them or us as a family. They ask me for everything as they know that daddy will either say no or shout at them.

Today things seem to have come to a head. I was up most of the night with my little boy (i think its the heat) and then got woken up at 5am by both of them shouting and screaming at me that they wanted this and that etc. When I didn't give in to them they both call me stupid and stormed off (just like daddy!).

Then my husband woke after (several hours later) and starting yelling and screaming abuse at me.

Maybe its because I'm tired but I really do not think I can carry on like this any longer.

I gave up everything to marry him & have the kids and look after them full time - a well paid job, my own house (my Hubby had nothing when I met him), I've moved twice because of his work which means I have no family around. I would'nt change having the kids for the world but am now beginning to think that now the kids are starting to take after him it would be batter for all of us if it was just me and the kids.

I'm sure I still love my hubby (although right now its really hard to see it) and I really do not want to give up on 10 years but I'm worried that if we stay as we are the kids will both turn out like him which I so don't want.

I'm scared as i really don't know what to do - I cannot talk to anyone about this as having just moved away have no real friends and both my parents are poorly so I don't feel I can stress them out with this.

To make matters worse his parents are coming to stay tomorrow for over a week and hubby is going away to work whilst they are still gere. I really don't get on with his mum that much either.

I don't know where I would stand if I decided to seperate or divorce him or what effect it would have the kids. I earn nothing as I just cannot go out to work as finacially it would not be viable as I would have to pay for childcare for all the hours I worked.

Sorry - just felt I had to pour my heart to somebody.

Fang_3

Is there anywhere you could go and stay with friends/family for a week or so?

It's no way to live and you need to get yourself and your children away from that situation.

Frenchgirl

Hi I left my husband three years ago (long story) and moved into a womens refuge with my 13 yr old daughter. Now Im happy and relaxed in my own home. It was hard to begin with but it was the best decision I have made. Please contact the Woman refuge they are in the phone book. You and yr children deserve a better life.x

Margaret_Skinner

Oh God yes I would say definitely get out of that situation. Can you honestly say your husband loves you? If yes why would he treat you like that? And your kids will definitely grow up like him if they're displaying signs of it already. Thing is it's so hard to see the situation objectively when you're actually IN it especially when you're just having to get on and do all the things you have to do in the week and getting no support with them.

It's not a healthy relationship though that's for sure and it won't be doing your self-esteem or confidence any good at all.

Scary thought leaving I know but I can't see this getting any better - only worse - and the 3 of you will eventually get dragged so low into it that there will come a day you won't have the energy or motivation to do anything about it.

Maybe you could try talking to a Relate (or whatever they're called these days) counsellor just to get it all out and also get advice about where to go for help?

I really feel for you (not much consolation I know!).

ailuro2

You might not think so, but you deserve soooo much better.

Don't let him bring your kids up to grow into mini prats too.;)

Bonnie2009

You know, don't you, that you have to leave? You have a duty to your children not to have them live in a violent atmosphere and you have a duty to them not to let them turn out like him.

You used to have a good job, so I'm assuming that would be possible in the future. Your confidence will be low now, but if you leave, it will return.

You are worried about childcare costs, but it's possible to get a lot of help with those if you're not on a high income. Some sort of structured play activity would probably be good for them both.

If I were you I would grit my teeth whilst his parents are there and do everything you can to keep calm and not respond to any unkindness there.

I think your husband is trying to control you with his behaviour and he's encouraging (or not discouraging) his children to behave in the same way. If you were watching this on a tv documentary, your response would be 'He is a terrible influence on those children - they will grow up into angry young men whose answer to everything is to turn on anyone who annoys them. It's obvious they run a risk of prison, divorce and lack of real friends.'

If I were in your position I would plan my escape. I'd see a solicitor about your rights regarding the house, but actually I think you would be much better off moving back to where you were happiest, where you have old friends and family, and where the children can be brought up in an atmosphere of love and calm. Your parents may be upset at your marriage ending, but they would be traumatised at the thought of you living like this.

The children are still at an age where they can be moulded (look how he's moulded them) but pretty soon their characters will be more or less set and there won't be a lot you can do about it. Maybe, when you move, get them involved in physical activities where they have to obey rules but get to use up all that energy.

They sound like angry, unhappy children - you sound like a loving mother who's come to the end of her tether. You're right to be feeling like this - I'm sure I'm not the only person who is horrified by what's happening in your home.

Single parenthood can be hard but surely it can't be harder than living like that?

myothercarisaferrari

Leave or your kids will end up like him, disrespecting you and treating you like crap

What a horrible man.

gratefulforhelp_2

OP you don't sound as though you like the children very much at the moment, what do you say to them when they speak to you that way?
I think the others are right, if he is abusive then you need to form a plan and get out. Maybe say nothing about the inlaws visit and carry on with a plan to leave regardless.
There is a sticky with all the info you will need on this board.
eta https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963
Good luck.

Jinx

I often wonder when people say that they love their other half who is clearly not nice to them, why??? OP does your hubby deserve for you still to love him? Can you list lots of reasons why you do?

With regards to how he and the children speak to you, please please stand up for yourself and dont allow it...

FWIW my daughter was the age of your little one (now in late teens) when I left my hubby and she has coped just fine and although in some ways it can be hard to be a single parent, in others it is easier - you can focus on yourself and the children knowing there is noone at home to contradict you and that you can mould your children more easily to be the lovely people you know they should and can be. I found that visits with other family meant quality time for them and a break for me.

Wishing you well..... hugs

jakem_2

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

Leave or your kids will end up like him, disrespecting you and treating you like crap

What a horrible man.

I agree and the thing is, its not just about how the kids talk to mum is it? if you dont do something now it will be too late, they will grow up and behave that way to thier gf/wives, in turn they might have sons, and thier sons will behave like that.
At the moment its directed at you, but years down the line other women are going to get this treatment unless things change.

At the moment your oldest is 7, but there is a quote or saying, I cant remember who or where from, but it goes something like this....

'Give Me the Child Until He Is Seven, and I Will Show you the Man, or give you back the man'

I think it means and am sure someone will be able to explain better than me, but after 7 years old thier characters are formed, and its harder to change, or something to that effect.

For your own sanity also you need to get him out, not only is he bringing you down and making your life miserable, he is carrying on to the children, for thier sakes alone, do something now.

Mojisola

craftingmad wrote: »

During this time my husband has always had a temper on him, the inability to say sorry when he is in the wrong, used foul language towards me etc, etc but just recently it has got really bad.

We have two children aged 7 and 3 and now the kids are calling me the things which daddy calls me (some of which include stupid, thicko, prat, bonehead etc - these are the nicer ones and I've missed out the F word which normally accompanies them.

I've talked to him about it before and asked him if he wants his children growing up and using language to talk to their loved ones like him but it never seems to make any difference. He never even says sorry after upsetting me - ever.

I know I'm far from perfect but I do look after our two children almost single handedly as he works loads or goes to the gym everyday and never wants to do anything with them or us as a family. They ask me for everything as they know that daddy will either say no or shout at them.

Today things seem to have come to a head. I was up most of the night with my little boy (i think its the heat) and then got woken up at 5am by both of them shouting and screaming at me that they wanted this and that etc. When I didn't give in to them they both call me stupid and stormed off (just like daddy!).

Then my husband woke after (several hours later) and starting yelling and screaming abuse at me.

I'm sure I still love my hubby (although right now its really hard to see it) and I really do not want to give up on 10 years but I'm worried that if we stay as we are the kids will both turn out like him which I so don't want.

Why do you love this person?

You are worth so much more than this and, no matter how hard it will be initially, splitting up has got to be better than the life you're enduring now.

You may feel as if you won't cope but that's because he's taken away your self-esteem - you're starting to believe all the things he says about you. Look at where you were before you started living with him - that's the real you! When you get free from this bully you will be able to be yourself again.