2 Parents, 2 Kids.One lives with each. Are payments required??

PlayingHardball

Caz3121 wrote: »

The relationship with DSS and her has further diminished and he calls really upset regularly to say she is kicking him out 'now' - he has 2 weeks to go to finish his current college course and can't wait to move. It is really sad when they come up and talk about how they feel they are such a burden to their mum.


I just get so angry about the effect that this has on the children and hope that there is no lasting emotional dammage but I'll try to keep smiling for now

Ahh, poor kids! I really feel for both you and the OP.

I had to jump in to say something like 'the kids will be fine'. My ex, after 6 years of divorce from me met another 'woman' (using the term lightly) 3 1/2 years ago when my youngest was 12, and we also have two older children. Almost from the moment he met her, he shrugged off any attention/effort for his kids. The poor little youngest was hit hardest. Keep in mind, till he met the woman, he was a good Dad, totally devoted to the kids (kind of in a 'needy' way-he was lonely, he needed them, then comes woman, no longer as needy)

Needless to say, this hurt the kids incredibly. My partner and I did all we could to give my youngest our love and stability. (the older ones too)

The ex then moved to Germany 2 years ago, and has made very little effort at contact, perhaps a weekly call and at first 2 visits per year, but what effort he did make was at my partners and my expense in the way of going back and forth to airports (the last time to no avail because he booked with ryanair without checking the fine print) so, my 'very eager to see dad and spend a week on the beach in the south of france' daughter, had to return home in the car with us, bag and passport and all, and miss her one chance for her holiday with dad. Dad not bothered, he called later and said he'll rearrange for October as flights with other companies that allowed minors the next day were over £300, he never did arrange October.

Fast forwarding now 3 1/2 years after the ex has decided the kids are 'not his problem', the children are all happy and grounded, even though the two older have chosen not to keep in contact (well, it was sort of like they didn't have a choice because he kept falling out with them) The middle one had her fall out on her wedding night when Dad in a very drunken stupper went for her about her 'bad attitude' towards him! (I had just left 10 minutes earlier, otherwise I can't say what I would have done in my daughters defense!)

Your kids will be fine. You will NOT get grey hair! lol You must NOT allow yourself to get grey hair. The kids, all of them, will eventually make their good assessment of their situations. It does make my blood boil though, I can't fathom parents treating their kids like my ex and your ex's have all done. But, it happens.

All we can do is the best we can do to get them through it, give them a place of stability and love.

PlayingHardball

p.s. I should add, the title of OP's post caught my eye. This was our situation years ago, but the ex didn't claim child support from me, I don't think he realised he could have done! But, my contribution wouldn't have made a dent to his income anyway. It would have only been between £5-£15 per week as I only worked part time whilst re-training and bringing up a 7 year old on my own. He on the other hand paid over £500 per month (high earner) His child support enabled me to remain in our home, along with my earnings, we just squeeked by.

So, no, I wouldn't have been happy to do a 50/50 break even split, as I had been a stay at home mum with low earning capacity, while he climbed the ladder professionally during many many years ending up with a good income. We were not on even salary ground and it wouldn't have been fair to me or the children.

speedster

kelloggs36 wrote: »

And many male NRPs think it is free for all of their children when they choose to pay absolutely nothing!

as your cronies would say. "where's your proof", "how do you know that" etc, etc, etc.

and as you worked for them, you of all people should know that there is a FAR higher percentage of non compliant FEMALE nrp's than there are male ones. it's just the figures show more male non compliance as there are only a very small number of femal nrp's.

but, you conveniently forget to mention that fact. strange that.

speedster

SingleSue wrote: »

And to counter that, it appears that all PWC are viewed as access denying, money grabbing, night club attending, evil witches.

Again, no matter what we do or how open we are to arrangements.

i didn't know that you knew my ex! :rotfl:

chriszzz

It is a disgrace when these exes play their chidren against the other parent.

I really dont see why some can be so military in their approach to the access to nrps.

We too have an ex who will not be flexible, when our car broke down and we could not get his son home, we asked if she could possibly pick him up, same response, while he is with you he is yr responsibility, we had to ask a neighbour who very kindly helped out.

Some just can not be pleasant at all, am not going to go into it all but believe me I really understand how hard it is for other dads and children who have to suffer the bitterness that some pwc inflict on the relationship between them.

I am so glad that I dont have any hang ups and I have never interfered with access, I am confident and comfortable in my role as a mother that I dont feel in anyway threatened of sharing the love of my child with his father, my son has the right to be loved by both parents and thats exactly what he has got.

As for my OH children, I really feel sorry for them because they will never know just how much their dad has been a good dad, to much negativity from the mother does cause damage, and the worst of it all you can not prove it happens because the children to scared to speak up because they have to live with her, at least I can look at my son and think you are lucky that we are mature enough to put you first, some kids dont have that, they just have to put up with it...such a shame that some carnt see past their own selfish self.

Soubrette

Apples2 wrote: »

Hi chaps, I think the title pretty much covers it.

Youngest lives with ex

Eldest lives with me.

Seems bizarre to pay maintenance, surely ex would have to pay me maintenance too.

As far as I know both would be required to pay the other maintenance.

As a personal opinion - if both children have a similar upbringing and a similar amount of money spent on their wellbeing then I wouldn't bother claiming/counter claiming.

If one child was having a lot more benefits because they lived with one parent then I would feel that was unfair. In an ideal world, if I were the richer parent then I would be ensuring I spent a similar amount on both. If I were the poorer parent and that wasn't happening then I'd not have a problem with going to the CSA.

Both parents are responsible for both children.

Sou

speedster

chriszzz wrote: »

It is a disgrace when these exes play their chidren against the other parent.

I really dont see why some can be so military in their approach to the access to nrps.

We too have an ex who will not be flexible, when our car broke down and we could not get his son home, we asked if she could possibly pick him up, same response, while he is with you he is yr responsibility, we had to ask a neighbour who very kindly helped out.

Some just can not be pleasant at all, am not going to go into it all but believe me I really understand how hard it is for other dads and children who have to suffer the bitterness that some pwc inflict on the relationship between them.

I am so glad that I dont have any hang ups and I have never interfered with access, I am confident and comfortable in my role as a mother that I dont feel in anyway threatened of sharing the love of my child with his father, my son has the right to be loved by both parents and thats exactly what he has got.

As for my OH children, I really feel sorry for them because they will never know just how much their dad has been a good dad, to much negativity from the mother does cause damage, and the worst of it all you can not prove it happens because the children to scared to speak up because they have to live with her, at least I can look at my son and think you are lucky that we are mature enough to put you first, some kids dont have that, they just have to put up with it...such a shame that some carnt see past their own selfish self.

if only!!

most of us are stuck with pwc who put their own selfish whims in front of their childrens welfare.

still. EVERY nrp in this situation should take heart in the knowledge that as the children grow, they soon start seeing which of the parents is acting selfishly.

in our case, daughter has grown up and sees her mothers pathetic games for what they are and is acting accordingly. she is now beginning to dictate contact and other terms to her mother. the ex hates it, but has a rebellious daughter on her hands.

and she only has herself to blame.

SingleSue

Mine is the opposite way round speedster...the boys have seen the effort I have put in trying to get their father to have contact, any contact with them, only for it to be rebuffed every time. They have also experienced it themselves when they have rung him or contacted him via msn, he is too busy to speak to them and promises to ring back but never does.

They have seen him come down here for long weekends (4 days) and then only spend 2 hours with them as he has only come down for parties or weddings...not to see them.

They feel badly let down by him and being of an age where they can work things out for themselves without any input from me (I only ever say positive things in front of them regarding their father), they now say he doesn't deserve the title of father.

chriszzz

speedster wrote: »

if only!!

most of us are stuck with pwc who put their own selfish whims in front of their childrens welfare.

still. EVERY nrp in this situation should take heart in the knowledge that as the children grow, they soon start seeing which of the parents is acting selfishly.

in our case, daughter has grown up and sees her mothers pathetic games for what they are and is acting accordingly. she is now beginning to dictate contact and other terms to her mother. the ex hates it, but has a rebellious daughter on her hands.

and she only has herself to blame.

I hope so speedster, id hate to think that they get away with it for the rest of their lives, how wicked can some be.

My OH has had a really tough time and each time has come up against a brick wall, no one is really interested, its all about money today.

He has always paid for his children, always been there to pick them up everyother wkend, but a man has to put his hand in his pocket to get access, or apply for legal aid, courtsey of the tax payer.

I have spoken to professionals and been informed that while the children are not prepared to say there is nothing much you can do about it, we just have live in hope that once they grow up they are not too damaged to make choices for themselves.

I am so glad that I have done the right thing by my son, I see how supressed and controlled his children are, its really sad to watch children who always seem to be afraid, who dont have much social or communication skills, dont get me wrong they can talk but they lack conversation.

Fathers day just gone, it was are time with his son who comes sat and goes home son, his son is 14, never had card for dad (never has all the time ive been with him) said that he was making him one but his mum took the paper off him and told him he couldnt give that, no offer to save her son from any embarrament and give him a quid to buy a card, this is were we are different I could not let my son see his dad without a card I just couldnt do it to my son.

Last yr his son went to france on school trip, his mother told him not to bring anything back for his dad, that he could bring back something for her bf, she told him that she will check his suitcase to make sure he hasnt bought his dad a present, she is stopping her own son having a mind of his own to make his own choices and develop who he is as a person....Oh I could go on but am not really going to waste my energys on someone who really doesnt care about there own children development.

PlayingHardball

speedster wrote: »

if only!!

most of us are stuck with pwc who put their own selfish whims in front of their childrens welfare.

still. EVERY nrp in this situation should take heart in the knowledge that as the children grow, they soon start seeing which of the parents is acting selfishly.

in our case, daughter has grown up and sees her mothers pathetic games for what they are and is acting accordingly. she is now beginning to dictate contact and other terms to her mother. the ex hates it, but has a rebellious daughter on her hands.

and she only has herself to blame.

You make alot of statistical claims on these threads that are purely based on own bitterness with your ex. Time to move on, that was then, this is now.

"most' of us are stuck with pwc who put their own selfish whims in front of their childrens welfare"

I am a PWC who puts her children first. There are many more like me!

Theres good and bad all round - you need to focus more on the good you do for your children and less on the bad the ex did, that won't do the kids any good at all. Give it a big rest, eh?