What should I say??

churchrat

hello all
I have just found out that someone I know slightly has just been told she is terminaly ill. She had breast cancer about 5 years ago, and the hospital can do nothing for her.
Our children were at school together and she doesn't live far from me. She is a very quiet and self contained person, not hostile or rude, but simply happy with her own company. she does have friends, but not any one very close. Her family live abroad, apart from her 2 daughters who are both at university.

Now, my problem. I want to let her know that I will do stuff for her, things like getting the shopping, washing, these things still need doing, and it all gets very expensive and I've decided to put a card thro the door. What should I say??? If she was more outgoing it would be easier, but she is very private and I don't want to intrude. I've talked about this with some friends and we havn't really come up with anything, and I don't want to keep putting it off just because I feel uncomfortable about it. She is only 50 yrs old and it all seems very unfair.

thanks for any help
churchrat

Caroline73_2

It's lovely that you want to help her and I would suggest that you say to her exactly how you feel. explain that you don't know what to say and that you would be more than willing to help her with things. When I lost a baby, the worst thing people did was avoid me as they were worried they might upset me if they brought it up.

She might not want to be an imposition so you could pop in on your way to the shop to see if she needs anything - you wouldn't be going out of your way then and she maybe happier with this. As she is private person I wouldn't bother staying for cups of tea unless invited, just offer the help.

joyfull

There is simply nothing anyone can say that 'helps' this situation. I've tended to be honest & say 'I don't know what to say..' but then go on to offer your practical help. I'm sure she'll appreciate your kindness. I've heard many times that people in her situation often feel even more alone because others avoid them, not knowing how to deal with the situation. Good luck - keep us posted.

Starrystarrynight

Just wanted to say, churchrat, you sound like a very kind and thoughtful friend.

RLH33

As someone who lost a dear friend on Sunday to breast cancer which had spread, my advice would also be to say exactly what you are thinking. She may not take you up on your offer but the fact that you have offered is sometimes enough.

KittyPryde

It's lovely that you want to help. I'd keep it kinda simple like....."let me know if there is anything I can do".....or ......"I'm always here if you would like any help with anything"...............or "I'm here if you need me"..... or ........ "Please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I could do to help" or........."feel free to pop round any time you like"..............etc etc. She might pop round to thank you for your card then you can strike up more of a conversation over a cuppa or something.

All the best.

Person_one

KittyPryde wrote: »

It's lovely that you want to help. I'd keep it kinda simple like....."let me know if there is anything I can do".....or ......"I'm always here if you would like any help with anything"...............or "I'm here if you need me"..... or ........ "Please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I could do to help" or........."feel free to pop round any time you like"..............etc etc. She might pop round to thank you for your card then you can strike up more of a conversation over a cuppa or something.

All the best.

I'd be a bit more specific. Everybody says these kinds of things but they might not all be willing to do the practical things the OP is. Also it might be a bit awkward for the friend if the conversation goes "Let me know if I can do anything" "Well actually I've got a huge pile of ironing but I'm too tired to to do it"

I'd say exactly what you can do.

"If you ever need any help like the ironing or laundry doing, heavy things moving, a lift somewhere or a food shop done, please just let me know, I have lots of time on y hands and don't mind at all!"

She might not take you up on it still, also I definitely wouldn't ever pop round unannounced. You don't know how she might be feeling, she may be having a cry, a sleep, or 5 minutes to herself for the first time in days. If you know her number you could call or text when you're nearby to say "I'll be going past your house later today, do you want me to bring you anything/do anything for you?"

ailuro2

I agree, suggest a few examples of how you could help her, or of course say she's welcome to a cup of a tea and a chat whenever her four walls are getting her down

give her your mobile number, your home phone number and an e-mail address, let her know you're there for her this week, or next year, whenever she wants to get in touch.

cats_whiskers

Hi

Just wanted to say how lovely you are wanting to do something to help your friend. It can be a difficult situation as most people don't want to bother or intrude on someone who is ill for fear of saying the wrong thing. Just a thought but can you maybe call round with a bunch of flowers, either from your garden or shop bought or take some home grown produce or a home made cake or whatever your specialty is.

Can you find out from the hospital or doctors surgery if there is some sort of support group in your area, she may not want to attend on her own but may consider if your offered to go with her.

Also as with all people who have been given a terminal diagnosis the most valuable thing is to make them that they have a contribution to make as friend or a member of the family. When my FIL was ill everyone didn't want to bother him with day to day things however, he was a very good handyman and enjoyed giving advice when asked. I would often ask OH to ask his Dad what type of screws to use for a certain job or what type of paint did he think was best for the ceiling. I think he still felt he was contributing and appreciated being asked he also said he loved to talk about what he knew and really didn't want to talk about his treatment and hospitals as if it was the only thing that was happening in his life.

Anyway, I think the hardest part for you will be calling your friend or knocking on her door for the first time since you have heard the news. I think after that things will take their own pace so to speak.

Errata

It's quite natural for us to think, and say, 'I don't know what to say' but it's more compassionate, and accurate, to say 'I'm desparately sorry this has happened to you and I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling'.
If we want to help, concrete offers of help are more helpful eg I'll be round to walk your dog at 11 every morning and I'll have it over at mine for a playdate if you'd like that. That kind of thing.

churchrat

cats_whiskers wrote: »

Hi


Anyway, I think the hardest part for you will be calling your friend or knocking on her door for the first time since you have heard the news. I think after that things will take their own pace so to speak.

thanks to all who answered, and yes, this is absolutly the hardest thing. I feel really silly cos she is the one who is ill and I'm the one making a song and dance out of it.

I'm just writing out a little note card and saying that I've just heard and am would like to be able to help with xyand z. given my numbers and I've asked my 2 eldest children (who know her children) to mention it to her daughters.

Its so stupid, I get so caught up in saying the wrong thing that I don't say anything, which is so much worse.

thanks all