2 Parents, 2 Kids.One lives with each. Are payments required??

Apples2

Hi chaps, I think the title pretty much covers it.

Youngest lives with ex

Eldest lives with me.

Seems bizarre to pay maintenance, surely ex would have to pay me maintenance too.

Caz3121

if only it was that simple...we are about to have this also

how it would work in the CSA world

1 parent would pay 15% of 85% of their income (85% as there is a 15% deduction due to the child they have living with them)
the other payment would be liable for the same

if both have the same income then it zero's out, however if one earns more then they will end up paying something to the lower earner

husbands ex has the attitude that she can't afford to pay so won't and he should still give her lots of money (even though he has been made redundant) because she needs it to pay her rent!

borders_dude

Apples2 wrote: »

Hi chaps, I think the title pretty much covers it.

Youngest lives with ex

Eldest lives with me.

Seems bizarre to pay maintenance, surely ex would have to pay me maintenance too.

However you could both come to a private agreement which could ofcourse agree that no maintance is paid. You are free to go to the CSA in the future if you choose this option.

speedster

Caz3121 wrote: »

if only it was that simple...we are about to have this also

how it would work in the CSA world

1 parent would pay 15% of 85% of their income (85% as there is a 15% deduction due to the child they have living with them)
the other payment would be liable for the same

if both have the same income then it zero's out, however if one earns more then they will end up paying something to the lower earner

husbands ex has the attitude that she can't afford to pay so won't and he should still give her lots of money (even though he has been made redundant) because she needs it to pay her rent!

an all too familiar story where the csa are involved.

they, and certain female nrp's seem to think that children miraculously become free to look after when they live with dad.

Apples2

speedster wrote: »

they, and certain female nrp's seem to think that children miraculously become free to look after when they live with dad.

Aint that the truth!!!

Kind of what I thought but to work out the sums I would need to know what the ex is on..... that aint gonna happen!!

If you subtract my previous payments from my income (when they were both with the ex), and add it to the ex's (guestimate) income, we are about the same.

kelloggs36

And many male NRPs think it is free for all of their children when they choose to pay absolutely nothing!

Apples2

It shouldn't be about a Male/Female battle.

I deliberately tried to avoid giving a gender away in my opening post (game was up in reply #5!!)

I have first hand experience (and lots of it) of how I am looked upon as a male after she threw me out and kept the kids.

I've paid WAY more than the legal requirement for 5yrs now direct to her and in addition continually paid for all their accessories (shoes, uniforms, school trips etc), hell, I even bought my ex a £4,000 car a couple of years ago in the vain hope she might share some of my 250 mile round trip to see them (and another 250 mile round trip to drop them off again) every other weekend... Ha ha! what a fool I am.. and there is a huge queue of women lined up to have a dig about what a worthless piece of sh** I am.


If I had said I was a male in my opening post I would have expected the normal response, "they are your children so you should pay more" etc. etc. from all the embittered women.

I do sympathise with those who's bloke has legged it and won't pay, but I can absolutely assure you, we are ALL looked upon as if we have, no matter what we do!!



.

SingleSue

And to counter that, it appears that all PWC are viewed as access denying, money grabbing, night club attending, evil witches.

Again, no matter what we do or how open we are to arrangements.

Caz3121

Apples, my hubby is in the same boat as you, ex was a little more devious - arranged for the whole family to start a new life abroad, sold up, took all the assets, she went ahead with the children while he stayed behind to tidy up loose ends and work a few more months to get his year end bonus for their new life, he went back and forwards to spend time with them but then got told not to move over as she had met something else. He was left with a bag of clothes, she moved into a house with pool with new boyfriend and the kids - hubby had to pay for everything..more than half his wages went there monthly, in addition he had added expense to see the children (she would kindly get friends to rent him somewhere to stay when he was over - which she no doubt took a cut of)

When I met him he was deeply in debt, staying with his parents (he was over 40!) paying over everything she asked for..and she expected him to pay everything that was slightly child related...roof over their head, food in their tummy, school fees, books, trips...this was the same roof over her and her boyfriend's head but she did not see it as her responsibility to contribute. It took a while but he eventually could see that her was being taken for a prize mug and it could not go on. He moved into a one-bed flat (she went mad as surely a bedsit would have done) She returned to UK and got with a different bloke then she decided to get divorced so kicked it all off...interestingly at this point she was on benefits+maintenance and did not qualify for legal aid as her income was too high, she ran up loads of debt with the solicitor messing things around then eventually hubby (well his folks) had to pay all her legal bills as she wouldn't.

The consent order was drawn up for maintenance by her solicitor as an amount based on the CSA calculation all fine, old bloke moves out so she is 'poor me' again and expects all the extras as she is so hard up. DSS wants to move in with us last year to go to college, mum says no he can't go as she will lose too much money (maintenance and tax credits for him alone over £600 per month) New bloke moves in who kids don't like. Hubby off work sick on half pay - "not my problem", big pay cut "not my problem" (now paying over £100 more than CSA)

Mum now decides that as her son is due to leave college this year the money will be stopping anyway so he needs to move out as she can't afford to keep him...best yet tells Hubby he needs to tell him. A very emotional discussion and we have supported him trying to get him into college here (struggle as we are in Scotland and he was schooled in England) but it looks like he will not get into an advanced course so child benefit will still be paid.

Hubby made redundant "not my problem, you still need to pay me" she is throwing son out but leaving it up to us to sort out moving his stuff (unfortunately this will mean that, like his father, he will be left with a bag of clothes to bring on the train) She is going to be in for a shock when she is told she is actually liable to pay maintenance - as it stands hubby would be assessed at £5 per week, she on the other hand will be assessed on her earnings and tax credits however hubby happy to go with one child each so quits. It is sad as it is unlikely DSS will return often to see mum as she will be unlikely to fund travel..she even charges hubby petrol and parking to take them to the airport as she will not use "her money", would not put them on a train for £4 until he had transferred money into her account. Although the kids wanted to spend Xmas with her last year she decided 2 weeks before she needed a break from them and wanted to spend it just with her boyfriend, phoned to tell us we were to have them even though they didn't want to come...we should have, in hindsight, said fine just send them up, instead we spent over £500 on flights and she complained she didn't like the dates - said fine you book something else, she declined. When stated that we ended up having to pay peak fares (we normally book their Xmas trip in October - when the flights were £70 each) "not my problem"

Going to be an interesting July...he is going to pay maintenance as per consent order for the last time (got some PILON) DSS moving up, claim for child benefit then discussion about maintenance hopefully agreeing on quits with one child each however reasonable is not in her vocabulary and she is likely to kick off so back to court or CSA

then ready to repeat when money due to stop for DSD...I'll be totally grey by then

Apples2

Caz3121 wrote: »

Hubby made redundant "not my problem, you still need to pay me" she is throwing son out but leaving it up to us to sort out moving his stuff (unfortunately this will mean that, like his father, he will be left with a bag of clothes to bring on the train)

It is sad as it is unlikely DSS will return often to see mum as she will be unlikely to fund travel..she even charges hubby petrol and parking to take them to the airport as she will not use "her money", would not put them on a train for £4 until he had transferred money into her account.

I can relate to an awful lot of that post.

Right now No1 DD has been summoned back home to look after No2 DD (and dog) whilst ex is off at Glastonbury.

I asked if ex would pay for No1's travel to go back to look after No2 DD as it is at her request she go down.

Not a chance! so I have to fund the travel for No1 to go back to babysit.
Even had to give No1 some money for them both as ex only left £10 for them both (Thursday til Monday).

"Not my problem" is something I hear a lot too.

During one period with one of her blokes she had to drive past my house (near a Motorway) to get to the airport (he was a squaddie based in Germany).
Would she drop the kids off on the way?? not a chance

I would drive 127 miles to collect the kids from the front door, as I am putting the kids bags in my boot, she is putting her bags in her boot (in the £4,000 car I bought for her 3yrs after we split).

We then drove on the same motorway for 127 miles until I exited to go home, whilst she continued to the airport.

On her return, I had to wait until she had driven past my house on her way home before I could leave (to drive on the same motorway) 5 minutes behind her so that she would be home by the time I arrived..... I then had to drive back home another 127 miles.

"Not my problem" comes the chant!
"You pick them up FROM my door, and deliver them TO my door" comes the reply.

You have to learn very quickly never to let these things get you down when you go through these experiences, just let it all wash over you and keep smiling.

Caz3121

Apples2 wrote: »

"You pick them up FROM my door, and deliver them TO my door"

Oh gosh we have that and he used to do it, take a 400+ mile flight, hire a car, drive 10 miles, pick them up at the door, about turn back to the airport, drop off hire car, fly back and then the same for the return. When the children became of age to fly alone we thought that at least we would be able to afford to see them more, but no - everytime he does not give into her demands that is the end of any assistance on the 10 minute trip to the airport.. Fortunately DSSs mates are of an age that some of them are driving so he is relying on them to take them/pick them up. We are now on the 3rd trip in the last 3 weeks for college interviews, thankfully I had some airmiles I was able to use for 2 of the trips as they were coming out at over £300 a time.

Everything revolves around money and control. Her boyfriend turned round and said to the children this week "I bet your father is only pretending to be made redundant so he doesn't have to pay your mum any money for you"

The relationship with DSS and her has further diminished and he calls really upset regularly to say she is kicking him out 'now' - he has 2 weeks to go to finish his current college course and can't wait to move. It is really sad when they come up and talk about how they feel they are such a burden to their mum.

And I know there are good PWC and good NRPs who focus on the best for the children, she has never stopped any contact, in fact encourages it and criticises that it is not often enough and she doesn't get enough breaks from them, and I can appreciate that fully however she is not prepared to contribute to contact costs so it tends to be half terms and school hols they come up although he speaks to both children on the phone most days and has a good relationship with them.

With hubby being made redundant we had been looking at possibly moving closer to them so there can be more contact (I am a remote worker so can work from anywhere) however now that DSS is moving up we will stay put so as not to disrupt his education further and hubby will need to find another job here.

I just get so angry about the effect that this has on the children and hope that there is no lasting emotional dammage but I'll try to keep smiling for now